Ptsd & Relationships - The Importance Of Assertiveness

[saffy]

Well done that is really exciting 99Pheonix99 :)

I think coach is appropriate but then Miss B might be more on their wave length :laugh:

Remember being assertive is to get a win win result. So if they show you equal respect and want to learn then you will all benefit out of it. Lay down a few ground rules that you think important to give them some responsibility. I think that age would need a good mentor too ;) Don't let age intimidate you either :)

best of luck with everything and remember to have fun too :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Abstract]

The other useful realisation I had when I learned assertiveness is that it isn't an apologetic asking for someone to change. It is calm and decided statement of what we need. Its about us and not about changing the other person.

For example I wont be undermined on the phone by my mother anymore. If she starts I clearly say I will have to ring off if she does not desist. If she does not stop I say why I am doing it and ring off. I am taking responsibility for me rather than trying to change her. The difference is subtle but when I realised this it is what changed things for me.

Its strange as I have always been able to be assertive when it came to protecting others but it was dreadfully difficult to do so to protect myself. I used to go into zombie mode and still sometimes do.

 

[saffy]

I am taking responsibility for me rather than trying to change her

That is a very good point :) I also think about remaining calm and consistent is important :)

Its strange as I have always been able to be assertive when it came to protecting others but it was dreadfully difficult to do so to protect myself. I used to go into zombie mode and still sometimes do.

Yeah I would always stick up for someone else. I would never stick up for myself I reckon this is due to never being protected in anyway and not thinking I am worth it. I cant remember a time when someone stuck up for me in anyway.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Tinyflame]

(((((Saffy))))

Hey, same here! I stand up for others, frequently felt compelled to, despite that not being my nature for myself.

 

[AS1975]

For me assertiveness isn't always passive, I tend to be quite defensive of my rights, especially when people think it is amusing to trespass upon my right to the peaceful enjoyment of my property.

One example is the teenage twits who continually use the road leading downhill (we live on a corner) as a skate park, despite an ACTUAL skate park being situated at the end of the street. In the bad old days, I've actually approached said twits with a 3' pinch bar and asked if they'd like to come toward me or go the other way (there was 20 of them, it was 11pm and we had kids trying to sleep). They chose not to call my bluff, which is kind of fortunate as I don't bluff.:devilish:

They've returned, kind of, they no longer try and inhabit our corner at nighttime, but persist in riding their skateboards from our driveway down the hill on the public road, on the basis that no-one can stop them. Well that is an extremely erronious assumption, especially when directed at myself, but to keep the peace in my household and in the interest of ensuring that I act assertively, not aggresively, I've limited myself to merely asking, then telling them to pull their heads in and go down to the skate park.

They've continued to push the boundaries, so I finally had enough, so I told one "There is a skate park down the road, if you persist in using the public road I'll put you on the f*cking road", which I still regard as assertive, rather than aggressive (aggressive to me would be to tell him that I would forcibly restrain him, causing him to experience a takedown onto the bitumen surface within a minute of non-compliance - I didn't do that).

I merely pointed out the problem and rather non-judgmentally, given the progressive and continued refusal to act with respect, pointed out that I was no longer willing to respect their 'right' to break the law and inconvenience me and my family. I think I got the message across, I hope so, as the line between assertive and aggressive is awfully thin;)

 

[saffy]

tell him that I would forcibly restrain him, causing him to experience a takedown onto the bitumen surface within a minute of non-compliance

Love that it made me laugh :)

Unfortunatley nowdays kids have too many 'rights' and not enough boundaries. Gone are the days you dragged them home by the ear for a good thrashing from the parents ;)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Abstract]

For me assertiveness isn't always passive...approached said twits with a 3' pinch bar and asked if they'd like to come toward me or go the other way :devilish:


They've continued to push the boundaries, so I finally had enough, so I told one "There is a skate park down the road, if you persist in using the public road I'll put you on the f*cking road",

Hmm.... I am not so sure really. I think this may be a case of understandable and appropriate aggression. There are situations where aggression is the right choice. Assertive to threaten? Don't think so but I am still on your side. ;)

 

[Changing4Best]

Being Bi-polar, when I first got here from another city, I was all excited and "wordy." WHen the building superintendant/ maintanence man came to fix something, I talked his ear off. WELL! After that, he was not very cooperative or punctual about working in my apartment. ALso, when he did finally get here, he was RUDE, not even saying "You're welcome." when I thanked him for coming and doing his work.

So! I complained to the building manager. I also said something to one of my girlfriends, because I knew she was friends with him and might say something to him about it nicely. She's always very tactful.

Now he is much more punctual, but instead of saying "you're welcome." He says "Thank you." whenever I do. Strange, but I don't mind, long as he says something pleasant and is punctual.

I'm glad I said something, because I was kind of steaming undernieth, whenever he was tardy or gruff. Now at least he's civil and does his job in an acceptable amount of time. It took me something like 2 yrs to get the nerve to say something. If only I had done so sooner, less suffering on my part would have been much better!!!

 

[Abstract]

the line between assertive and aggressive is awfully thin;)

I have been thinking about this. I don't think it is! ;) I do think that it is possible to misunderstand what assertive behaviour really is. I am not aiming this at you AS1975 but just discussing this on a general level.

Any implied threat no matter how subtle is not assertive behaviour.
Any name calling or personal comments means it is not assertive behaviour.
Any "you" "you" "you"ing means it isn't assertive behaviour.
Saying things indirectly or through other people is passive aggressive behaviour. So is agreeing and then doing the opposite or doing things "by accident".
Raising ones voice aggressively means it isn't assertive behaviour.
Using any threatening body language means it isn't assertive behaviour.
Talking over others is aggressive behaviour and not assertive.
Glaring is not assertive behaviour.
Invading others physical space is not assertive behaviour.
Only considering ones own stance is not assertive behaviour.
Valuing both oneself and the other person is assertive behaviour.
Attempting to inflict or induce pain in the other is aggressive. Attempting to inflict no pain in anyone including oneself is assertive.
Sarcasm in context of conflict is aggressive not assertive.
Stating what one needs or won't accept is assertive.
Stating how we feel about things and why we won't accept them is assertive.
Taking responsibility for ourselves, our wellbeing and our behaviour is assertive.
Manipulation is passive aggressive not assertive.

I think those that tend towards passive or passive aggressive behaviour can think they are being assertive when they are being passive aggressive or just passive. And those that tend towards aggression can think they being assertiveness when they are actually still being aggressive.

 

[Changing4Best]

I have been thinking about this. Saying things indirectly or through other people is passive aggressive behaviour.

I disagree. When I spoke to the manager of this place who is also the boss of the person who was being rude to me, I feel that this was called for and the right thing to do. His rudeness was uncalled for and it is her job to see that he treats all of us who live here with courteousness and respect.

There was no reason for me to get into any kind of confrontation with this man, or for it to be ignored by him if I had either. Frankly, it took everything I had in me to speak to her about it.

And when I spoke to the mutual friend, I was sounding her out, seeing if what I had experienced and observed about his behaviour was called for or not around here, since she is a native of this area. She did try to make excuses for him, but lets face it, excuses for his behaviour are plain signs that it was not right on his part to treat me that way!

 

[Abstract]

Hi Sheila,
Just wanted you to know firstly that what I said was not aimed at you at all. I did skim through your post but did not think of it when I was writing what I did.

It sounds like the steps you have taken were difficult and I think you deserve great credit for that. I have found assertive behaviour very difficult so sympathise.

I do imagine there are circumstances where speaking to someone else other than the person themselves can still be assertive. Especially if we are going in in our adult mode and stating what we need rather than a victim mode and waiting for someone to decide to defend us. And if the aim is not to punish and is rather to stand our ground. I also think sounding things out with a friend is certainly not passive aggressive if sounding out is truly the goal.

So really I would not know enough about the how and why of the way this went for you to know if there was any passive aggressive behaviour still lurking. But congratulations regardless as you have obviously done something that was difficult.

 

[Changing4Best]

Hi Sheila, ... But congratulations regardless as you have obviously done something that was difficult.

Thanks, yes, it was difficult, but worth it. All of us living here in the "Building For The Elderly And Disabled" in our town can be happier now, and I hope this man will continue to be more curteous and polite and timely for us all. There are 14 residences here, some of us single and some families, many of us frail, troubled or not at all feeling up to sticking up for ourselves. Someone had to speak up! And I guess that someone was me.