The Complex Repercussions/Nature Of Assertiveness

[Mach123]

This is really hard for me and I don't even know how to begin to address it. I only deal with it superficially now because I'm almost completely isolated except for immediate family. Everything else is very basic, shop clerks and state workers who deal with the handicapped. I can barely do that. It's mostly boundaries I think or the lack of them. I only want to show a prepared facade but my parts won't allow it so I have to hide. I can deal with women and certain men. Another part of it is the internalised abuser. I think anything like aggression or assertion on my part I see as me being the abuser and I have to shut that down. The result is a mess, me.
: ). But I have a certain charm.

 

[Recovery4Me]

Wonderful topic as well as some fantastic responses.

Assertiveness (for me) becomes extremely important when advocating self-care, medical resolution, or healing for authenticity. Such empowerment or my active autonomy is often fueled via self-determination or a few assertive steps to open some doors.

Being imperfect, sometimes my assertiveness may (actually be or) be perceived as aggression. However, I have a therapist inorder to fine tune and believe in self-compassion or amends for lessons learned.

There are an few trade offs that come with utilizing a go-get it attitude. And yet, if we are to find ourselves or discover whom we really are then we cannot always please everyone. The key or my goal set is to present my beliefs, needs or inquiries with as much grace as possible (for me at that time).

If I fall short in communication or my assertiveness broaches the current social or cultural tolerance... I regroup, try again wiser perhaps but do not let my clumsiness become more important than my baseline of self.

May you find your balance of assertiveness, truth and self in all that you discover.

 

[Freida]

Assertiveness comes from my belief in myself. If I have the facts/opinion/feelings to back it up then I can stand up for myself and not care if people like it or not.

Assertive doesn't mean bitchy. I can be calmly polite if I am met with the same. But. Assertive does mean I will stand up for myself. That is usually when people say I'm being bitchy. And I'm ok with that

 

[Abstract]

Hi everyone. Thank you so much. Have read everything and am still processing. Have a lot happening in my life at present. Love all the info on here. Realising that how assertiveness looks is more varied than I had in my mind and that holding back and doing is a good first step but not the end goal. Doing from a congruent internal space is a different experience. But assertiveness is one part of the equation. The other person is the other and how it is received is dependant on how it is delivered and that. Finding some extra understanding of my child self in that understanding. Lots more including real empowerment and real risk but will come back to that.

 

[hithere]

a long time ago, like back in the 1970's (wow ancient history!) there was a lot of talk and books written about assertiveness training. It was a thing. I don't hear it mention much anymore. Back in the 80's a lot of corporations had sessions that taught employees (especially women!) how to be assertive. Good topic.

 

[Abstract]

Am presently learning a lot a lot on this in my life. Helped also by all your thoughts on here. It seems this is, has been and will continue to be a way longer journey for me than I thought. I thought I did the whole learning assertiveness thing about 10 years ago. It certainly was life and self altering then.

Anyone have any thoughts about congruence and assertiveness? If it impacts the assertive behaviour. If it impacts the feelings we have internally after. If it impacts how effective the assertiveness is.

By congruence I mean the insides matching with the behaviour. Internal feelings matching actions rather than actions being done mechanically as a result of the brain calculating the need for the action and then following through. Thank you so much.

 

[hithere]

I've had a ton of assertive training in my career, and a lot of coaching because I negotiate constantly with people who have conflicting desires. People hate role playing but I have found it the number one best way to learn to communicative skills and assertiveness skills. If you find someone who is liked minded you could role play and give each other honest advice and talk about approaches. One thing is so necessary is the person to whom I am addressing the assertiveness to has a personality, and everyone is different. So it's best if I figure out what type of person I'm dealing with and what would be most helpful approach. This takes lots of time and experience until it comes naturally. When I keep the goal of "win-win" in my mind, then that helps me address the situation.

How do I say what I need to say, and set a boundary, or ask for what I want or need but in a way that the other person will not feel threatened, but rather want to become a fellow advocate or a collaborator. When these skills are mastered, success is sure to follow. It' part of good leaderhip.

Now some folks are just impossible, and that is where I fail, having masochistic traits myself. There is a time to walk away, shut the door, hang up the phone. Just say no, etc.

As far as congruency I know the times I stepped out of my normal, I said words that felt foreign to say (I use scripts I memorize until I can make them my own) and I did not feel right the first few times I said, them. It took guts. I remember telling myelf, ok, be gutsy or you will lose this opportunity. So I just said the words, and what do you know! The results were positive. As I saw results and how people responded to me in a positive way, it began to match up the exterior to the interior.

This is also true for social anxiety issues. Sometimes I just have to force myself to go to a party, smile, and chat. I don't feel on the inside how my outside is acting. By the end of the party, I'm pretty matched up and comfortable.

 

[Abstract]

@hithere that is really interesting. Thanks for sharing,

To give a synapses: I started off not doing aggressive almost ever, and doing assertiveness for others benefit but not able to be assertive for self. Then understood the theory, acted out what I needed to do even though internally was not wanting to. Did a tiny bit of role play in therapy. Very severe responses initially which I won't go into now. Also had to first build awareness of emotions, thoughts and environment before could even know when it was needed. Also a whole book possible about that. But determined, I continued and it became easier and was life changing. As you say was very interesting to see how others changed responses to me. I am good at forcing myself to do what I must (a little unmercifully) when I decide it is the right response to take. I guess me ending in leadership positions from early and being a good negotiator was partly about that ability to be assertive when it came to others,

But you mention personality and so did Friday before. And I'm realising there is more than one way that assertiveness can look. And different situations can need different levels of intensity. And have realised that internally I am still not congruent with what I am doing. I had a moment now of fully committing unapologetically to standing up for myself and this feels different to anything else before. A scope I guess of how empowering it feels according to how committed I am to the act. How wonderful it would be to truly be free internally and able to own my space and needs in the world. I'm not an envious person but for a moment it made me envious of those who probably do this automatically freely just being being and responding to situations around them.

Maybe this is also about potentially even needing to be aggressive on the rare occasion. Im wondering if some things could feel aggressive to me but still in fact be assertive.

And then of course as said before with some unhealthy personalities any attempt to be assertive meets rage and potentially more. Can even put us in harms way.

Any thoughts on being comfortable internally with action would be interesting to hear. And any thoughts about very determined no holds barred assertiveness. Or thoughts on being very direct and having a very direct say but with no intent to harm. Only to clarify or lay down a boundary.

Thanks so much.,

 

[hithere]

After reading your reply I can see that I, too, can negotiate on behalf of another person's needs and wants. For myself, it is so different. As I've matured and grown over the years I had to learn to say, "no," and I didn't really learn to do that until my career taught me how to do it. Also my kids and husband would stongly voice their disapproval when I would run myself into the ground for others, but not for their needs. So I slowly by need, learned somewhat.

However, I know I hurt my kids by putting the needs of other people before their needs, and even not standing up for my own kids. It just happened this year where my extended family was treating one of my children very poorly and I did not support my child. I won't go into it here, but it was a hard eye-opening lesson for me. I feel terrible about it, and have apologized to my children for all the years of not putting my own family first.

I have a friend who is very opinionated and if I do not share her views I"m too frightened to tell her so. She comes across harsh when people disagree, but in reality she is only sharing her opinions. I cringe and feel it is some sort of judgemental, critical attack, when it isn't. It's just her strong personality, which is actually gift. The fist time I said to her, "I have a different opinion" I felt two inches tall and felt I would be slapped and rejected. She was shocked at my response. Yet, asked me to explain myself. I did while shaking on the inside. So over the years with her, I learned I can share my views but I often times become completely blank in the brain and can't even articulate any solid reasoning. Just blank, which is the result of feeling overwhelmed and believing I am going to be slapped or punched. It's like a freeze response, but the situation is only talking about opinions. It could be something as simple as a different opinion on colors of paint.

I can't tell what reality is when it comes to myself. It's something I have been working on in therapy. I did role play some with my t on being assertive toward my mother, and I did have a negative reaction and that role playing did not go well.

Just this year I had an incident with my extended family where I was "rejected" and left out of something. I had to have my friends tell me that I was being treated poorly, because even though I was feeling rejected, I believed I was just the "crazy" one. It helped to have my friends tell me to stand up for myself. I did so. Emotionally I was a wreck during that test. I could see where the years of abuse from my family just messed me up

So, being assertive when it comes to what I need is different than my job. So I guess I'm working on it.