I'll try keep this brief but I'm a partial self diagnosed PTSD candidate. Actually my Aunty and parents came up with the idea that I may have it first and now I took the time to write down all my symptoms on paper and I wanted to share them to see what I should do.
Some days the reactions my body give me make me feel hopeless and I hate it because I am such a positive, outgoing person, with a 'I can make anything' happen attitude and in the last months I've lost this ability and my relationship with the girl of my dreams is suffering hard because I'm focusing more on every detail about who she talks to and sees, etc.. etc... than on me being the person I was when we met.
A brief account of how it started and who I am:
I'm a 25 year old male, I've been a vice world champion in dinghy sailing when I was 15 and a national champion in the same year. Since then I've become a professional windsurfer and the last ten years I have dedicated my life to it. It is the best thing I ever did and at the same time the worst. I've been multiple times national champion in the sport, I have a European title and for the first time I am competing on the full world tour... the best part of it right! Yet at the same time in the last 14 months I have slowly become an emotional wreck behind the positive face I put on and this is because of exactly two experiences.
The first was a plane flight (I used to love flying, watching the world below as I traveled gave me the biggest high of my life. I probably was on a plane to some exotic destination once every 3 weeks on average, traveling to test kit, compete at events or go and train where it is windy and warm). But in Feb 2012 I stepped on a plane for Cape Town from London, one hour into the flight the plane dropped and swung around all over the place. I clung onto my girlfriend for dear life as she clung on to me, we said we love each other as we genuinely thought the plane was going down. It was like the scene of a bad movie but 100x worse, really! The captain even came out and checked the wings!! Then we had 10 hours of the flight left, I went from enjoying flying to a full phobia of it in the space of 10 seconds! I was sick for the rest of the flight, didn't sleep and thought of ways to get back from Cape Town that didn't involve a plane. Every bump on a plane since I literally feel like I am about to have a heart attack. However, it wasn't this that gave me what I suspect to be PTSD, it was the second incident.
The second incident was in February this year, I was in Tarifa training windsurfing, then I went for my first double forward loop try, I crashed so hard on the side of my head that when I came up I was totally dazed and confused but still conscious. I came ashore feeling dizzy and stood alone with the video camera filming my friends for 5 minutes, then suddenly all the blood in my head sunk to my feet. It felt cold and I panicked like crazy, . thought there was bleeding on my brain, I ran up the beach saying to myself 'I don't want to die now, not now, not like this' as waves and waves of this feeling kept running through my body. I ran to a local, forgetting my friends, the camera, my kit, everything and the took me to hospital. I lay on the bed thinking this is the place I will die, without anyone, without my girlfriend, my family, all alone with these strangers who don't even know my name. They didn't even ask me for a contact number. 10 minutes later one of my friends appeared and then before I know it I'm in another ambulance and heading to a much bigger hospital. I had emergency CT scans, blood tests, etc... but all was clear....
In the first two weeks after that incident my body got many flashbacks, not visions of what happened but my body reacted like it did on the beach. I had no control of it, then I would go into shock wherever I was, shaking, feeling sick, dizzy and like I was about to drop dead. Within 2-4 weeks the flashbacks subsided but I became more worried about everything my body did, the smallest headache, the smallest heart skip, feeling slightly dizzy because I was dehydrated all sent me into this uncontrollable downward spiral where I thought I was about to suddenly drop dead from a heart attack or bleeding on the brain. This got worse when I had my nose cauterized because I'd been getting nose bleeds all winter, and a week after I got another nose bleed at the same time as feeling dizzy and I was so low at this point, I would break down in tears because I'm so afraid to die so young without achieving all that I want.
This fear added to it, the thoughts of dying, not being on this planet be it in a week or 70 years, I feel like I reached a point in my life where it is all downhill and I physically am starting to decline. The point where I got a nosebleed after I thought they had fixed it, maybe me stress more because I found out recently that I had high blood pressure, so I immediately went to hospital where they scanned my head for a second time but despite all my thoughts that something was wrong the scans were clear. Now I'm worried that I've had two CT scans and the radiation could have given me a tumor. It's crazy one thing clears up the next worry sets in, and so the cycle continues that I start thinking about dying, about being alone, not being with my girlfriend, leaving her and my family behind and what happens to me in those last minutes, hours days as I slip into a state that I will never return from, will it be painful, will I be brave or a wreck, will I be remembered or forgotten. These are all thoughts I had in this time.
Now 4-8 weeks after these feelings have subsided but from time to time when I am alone, with no one to speak to or nothing to do I start thinking about the whole death scenario and then suicidal thoughts come into my head, not suicidal like I want to but just is it quicker, much more painless, etc... yet I remain rational and know I would never do that. At the same time I still get paranoid once in a while out of the blue about getting dizzy, or my heart skipping a beat and I get really scared I'm about to drop dead there and then, behind the wheel of my van, or when I've just done a workout. I'm now afraid to workout too hard or too much in case that happens. On top of that the thoughts of that horrible plane flight come back and I don't want to go near a plane, yet I have 6 flights in the next 6 weeks!
Now the (what I call) 'Body Flashbacks' return just out of the blue, not when I'm thinking about anything, but as soon as it starts then it's the downward cycle for a while, like I'm going into a mild state of shock/panic. An anxiety attack I guess.
Anyway these are some of my symptoms, that is my story and I really don't want PTSD but if I have it then I want to know what to do next. I live in Austria now and if I need to see someone then maybe someone out there can recommend a person in Vienna?! Otherwise please help me out here, I want these thoughts away, I want to be happy to fly, not worried about a skipped beat from my heart, or slight dizzyness from my head. I've had all the medical checks and I'm fit, the only thing is my raised blood pressure. I even worry when my ears ring sometimes, like it is a sudden loss of blood pressure! I just want to be happy with my girlfriend again, happy to fly with her to brazil, cape town, the caribbean, the canaries, etc.. etc.. and not have her worrying about me all the time and thinking I'm sick and a burden, I don't want to be held back and I don't want her to be held back.
Thank you to anyone that takes the time to read this and sorry if it spurs any memories of your own but I heard talking about this helps so I'm doing exactly that and it isn't exactly the shortest post anymore, sorry!
Some days the reactions my body give me make me feel hopeless and I hate it because I am such a positive, outgoing person, with a 'I can make anything' happen attitude and in the last months I've lost this ability and my relationship with the girl of my dreams is suffering hard because I'm focusing more on every detail about who she talks to and sees, etc.. etc... than on me being the person I was when we met.
A brief account of how it started and who I am:
I'm a 25 year old male, I've been a vice world champion in dinghy sailing when I was 15 and a national champion in the same year. Since then I've become a professional windsurfer and the last ten years I have dedicated my life to it. It is the best thing I ever did and at the same time the worst. I've been multiple times national champion in the sport, I have a European title and for the first time I am competing on the full world tour... the best part of it right! Yet at the same time in the last 14 months I have slowly become an emotional wreck behind the positive face I put on and this is because of exactly two experiences.
The first was a plane flight (I used to love flying, watching the world below as I traveled gave me the biggest high of my life. I probably was on a plane to some exotic destination once every 3 weeks on average, traveling to test kit, compete at events or go and train where it is windy and warm). But in Feb 2012 I stepped on a plane for Cape Town from London, one hour into the flight the plane dropped and swung around all over the place. I clung onto my girlfriend for dear life as she clung on to me, we said we love each other as we genuinely thought the plane was going down. It was like the scene of a bad movie but 100x worse, really! The captain even came out and checked the wings!! Then we had 10 hours of the flight left, I went from enjoying flying to a full phobia of it in the space of 10 seconds! I was sick for the rest of the flight, didn't sleep and thought of ways to get back from Cape Town that didn't involve a plane. Every bump on a plane since I literally feel like I am about to have a heart attack. However, it wasn't this that gave me what I suspect to be PTSD, it was the second incident.
The second incident was in February this year, I was in Tarifa training windsurfing, then I went for my first double forward loop try, I crashed so hard on the side of my head that when I came up I was totally dazed and confused but still conscious. I came ashore feeling dizzy and stood alone with the video camera filming my friends for 5 minutes, then suddenly all the blood in my head sunk to my feet. It felt cold and I panicked like crazy, . thought there was bleeding on my brain, I ran up the beach saying to myself 'I don't want to die now, not now, not like this' as waves and waves of this feeling kept running through my body. I ran to a local, forgetting my friends, the camera, my kit, everything and the took me to hospital. I lay on the bed thinking this is the place I will die, without anyone, without my girlfriend, my family, all alone with these strangers who don't even know my name. They didn't even ask me for a contact number. 10 minutes later one of my friends appeared and then before I know it I'm in another ambulance and heading to a much bigger hospital. I had emergency CT scans, blood tests, etc... but all was clear....
In the first two weeks after that incident my body got many flashbacks, not visions of what happened but my body reacted like it did on the beach. I had no control of it, then I would go into shock wherever I was, shaking, feeling sick, dizzy and like I was about to drop dead. Within 2-4 weeks the flashbacks subsided but I became more worried about everything my body did, the smallest headache, the smallest heart skip, feeling slightly dizzy because I was dehydrated all sent me into this uncontrollable downward spiral where I thought I was about to suddenly drop dead from a heart attack or bleeding on the brain. This got worse when I had my nose cauterized because I'd been getting nose bleeds all winter, and a week after I got another nose bleed at the same time as feeling dizzy and I was so low at this point, I would break down in tears because I'm so afraid to die so young without achieving all that I want.
This fear added to it, the thoughts of dying, not being on this planet be it in a week or 70 years, I feel like I reached a point in my life where it is all downhill and I physically am starting to decline. The point where I got a nosebleed after I thought they had fixed it, maybe me stress more because I found out recently that I had high blood pressure, so I immediately went to hospital where they scanned my head for a second time but despite all my thoughts that something was wrong the scans were clear. Now I'm worried that I've had two CT scans and the radiation could have given me a tumor. It's crazy one thing clears up the next worry sets in, and so the cycle continues that I start thinking about dying, about being alone, not being with my girlfriend, leaving her and my family behind and what happens to me in those last minutes, hours days as I slip into a state that I will never return from, will it be painful, will I be brave or a wreck, will I be remembered or forgotten. These are all thoughts I had in this time.
Now 4-8 weeks after these feelings have subsided but from time to time when I am alone, with no one to speak to or nothing to do I start thinking about the whole death scenario and then suicidal thoughts come into my head, not suicidal like I want to but just is it quicker, much more painless, etc... yet I remain rational and know I would never do that. At the same time I still get paranoid once in a while out of the blue about getting dizzy, or my heart skipping a beat and I get really scared I'm about to drop dead there and then, behind the wheel of my van, or when I've just done a workout. I'm now afraid to workout too hard or too much in case that happens. On top of that the thoughts of that horrible plane flight come back and I don't want to go near a plane, yet I have 6 flights in the next 6 weeks!
Now the (what I call) 'Body Flashbacks' return just out of the blue, not when I'm thinking about anything, but as soon as it starts then it's the downward cycle for a while, like I'm going into a mild state of shock/panic. An anxiety attack I guess.
Anyway these are some of my symptoms, that is my story and I really don't want PTSD but if I have it then I want to know what to do next. I live in Austria now and if I need to see someone then maybe someone out there can recommend a person in Vienna?! Otherwise please help me out here, I want these thoughts away, I want to be happy to fly, not worried about a skipped beat from my heart, or slight dizzyness from my head. I've had all the medical checks and I'm fit, the only thing is my raised blood pressure. I even worry when my ears ring sometimes, like it is a sudden loss of blood pressure! I just want to be happy with my girlfriend again, happy to fly with her to brazil, cape town, the caribbean, the canaries, etc.. etc.. and not have her worrying about me all the time and thinking I'm sick and a burden, I don't want to be held back and I don't want her to be held back.
Thank you to anyone that takes the time to read this and sorry if it spurs any memories of your own but I heard talking about this helps so I'm doing exactly that and it isn't exactly the shortest post anymore, sorry!
