Relationship PTSD - The Impact On Relationships Continued

[malibran]

Thank you very much . You have said it all very well. I am new here and this is exactly what I feel too.
Malibran

 

[cynelena]

Cowgirl, you hit the nail on the head! ALL relationships are a two way street, even when one person has PTSD. It may take more work than a normal relationship, but it's possible to get through it!

 

[Ann54]

As with a lot of others I'm new here and this has been a real eye opener for me and has completely changed the way I think. My husband was diagnosed with Chronic PTSD 3 years ago due to a 6 month tour in Basra. I didn't think anything of it and had no knowledge of what it was really. My husband to this day doesn't believe he has it even though he is still seeing a Psychiatrist. Since he came back his personality changed, the girls and I came to know just by looking at him we were in for a few dark months. The abuse started almost immediately, starting with a slap for something we disagreed on escalating and becoming normal to him. We split up for 3 months to re-assess how we felt and I set the bounderies then, no physical abuse was one of them. And he agreed, I was receiving permanent injuries. Everything went smoothly for a few months purely because he was in his up time. Then the down time came and SLAP, I was shocked and hurt emotionally. We had a serious incident a couple of weeks ago because I didn't iron his shirt for the next day, he smashed the house up and then it was my turn so I called the police for the first time ever.

The trouble with this illness for a carer is that it's a gradual slope down, you're so involved emotionally you can't see the woods for the trees and I was in the middle of it. All his anger was vented on me. I didn't know where to turn and I blogged my story on another site and an angel came to my aid and guided me here. After reading the posts I am seeing clearly for the first time in 3 years and know what I need to do.

He can't or won't help himself, he is receiving help and not using it and I will no longer be his punch bag.

I am dreadfully sorry for the sufferers, I cannot imagine how they feel but it is no excuse for abuse in any shape or form, not emotionally or physically. I have tried to support him almost to the point of losing myself in all of this and all I got for my troubles was verbal and physical abuse and it stops here.

Thank you so much Amethist for guiding me to this site, I feel as if a weight has been lifted off my shoulders :Hug_emoticon:

 

[Nicolette]

I am really sorry for what you have been through Ann. You nor your girls deserve abuse. You are correct - there is no excuse & I hope you don't subject yourself to anymore. Get out - I am sure you know that is what you must do as nothing can undo what potential damage this may do to your and/or your girls. Stay safe!

 

[Shoka]

Dear Ann54

My thoughts are with you. I'm sorry that you've been hit by this man, someone you surely love and trusted. I hope you and your girls are getting some help and that you have taken yourself out of harms way. As you well know, It's important for your self esteem that you do not allow him to hurt you again, and it's importnat that your daughters learn that his behavior is unacceptable, and that you will stand up for yourself and take care of yourself.

I agree with Nicolette when she says "Get out". It's the strong, but honest truth.
What you stand to lose by staying is far greater than any benefit you will gain if you don't leave.

You are in my thoughts!

Shoka

 

[MELGI]

Thank you!
You have really summed up my feelings ...
From falling in love with a most loving, caring,intelligent person ... to the shock of a lifetime!
In normal situation, we would all be happy and relieve to say "hey, get on your bike you selfish b***" or whatever, and we have all done this before with a sense of relieve.

But in this case, the wonderful "loved one" is sick, we cannot have the support of anger, we want to help, understand, care, nurse ...

That's why so many career are scouting the Internet looking for clues, and this is why we just do not give up when we get pushed away.

Because there is being, behind or inside the nasty PTSD alien that was just perfect ...

We will eventually make a decision, but we need to understand and "try" first..

It is difficult! If only I knew how long I should be waiting and "give space" ....

:o) Melgi

 

[MELGI]

Thank you, Nicolette, for your posting.

I really appreciate the "matter-of-fact" speech and it gives me a new purpose.
Setting boundaries .... the waiting game of the first "crisis" catches us anywhere, but then, you made me realise that it is important to decide when enough will be enough... sort of a tolerance level guide.

Thank you, I am thinking about it and rather then spend the next days/weeks in doubt waiting for an "if" anyway, I am going to set the end of this waiting game that is just taking all the energy out of me.

We will see .... Thank you!

 

[Pam]

My C is helped by me having a dog (actually two). His have passed away and he so far has not gotten another one. That seems to be okay with him as he dearly loves my two dogs and they love him. I get to do all the feeding, washing, house training, etc. However, it is worth it. It seems to help him feel tender feelings.

I know of another couple that asked for and got a mental health therapy dog that goes with them everywhere. They can even take him into a restaurant. The dog has a little jacket that identifies him as a therapy dog.

Anyway, I think the dogs have helped us through our rough spots. The only draw back was when my old dog passed away. C had gotten very attached to him and Tigger was clearly attached to C. When I had to put him down because of inoperable throat cancer C had an episode of sadness that caused him to jump into his car and drive away while I was still burying Tigger in the flower garden. A few months later I got a puppy that has turned out to be a great therapy dog for the both of us. And now my new puppy has added another positive dimension to our little family. Maybe even the sadness that happens with the loss of a dog can even be helpful. Anyway, it might be worth a try.

 

[Nicolette]

realise that it is important to decide when enough will be enough... sort of a tolerance level guide.

Well done Melgi.

 

[intothelight]

I didn't know where to put this, but the title of this thread was fitting. After reading so much in the carer section, I realized how the negative aspects of my behavior were very hurtful to others. So I decided to be very open, explain what I was feeling and deal with it; instead of projecting it onto my spouse or just shutting down with no explanation.

This has helped strengthen our relationship. My husband is even more open with his feelings, so when he is having trouble with something, I don't read a lot of unnecessarily stuff into it.

There are still times when the symptoms get away from me, but I do work really hard in trying to not project issues onto the wrong people. Just wanted to share and let carers know how helpful their posts can be by giving a sufferer their perspective.

 

[RatInaMaze]

Cowgirl,

You give me hope. My husband (Sufferer) has always been a wonderfully supportive and expressive man. I have gone back and forth between despair and the minimal of hope.

Thank you

 

[Iron_Angel]

I'm responding to Nicolette's original post in this thread. It's been very helpful to read it all to this point. Lots of food for thought, and my mind has certainly been turning things over and over and over for the past week or so.

I was divorced in 1988 from my husband after 16 years of marriage because he was an alcoholic. Even though he finally got treatment in that last year of our marriage, I was done dealing with it all. Burnt out. I came to realize that his alcoholism was his coping mechanism for PTSD from childhood trauma.

Over the past 20 years, I've raised my children, gone back to school, found a great job, and put myself back together. I had resigned myself to being alone for the remainder of my days until a couple of years ago when a good friend encouraged me to just "get back out there!".

I did so, and met a few nice guys but no one special until last year I met "Ed" as I've called him elsewhere in the forum. He is brilliant, sweet, funny, and we are so compatible it's as if the universe filled my shopping list of qualities all in one man. Except for his PTSD.

Despite my brave talk in other threads, and my perennial "look on the bright side" tendency, I am being pounded into the ground by Ed's disorder. So I am taking what Nicolette first wrote in this thread to heart, and pondering deeply.

The situation is complex. Ed is not abusive in any way. We talked about and established boundaries months ago. Not only have I been supportive of his illness, but I've tried to help him stop the ongoing nature of his trauma. He has been unable to put it before the courts, and I have committed to helping him get some justice. I decided to do that whether or not we have a relationship.

Some of the posts above suggested that if the sufferer was not doing his part to deal with the PTSD, it was unfairly making the carer shoulder the burden of the illness. Ed is not currently receiving any treatment. As I mentioned in his story, his previous attempts to get treatment ended up with him arrested -- further abused by police who are the source of his original trauma. That is basically a sufferer's worst nightmare come true. In that way, he has an excuse for not dealing with the illness, although I have told him I would go with him to therapy and do everything possible to make sure that didn't happen again.

We're now grinding into week 4 of his silence. He shut down on Jan 12 and apart from a few e-mails with links in them, we've had no interaction since. I don't know what he's feeling, I don't even know how he's spending his time. The last thing he said to me was that he had zero energy and nothing to offer, which I've heard before. This is not the first drought we've had, in a friendship of over a year. One of the silences lasted two months.

I've tried to be supportive and understanding. I've told him I'm patient, and don't mind waiting. I keep telling him it's okay. But it's not okay. There's a limit to patience and waiting. I'm here in the forums talking to you because I can't talk to him. I can talk AT him in an e-mail but I feel that's just throwing a thought bomb at him, which is unfair. I also don't know how he's going to react to anything, so an e-mail is a bad way to share feelings.

In the corporate world we talk about "opportunity cost" --- if you choose one course of action over another, what is it costing you NOT to take that other opportunity? For me, at my age, what is it costing me to stick with Ed when there may be someone else out there who is a lot healthier and really ready to hold up his end of a relationship?

Before I met Ed I was already dating pensioners, there's not a lot of time left if you know what I mean! :eek:

I also know that Ed has no one else. He is cut off from his family, he doesn't work, and the only other friend he has is his roommate. I'm currently on extended vacation, and I had thought we'd get a chance to spend some quality time together. Instead, here I sit by myself, using my own coping mechanisms to avoid thinking too much.

But I'll be doing a lot of thinking about what Nicolette said, and what others have written in response.