Relationship PTSD - The Impact On Relationships Continued

[pebbels]

Nicolette, I think it's difficult to understand PTSD in itself. It's even more difficult to understand how PTSD manifests itself in the person you are caring about. Then it's difficult to work out what works for the sufferer.

With a cold it generally affects everyone the same way (assuming the same strain). Sore throat, runny nose, fatigue. And the same solution; bed rest keep your fluids up.

You might be an expert on PTSD, but then you have to become an expert on how it affects your loved one.

You only have to look around this site. Even amongst sufferers there are disagreements on symptoms, attitude, treatment. There are common themes of course.

But there lots of causes for PTSD. Each person has their own unique personality. Their own particular upbringing (I'm sure a PTSD diagnosis is compounded by a negative upbringing), cuurent support & stresses etc etc

But perhaps I'm going off track.

What I was trying to say is that PTSD is a disorder that affects the person. It is not the person. No more then cancer defines a person. Of course cancer is going to affect a person's behaviour from time to time. It would be understandable if a person suffering cancer was short tempered or rude.

But if a cancer sufferer was abusive and then said sorry I was abusive, I'm sorry I slept with someone else - the cancer made me do it?

Well I would hope that I would be saying 'if the cancer is making you do it, until you get help for your abusive behaviour I can't subject myself to it'

The individual is responsible for owning their behaviour (even if PTSD related) and taking the steps to get better. It must be so difficult watching a loved one (I've been on the other side with a relative with bipolar) and the word to sum it up is - helpless. It's an awful feeling of helplessness watching someone you love be in so much pain, but it's not an excuse for them to put you through pain.

Sometimes I even think the word 'carer' implies too much responsibility, and think maybe 'supporter' is better.

:clap:

 

[wildflower]

Wow, Nicolette!!! Thank you!!! You have made me think about some things within myself today.

I joined this forum today, after searching for so many answers to questions that seem to never have the answer. I have read so many things that have hit home on here. I won't say that I know what I am going to do with my relationship, but I do know that I need to think what is going to be best for me. I love my partner so deeply that I have to realize that it might not be enough to help with this problem. She is going to have to love me enough to fight the demons inside her and allow me to come inside. She is not distant 24/7, but recently it is becoming more and more. She can see a beautiful sunset and be "spaced out". She can tell me one day she loves me and be so jovial about it, then less than 2 hours later, be confused as to her emotions.

I have often referred to her PTSD and emotional detachment as the tv show, Clean Sweep. She has cleaned out EVERYTHING!!! The good and the bad. I tell her, she is the only one that can place the good back in and leave the negative out. Sometimes I feel as if she uses it as an excuse to not deal with situations, especially when things get to be stressful. She has many anxiety disorders on top of the PTSD, but I never knew any of them until we were in a relationship and I was in deep.

She is seeking counseling, taking meds (which she misses doses), and will admit she has a problem. Our problem with the relationship is when she goes into her "moods", she is something I can not describe. She sleeps the entire time or she is on a "high". The "high" is a cleaning spree where she is up all night and cleaning the house from top to bottom. I am so thankful that I read the post you replied to about them pulling away from the people they care the most about, because we are stressful to them. They are stressed about our feelings. This gives me hope that she does love me somewhere in there. Even though she tells me one days she doesn't know how she feels and then the next she will tell me she loves me.

Our background is that of friends for many, many years...and I have always wanted to be with her. I, once again, was clueless about the issues that she had, because she covered them up so well. I knew she had several medical problems, but not the mental problems. We had and still have a great relationship when the PTSD is not popping it's ugly head up. I still have so many questions regarding this and I hope that I can find some answers in this forum. Just reading this today has made me feel so much better, I now know that I am not alone. Someone is at least out there that can listen and understand what I am going through. (As I sit here in tears, because I do love her so and want my partner back whole).

Do you have any suggestions for me, other than just give her space? Which I do...alot of it. I may see her once a week. We talk a total of 20 minutes a day, if that much now. Which is not where it use to be. I encourage her to get involved with the activities she was once in...church, yoga, art, friends, etc....she is not interested. She says she is, but getting her out of the house to actually do any of the above is not happening. She wants to sit around and eat chocolate, watch tv, work and stay emotionally detached from everything. I just don't understand. I was abused also as a child, my last partner mentally abused me and I am not doing this. I see a whole beautiful world in front of me and I want to see it. By the way, she started showing signs around the time her father (who was one of her abusers) passed away, and then her job got to be really stressful. Any help, thoughts, suggestions, etc...is really welcomed....

 

[midi]

Wildflower,

Just the fact that you actually recognize she has issues is great! Many people refuse to accept mental illness and as such, blame them instead of support them. Way to go!

 

[ISupportHer]

WOW, so much to take in here. In just this thread alone. I can look back and see so much behavior, her's and mine, that could have been better. We changed over the years and to a certain extent changed roles I feel. Then, when her memories came to the surface, everything shifted rapidly. From that first message in this thread, I do see that the isolation I feelis part of the PTSD. I just have to figure myself out to determine maybe when enough is enough. Funny, some 2 years ago, when I found out the depression's source was childhood abuse and PTSD and not me, I was euphoric. I remember thinking we finally had a "reason" that we could work on and fight together. I had no F'in idea! I sure have had a rude awakening.

 

[Some1sAngel]

So then, we as carers should just give up one the person we care for ?? Go about our lives and forget they exist ?? I'm sorry but .. I don't agree. I'm going through the same thing with my marine. And he wasn't like this before. He's changed upon returning from the war. Should I just turn the other way and leave him ?? While others say be patient and understanding, I read this and it tells me otherwise, that I'm wasting my time. Holding on to a maybeee. I think that if we all thought this way then there would be a lot of PTSD suffers out of relationships because it's they're partner who is the strong one, the one that doesn't give up on them when times are hard. Instead the chose to support and be there for them.

 

[Nicolette]

Some1sAngel. What this thread is about is the cruel reality of what PTSD does to relationships.

No one is saying you have to give up or walk away or that you are wasting your time.

PTSD does change your man, he will never be as he was before. Yes, there will be some tough times and you will need to be strong for both him and yourself. Unfortunately however the only real person who can make a difference is your Sufferer and sometimes that is too much for them and relationships are destroyed.

There is a big difference between being strong and supporting your partner and being strong while you are abused as the PTSD is out of control and the Sufferer is not able to move forward.

This purpose of this thread is for everyone to share and for you to take what you think is relevant away for your benefit. There have been many Carers who have come and gone not liking the reality that they were paying the price of abuse at the expense of the Sufferer.

No-one is saying give up on your Sufferer and think that it is hopeless from the onset. You do however need to acknowledge that if a relationship has deteriorated to such a low point that you are being abused due to PTSD then something needs to change. Not all Sufferers are like that and some maintain wonderful relationships however they work on their PTSD as well as having someone love and support them. Reality is that many sufferers, in the uncontrolled stages of PTSD, cannot maintain relationships.

 

[Shoka]

As carers, we have a responsibility to ourselves too. We must maintain healthy relationships with ourselves and watch out for patterns of abuse.

It is a hard reality to face, especially when love and emotion is involved. But the pattern of abuse is slippery and dangerous if you're not honestly on the look out for it.

I've learned I'm not helping him or me if I allow myself te be mistreated.

 

[ISupportHer]

This whole thing is so hard. My wife and I went out for dinner last night at a nice restaurant. 31st anniversary today :kiss:and we have other commitments tonight. I told her I loved her and that I have no regrets marrying her, it spite of a very tough last few years. That I'm here for for her. There was no "I love you too". Just "I'm sorry I've put you through hell" I focus my frustration on the fact that these types of responses are part of the depression and PTSD. You know, not to be angry at, or be hurt by the person but be angry or be hurt by the disease. It is still hard, however.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Support,

I wish she could have fulfilled your expectation, but trust that after 31 years, you know she loves you too. I'm sure with all her heart- shame and guilt make it hard to express the words or acknowledge/ "believe" the reality that you could love her that much, despite all that has occurred.

But, I would guess that you both love each other so much, at it's core, that you know that without even words (nice and necessary as they are to hear)- that's a tremendous gift and testimony to your support and love, all this time.

Concentrate on the "positive parts": you made it out to dinner, you talked intimately, she acknowledged the ptsd, you're at 31 years and counting..
(Happy Anniversary, a little late, btw. :smile::smile: )

 

[her_indoors43]

:occasion:31yrs...wow...... congratulations.......:thumbs-up.....:clap:well done...

best friends for life hey how cool.....:smile:

 

[ISupportHer]

Thanks to Junebug and Her Indoors43.

We've got a weekend away next weekend. This topic of the dinner was discussed this morning with my Psychologist. It is sometimes hard to see the forest for the trees and I was only able to come to my senses the next day and see it for what it is. Not to take it personally. Of course, after a rough night but I'm back on top now. Right now I'm not > :wall:

Thanks again. As I've responded previously in threads. This ability for me to "vent" to those who know what it's all about has been so, so helpful to me. More than I can convey, really.

 

[ISupportHer]

:clap: And I'm off moderation!!! :doh:

This day is looking up! :smile:

OK, too many smiles for one post :naughty: