tphillips117
Silver Member
Crazy. That's been my journey in life. When I talk about myself, it's almost like my life never happened. The story lines of movies or books, but not my story, or my book. Falsely accused of molesting my 10 year old brother back in 1993, changed my exsistence forever. Arrested, handcuffed, read my rights, saw my warrant, and taken out of my high school by the police, in front of everyone. It shattered everything I thought I knew about myself, my family, the justice system and the value of self worth. I've stuggled with trusting anyone, I've learned to live with shame and to hide what happened to me. I've learned that even your own mother can be so coniving, so evil, so determined to "get you", that you are not safe anywhere. I live in fear. My heart races, my adrenaline rushes, I break out in a cold sweat, my hands shake, my head pounds, sometimes I throw up. The mere notion of the police makes my body react in unstoppable ways. I feel sick. This is how I've lived for almost 20 years. I'm just wating for the police to pull up in my driveway and take me away. As irrational as it sounds, I'm convinced that its going to happen.
Today, I relented and saw a psychotherapist for the first time. I'm sort of shocked at my almost complete unemotional affect. When I think about it in my own head, more times than not, it makes me cry. I've lost a lot. But when I talk about it outloud, it's like it's not really all that bad. Like I should just get over it. I don't need this guy. Truth is, aside from my husband, I've never really told anyone else what my life has been like. The double life I lead, is exhausting. Just absolutely emotionally draining. I feel cold, sad, empty and lonely on the inside. Doc seems to think (upon first impression) that this is a PTSD situation. I hadnt really thought of that before. I just thought it was anxiety. Any thoughts?
Today, I relented and saw a psychotherapist for the first time. I'm sort of shocked at my almost complete unemotional affect. When I think about it in my own head, more times than not, it makes me cry. I've lost a lot. But when I talk about it outloud, it's like it's not really all that bad. Like I should just get over it. I don't need this guy. Truth is, aside from my husband, I've never really told anyone else what my life has been like. The double life I lead, is exhausting. Just absolutely emotionally draining. I feel cold, sad, empty and lonely on the inside. Doc seems to think (upon first impression) that this is a PTSD situation. I hadnt really thought of that before. I just thought it was anxiety. Any thoughts?
