Pulling Police Report, Photos and Interview - Have You Done Something Similar?

[Perdido]

I'm shaking as I type. Moments ago, I left a message for the public affairs division of my local police department.

The purpose for my call? To see what I can obtain in terms of public records from the horrible day my friend shot himself unintentionally at my house two decades ago.

There's a part of me that wants to hear the interview I had with police about the shooting. I'd also like to see the 'mug shot' of me police snapped in a small, nondescript, musty holding area. And if I could get the 911 call, it would be great.

I'm not sure what my objective is. Perhaps I just want to connect the fragmented memories in my head with what actually happened that day.

Anyone else done something similar?

Part of me thinks it's crazy for me to dredge up the past. I mean, do I really want to listen to my interview with the cop who told me in an off-the-cuff manner, "Your friend? Oh, he's dead." Or do I really want to see the photo of me that undoubtedly shows the blood of my best friend on my face (from CPR)? And the 911 call, would that just bring up bad memories?

I've wanted to inquire about these things to the police for years. And now I've done it. Hoping I get a call back today. I'm nervous thinking about the possibility of reliving that horrible day through these items -- but I think it's the right thing to do. Perhaps it would be a step toward healing, too.

Thanks for any insight you might have,
Perdido

 

[WorkingThruIt]

I want to do the same thing, but I have never gone through with it. Part of me wants to put it behind me and other part NEEDS to know all the details that were kept from me because I was 12.

Do they have to give you the reports if you ask for them? My incident was probably before they computerized everything.

I wanted to add that my mother went back to the house where her father committed suicide in the early 60s. She did not get all the answers she wanted, but it seemed to help here deal with the situation better.

 

[Perdido]

WorkingThruIt - The police report should be the easiest thing to obtain. It's public record, and it should be on file or archived somewhere.

You should be able to fairly easily obtain the report if one was filed. But if it doesn't happen easily, write a letter and reference the Freedom of Information Act, which, in short, makes public records available upon request.

Good luck

 

[Perdido]

I did it -- and I feel great.

Today, the police department gave me a thick folder of materials about the day my friend died at my house.

The materials included photos of my house, of the gun, of my mug shot, coroner reports, officer reports, firefighter statements and more. Most fascinating to me was the 10-page transcript of the interview police conducted with me that day; it almost reads like a screenplay and not something that actually happened to me.

The original tapes of the interview and of the 911 call were destroyed long ago, unfortunately. But at least the transcript of the interview remained, allowing me to restore some memories that until today had been fuzzy at best.

All in all, I feel good in this moment. Hoping this is a significant step for me and that it puts me a step closer on the long road of PTSD recovery.

 

[Mina]

Wow, Perdido, that's a huge step - I applaud you :clap:

As for your objective, perhaps you are looking not only to connect with fragmented memories, but to do so by reconstructing the event using the facts. Perhaps in that way, the overall situation itself would seem less fragmented and more complete. My trauma was an injury, and it has been very helpful to me to reconstruct how it occurred. Sometimes I wish I could play a tape of the whole thing, because my memories of everything after the initial reaction of horror are very patchy.

I am considering doing something similar regarding my cousin's death - I'd like to read the accident report. We grew up together and were close friends...she was killed in a single-car rollover wreck about 9 years ago. Somehow I feel like it will help me gain more closure if I know the details.

 

[Mina]

We must have been typing at the same time! :wink:

Way to go on reviewing everything!!! So glad to hear it helped. That took a lot of courage. You have much to be proud of, Perdido!!! :thumbs-up

 

[Perdido]

Thanks, Mina. I think this was a significant step for me. As you said, it helps to understand what happened that day based on facts.

I, too, don't recall exactly what happened or in what order things happened. This is frustrating for me. For years, I've had the same hazy recollections swirling in my head, and now I have 100 pages of various reports that help to a great extent tell the story of that horrible, horrible day.

Final note: I also found comfort seeing the photo of myself -- my mug shot -- and of the gun resting on our kitchen table. I threw away the gun years ago, and in a way I don't fully understand, seeing it again was a good thing.

Thanks for your messages, Mina. And best wishes to you, too.

 

[PerfectEmpire]

Perdido,

I also have sought records related to my traumas. I am still working on getting records for my biggest one, but I recently learned that they are probably burned or shredded now because I was a minor and the school system I was in purges records every 7 years. There is a chance that because of the nature of my situation, records are still hiding somewhere for legal reasons.

Eight years after being put (unwillingly) in a (terrible) psychiatric unit, I was able to obtain a 50+ page book of nurses' notes, admissions and discharge documents, all with detailed observations of my behavior. It was a very good read and helped me put together fragments about what happened when I was in the hospital. I went over it all with my T who was fascinated at the opportunity to see a former inpatient comment on their records sentence for sentence. The hospital is no longer on the list of places I am afraid of/can't go to. In fact, I've considered working there!

Each time I go for a record, whether for a school trauma or a hospital trauma, I find myself trembling and nauseous with plenty of flashbacks. Going over the records are hard work for me and my nervous system. I often question myself and what I am doing. But in the end it is all worth it for the wisdom and understanding.

 

[pandora]

i had to do this with my first crimianl injuries appt. It was hard to read all of the medical notes but it made the denial I had been using no longer useful. I burned all that info....unfortunately the ptsd hit me 10 years later. I then went back to criminal injuries and after having yet another hearing was able to get compensation as well as coverage for therapy. It helped me but it is hard to read...I think that is why I burned it....never knowing that ten or more years later I would be experiencing full blown PTSD.

 

[Josephine]

I did something similar to this a few months ago. My lawyer called and asked if I wanted his files or if he should destroy them. I picked them up intending to set them aside for a few years. Of course I ended up reading through them in one day. It was awful reading about witnesses discriptions of my Dad and Sister as they were trapped in the car. I now have a picture in my head of that but I still think it was worth it. I felt a little relief at knowing that I now know all the details of what happened.

 

[BethRSA]

When the major flashback happened 6 years ago that brought the pieces together for me, I had to find concrete evidence that it really did happen. I always remembered about the rape, but totally blanked out and "forgot" that I had been pregnant and miscarried.

After I had the major flashback, I went back through my papers--medical reports, receipts, etc. I couldn't believe that I (as a very detailed person) could forget something that life changing (especially since I remembered about the rape). After finding the stuff (I'd moved three times in the 5 years between the miscarriage and the flashback), I was so sad, but at least I knew that it was real. Later before I moved again, I found a baby jersey I had started to knit.

Even now, I started my diary here so that I can piece together that time in my life. I feel a need to have these bits and pieces of memories (like puzzle pieces) put together into a picture.

 

[Perdido]

Thanks to everyone who has responded with their personal stories. I've kept my inch-thick file at arms length lately, and have referenced it about once a week.

Having it has been as healing as I thought it might be -- though I still have a big mountain to climb.

PTSD is so damn overwhelming and all-consuming, even having a 'breakthrough' like this doesn't seem like a big deal. But in the end, I think this will be one of many mile markers on my personal road to defeat -- or at least make retreat -- the demons of PTSD.

Saludos y suerte ... Perdido