Relationship Pushing Me Away Because He "doesn't Deserve Me..."

[shadowscovertruth]

My husband suffers from ptsd. I know of his suffering, he is for the most part very open with me about his struggles and I am and have always been extremely supportive. He has been having a very rough time lately because of his ptsd. He has been pushing me away and I struggle at times with understanding. He has told me in the past that when he pushes me away... to basically hold on to him. That it isn't really him talking.

We have been having issues that I feel is 100% a repeat event. Three years ago we divorced. He was deployed and before his deployment he pushed me away. He developed a friendship that I was not comfortable with and we divorced over it. He told me that he didn't deserve me, I didn't listen of course. He is the love of my life. He told me that he wanted to divorce because we didn't know each other anymore and that he wasn't happy with me. I was so hurt and betrayed that I gave up. I moved away and on with my life along with our son. He moved on with this new girl. It was very hard because I truly love him, but sometimes unfair things happen in life right? After awhile he apologized and said that he had made a mistake. It took awhile but I eventually listened to him. We began to spend time together and trust grew again. The love that I have felt has always remained the same. I moved to be with him and started my career and my life over. Things were a struggle at times and great the rest of the time. Isn't that life? We had a daughter... we were a family. Now recently...

He has been distancing himself for awhile. He has had my trust but keeps taking it as far as it will go. His behaviour is repeating and I began to ask questions. He has been talking to someone else. I found out who she is. I believe that their relationship is more than what he will admit to me. Last night I questioned him. He told me that he should be dead right now, that it was the plan but he can not do it. He said that he is not happy with me, that I should see other people and move on with my life and be happy. That is not even a possibility to me. He told me th he only reconciled our relationship to help me because he was responsible for my unhappiness. That he has fixed it and now has nothing left for me. That he has been living a lie and can't continue to live this way. He has said so many things and I have heard it once before. I can't understand this and how this could be true. I feel that it is his ptsd pushing me.out of his life once again. I don't want to go anywhere. All that I want is him by my side and to be by his. He says that he is not a good husband to me and that I deserve to be loved.

I told him that I can not live with myself if we hurt our children this way, by being apart. I just feel like my life will be shattered as it was before. I truly love my husband with all of my heart. He told me many things and said that he wishes he could take the whole conversation back and go back to the way things were. I feel so helpless now and I am sure that he can read me like a book. I don't want to give up on him, our love, our future, and our family.

But I am terrified now and have no one to talk to. Because this has happened before everyone will be so quick to judge him. I need guidance and advice...

 

[Hashi]

Because this has happened before everyone will be so quick to judge him.

I'm wondering what you make of the fact that this has happened before. Do you think it's relevant? A pattern? Or of no significance?

 

[shadowscovertruth]

I do think that it is relevant. I can't understand what makes him feel this way.

 

[ptsdsolution]

Ok, the way I see it, its not just you and him trying to figure things out any more-you have kids now and need to think about them first and the impact all this is having on them. What would they say 10 yrs from now to you? All this is draining your energy and emotion and it will be hard to keep giving and giving and being tossed around. Think what is best for you and your kids. Sorry that's just my thought.

 

[Powder]

This is sad because it sounds like he is being self-destructive to cope and you are getting hurt in the process. He has not learned better coping skills. (Am I reading this right? I'm not sure.)

 

[Pencil]

My husband suffers from ptsd. I know of his suffering, he is for the most part very open with me about his struggles and I am and have always been extremely supportive. He has been having a very rough time lately because of his ptsd. He has been pushing me away

He has been talking to someone else. I found out who she is. I believe that their relationship is more than what he will admit to me. Last night I questioned him. He told me that he should be dead right now, that it was the plan but he can not do it. He said that he is not happy with me, that I should see other people and move on with my life and be happy.

I'm afraid you're trying to explain his behavior by blaming it on PTSD, while it doesn't seem to be related to PTSD. This is an error many supporters make. I'm sorry, but I think you need to take a more realistic look at your marriage.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

So do you think it's less hurtful to your children to see daddy doing whatever he wants with whomever he wants while mommy sits home with a broken heart? No, I don't think so.

I'm not sure why he does NOT deserve to be judged as he has in fact done this before? He is setting up a clear pattern of behavior but I'm not sure why you seem to want to just forget that he has done this very same thing before. It makes me think that it wasn't just a one time thing.

Regardless, this isn't PTSD. PTSD doesn't make someone cheat. He is actively seeking out other women to have relationships with. This isn't a case of "he was triggered and had an instantaneous reaction". Rather, he made the choice to befriend these women.

 

[Hashi]

He has said so many things and I have heard it once before. I can't understand this and how this could be true.

The only thing that seems reliable or consistent is what he does.

I feel that it is his ptsd pushing me.out of his life once again.

I think you need to stop looking at PTSD as the reason. As others have said, cheating is not a symptom of PTSD.

If you're willing to accept his behaviour, then you need to accept it as his. And you need to accept that it isn't going to be "treated" or "cured". If you accept him behaving this way, he will behave this way.

I can not live with myself if we hurt our children this way, by being apart.

Like @Solara, I have to question how beneficial it is for your children for their parents to be together like this. What are they going to learn about relationships and trust?

he wishes he could take the whole conversation back and go back to the way things were.

The way things where when? I thought everything was a lie. Was the lie a lie?
Completely lost.

And this keeps you and your emotions completely lost too. You have no firm footing and don't know what to believe or understand.

He has told me in the past that when he pushes me away... to basically hold on to him. That it isn't really him talking.

So he has a get-out-of-jail-free card for anything that happens.

I feel so helpless now and I am sure that he can read me like a book.

I think he can, I'm afraid, and I think he's manipulating you. You really don't deserve this. But in the middle of it all, with children and feelings for him, and being fed stuff about PTSD being the reason, it must be very difficult to have any other perspective.

Do you have a therapist you can talk to, or would you consider seeing one? I think you really need someone in real life who can help you find some stability of your own so that you can work through your feelings with support and guidance, consider all your options and think about what would be best for you and your children.

 

[cherryblossom]

@shadowscovertruth , I have moved this thread to the supporters section, because I think it might be more relevant for you to get advice from others supporters.