Pushing myself too hard to get better

[HealingInProcess]

Totally. So from one perfectionist to another-
I started therapy-I took an art class- the picture had to be perfect. I tried something different- the clay heron was amazing! From the perspective of a teacher- if it has a key ( answer key) I can mentally grade it.
Things like tasks must have a purpose, beginning, end, and s linear approach to solving or doing it is helpful.

So I was challenged in art to do some non realistic art. I took a two day art class- day 1 abstract art and day 2 surrealism. Abstract art turned the perfectionist inside out and sideways and I just sat and stared at the blank paper when told to draw an abstract piece. No rules for completion, no one right way, and there there is no right or wrong- no way to grade it mentally. I could do the surreal art- but I had no idea if I was doing it “right.” Taking that class taught me a real lesson about how strongly I need to get things right- but my art is changing-
Initially my drawings were super realistic. Now I’m into water colors and experimenting with a “looser style”-so as I let go of my life’s rigid rules, I am less up tight and learning the many more shades of gray that I didn’t see before. My T suggested art therapy and I think I’ll go.

Art therapy sounds fun.

 

[TruthSeeker]

I see art therapy as a way to express ideas and emotions- I don’t have the words for.
And I love art!

 

[SweetPainfulLoving]

My past partner is very artist. He would doodle but, mostly, he would paint. Beautiful ones too....but he always said he needed to feel a connection to the subject. Much was various 'scenes'/images/connections from his past traumas/work-related....some were related to me/relationships....and some others just grabbed him emotionally for different reasons. For him it helped fill his day, covered self-care and was a coping mechanism. I bought him dozens of canvases over the years.
When he was doing well and coping he would paint on a regular basis. When he stopped doodling and painting I knew there was a problem/issues arising. I guess for me the painting was like the canary in the mines...

 

[HealingInProcess]

My past partner is very artist. He would doodle but, mostly, he would paint. Beautiful ones too....but he always said he needed to feel a connection to the subject. Much was various 'scenes'/images/connections from his past traumas/work-related....some were related to me/relationships....and some others just grabbed him emotionally for different reasons. For him it helped fill his day, covered self-care and was a coping mechanism. I bought him dozens of canvases over the years.
When he was doing well and coping he would paint on a regular basis. When he stopped doodling and painting I knew there was a problem/issues arising. I guess for me the painting was like the canary in the mines...

I need to get back to doing this. I think some part of me just doesn't want to get better.

 

[SweetPainfulLoving]

I need to get back to doing this. I think some part of me just doesn't want to get better.

I hear that you feel that you are struggling, but please do not minimize or undersell yourself or the work that you are doing. Just reaching out to this site and this thread shows that you are doing what you can right now. That proves that you do want to get better.

PTSD is a monster. It isn’t something you can fight alone and there will be setbacks. My ex partner used to use the Japanese proverb “fall down 7 times get back up 8”. to describe it. There were times when it felt we weren’t just falling down but, rather, going over a cliff. And then there were better days. He once told me that he had a spectrum of feelings from anger to depression and he always fell somewhere along that spectrum.....there was no ‘happy’. That made me feel so sad....and inadequate that being with me and receiving all the love and support I had for him was not enough to change that. I always hoped he would get ‘better’ to the point where he could be ‘happy’. Maybe that was too simplistic and naive of me.
My T says that I have PTSD from my relationships with the narcissist and my CPTSD sufferer who is also a narcissist. I don’t disagree with her, but when I compare my symptoms and experiences to my ex they can seem worlds apart. I think, despite so many similarities between stories, there are just as many differences and what works for some won’t work for others. What seems easy for some (at the time) may seem impossible to others. And sometimes that will change on an hourly basis. It is such a difficult fight and sometimes you just get exhausted fighting it every single second of every single day.
Maybe that is when we question our willingness to continue the battle....our desire to get better.....but, really, every single second of every single day is a victory on its own.

 

[HealingInProcess]

I think one of the keys to dealing with PTSD is trying to be as present oriented as possible.

 

[Keming]

pushing hard can lead to regression / breaking. gut kick despair. this too shall pass.
icarus should have queried a materials engineer.