CuriousConfusion
New Here
Hi I had to deal with sexual abuse for 3 years or so, i'm not going into what happened at all and I know this is vague but hell no. Anyways I feel as though I did nothing to stop any of it and thus am pathetic, being male does not help the person was My older Brother, I'm not prosicuting him because i'm an intelectual and ascribe things like this down to Human nature and the society that we're in etc, I haven't forgiven him by any stretch of the imagination but I can't cling on to hate or a sense of injustice, therefore it's all becoming internalised onto me, I was able to tell the family only due to a fear response the guy was getting out of prison and returning and it had been eating at me for about a year, by this I mean the feeling of guilt and self loathing and fear, mainly fear, fear lead to action and explanation, very clumsily done. Once we established that this had indeed happened and that I wasn't crazy or delusional I did what i usually do, pushed all of this away and distracted myself on projects university etc.
A few years later and I found a woman, she now knows what's happened to me, after being friends with her for like 2 or so years we're in this online relationship thing because she's located in a different country, anyway she's had similar and creepily similar experiences to me, she's got depression and the only reason I had to explain any of this to her was because she was querying my emotional closed offness. Okay there's the facts done, she was told about a month or so ago now btw.
Now onto emotional state, for the past year or so however long ago I realized I had feelings for her it was like I gained a feeling of "You don't deserve any of this. She should have someone who's better emotional and who can express emotions." by expressing emotions I mean thus, I can laugh and be happy for a while in conversation I can have an awesome time with the friends I have, but right afterwards I feel nothing and if I think about it and don't distract myself there's a sort of self disgust and sadness. I can watch people that i'm close to be in pain due to grief, for example my Grandmothers son died and i'm close to her, he suicided and she contacted me after contacting his sister first, I felt emotion as she rang me not for me because we weren't all that close, but sadness for her, within about 5 to 10 seconds of this emotion I closed it off so completely that I was logical I was the one who had to deal with the police when they came round to sort out what had happened and I felt nothing. When I watched her crying in the subsiquent weeks and months I felt confused as to what to do, my emotions weren't engaged, after weeks of this I stayed to try offer assistance best I could I became run down exhausted and guilt and selfloathing along with headaches started for a few days, the inner dialog went "you went to that funeral and didn't cry, you felt nothing you were confused at their emotional state, you haven't helped her at all she's just telling you this to make you feel better, you're pathetic."
Any attachment I have to people I can switch off when needed, I have scrapped friends who i've known for years like that, no emotion no missing them nothing, just gone. I don't have flashbacks or nightmares but my emotional processing is obviously warped I think, and after I told the woman that i'm with about the whole brother thing I feel guilty because she still wishes to be with me and she shouldn't, this translates itself into stress and a feeling of failiure when logicly I had to have courage to tell anybody in the first place.
Also I can hurt someone emotionally watch them cry or be upset and feel absolutely nothing, logicly I know what my response should be and I can try to help them and sometimes I do, when they leave I feel the whole crushing feeling that I have manipulated them and that I felt nothing then and a wave of guilt and failiure and everything flows over me they don't last long because I push them all away.
I've been reading up obsessively on psychological symptems to see where I fit into, if I know what is actually wrong with me in some way it will help because I can figure out a solution, but I know that feeling as though your stomach is in knots having a migrane and overwhelming sadness and feeling of worthlessness isn't very good.
Oh also, another thing, after this whole thing stopped I seem to have setup some sort of obsession in perfection I'm not competative but in everything that I do if I do not become genius level I feel as though I have failed even though logicly I have gotten to a good standard, I focus obsessively on the activity and learn a lot in a short period of time, and then I realize after maybe a month or possibly years that I am terrible at this I have always been crap a this and that I can't do it, so I drop out of whatever it is and then feel increasingly more useless, it's now gotten to the point that i'm apathetic I don't care anymore about doing new activities or reading or understanding or doing anything because it all fails. I know this sounds whiney and very dramatic but this is the simplest way I could put the emotional state. If I don't in fact have PTSD because I only seem to fit one catagory then what do I do? Thanks.
A few years later and I found a woman, she now knows what's happened to me, after being friends with her for like 2 or so years we're in this online relationship thing because she's located in a different country, anyway she's had similar and creepily similar experiences to me, she's got depression and the only reason I had to explain any of this to her was because she was querying my emotional closed offness. Okay there's the facts done, she was told about a month or so ago now btw.
Now onto emotional state, for the past year or so however long ago I realized I had feelings for her it was like I gained a feeling of "You don't deserve any of this. She should have someone who's better emotional and who can express emotions." by expressing emotions I mean thus, I can laugh and be happy for a while in conversation I can have an awesome time with the friends I have, but right afterwards I feel nothing and if I think about it and don't distract myself there's a sort of self disgust and sadness. I can watch people that i'm close to be in pain due to grief, for example my Grandmothers son died and i'm close to her, he suicided and she contacted me after contacting his sister first, I felt emotion as she rang me not for me because we weren't all that close, but sadness for her, within about 5 to 10 seconds of this emotion I closed it off so completely that I was logical I was the one who had to deal with the police when they came round to sort out what had happened and I felt nothing. When I watched her crying in the subsiquent weeks and months I felt confused as to what to do, my emotions weren't engaged, after weeks of this I stayed to try offer assistance best I could I became run down exhausted and guilt and selfloathing along with headaches started for a few days, the inner dialog went "you went to that funeral and didn't cry, you felt nothing you were confused at their emotional state, you haven't helped her at all she's just telling you this to make you feel better, you're pathetic."
Any attachment I have to people I can switch off when needed, I have scrapped friends who i've known for years like that, no emotion no missing them nothing, just gone. I don't have flashbacks or nightmares but my emotional processing is obviously warped I think, and after I told the woman that i'm with about the whole brother thing I feel guilty because she still wishes to be with me and she shouldn't, this translates itself into stress and a feeling of failiure when logicly I had to have courage to tell anybody in the first place.
Also I can hurt someone emotionally watch them cry or be upset and feel absolutely nothing, logicly I know what my response should be and I can try to help them and sometimes I do, when they leave I feel the whole crushing feeling that I have manipulated them and that I felt nothing then and a wave of guilt and failiure and everything flows over me they don't last long because I push them all away.
I've been reading up obsessively on psychological symptems to see where I fit into, if I know what is actually wrong with me in some way it will help because I can figure out a solution, but I know that feeling as though your stomach is in knots having a migrane and overwhelming sadness and feeling of worthlessness isn't very good.
Oh also, another thing, after this whole thing stopped I seem to have setup some sort of obsession in perfection I'm not competative but in everything that I do if I do not become genius level I feel as though I have failed even though logicly I have gotten to a good standard, I focus obsessively on the activity and learn a lot in a short period of time, and then I realize after maybe a month or possibly years that I am terrible at this I have always been crap a this and that I can't do it, so I drop out of whatever it is and then feel increasingly more useless, it's now gotten to the point that i'm apathetic I don't care anymore about doing new activities or reading or understanding or doing anything because it all fails. I know this sounds whiney and very dramatic but this is the simplest way I could put the emotional state. If I don't in fact have PTSD because I only seem to fit one catagory then what do I do? Thanks.
