So, the last few years, I've been finding out more about the childhood trauma that happened to me ages 0 to 5.
Before that, I only consciously knew about the trauma that happened from ages 7 to 18.
I got re-traumatised 2016 and that brought up a lot of the really early childhood stuff, that I was previously (blissfully) unaware of.
A lot of it has to do with emotional neglect in infancy/ toddler years.
I was watching something on TV today that made me realise just how much impact it's had on me.
I've always been the avoidant-attachment disorder type - i.e. I'm very independent and get by, by myself.
I've always had friends and partners, so I've not really realised how far my attachment trauma/ disorder stuff goes.
But for most of my life, I chose friends and partners who also were avoidant-attachment types and we got along just FINE.
For me, friendships and partnerships have always been about mutual care and support, kindness, affection.
But I've always stayed wholly independent, knowing that any friendship or partnership is essentially finite and liable to fail.
Today, for the first time, it's really sunk in deeply, that I don't actually ENJOY spending time with other people.
I do it because I assume that's what I'm supposed to do.
And I treat people kindly and compassionately (unless they really piss me off) because obviously that's a better thing to do than to behave like an arsehole.
But deep down, I don't feel an emotional *need* or *want* to spend time with people.
I've always been happiest, spending time on my own.
When I was younger, I discussed a possible autism diagnosis with my Dr's and therapists, because of that...
I literally don't get why people "like" spending time with other people or how it can be a "need".
It's like that part of my brain got broken in infancy/ toddler age.
To me, friendships and relationships are a chore, but also have positive aspects. Mostly, the positive and negative aspects are more or less balanced, and that seems fine to me.
And I see the value in having friends.
I just think the part of my brain that actually enjoys it and thinks it's important is fundamentally broken.
So, I guess my question is - what do I do about this? How do I heal avoidant-attachment disorder so that I actually "want" to spend time with other people and can conceive of it as a potentially emotionally rewarding activity?
I don't have access to therapy atm, so that's not an option right now.
I don't know if anyone else can relate to this... It sounds kind of "extreme"... But then, in the past I wouldn't have really related to this either, even tho I was living exactly like this.
I thought that because my attachment-avoidant friends and attachment-avoidant partners all had similar needs and wishes about friendships and relationships to me, that we were all doing pretty much fine...
Before that, I only consciously knew about the trauma that happened from ages 7 to 18.
I got re-traumatised 2016 and that brought up a lot of the really early childhood stuff, that I was previously (blissfully) unaware of.
A lot of it has to do with emotional neglect in infancy/ toddler years.
I was watching something on TV today that made me realise just how much impact it's had on me.
I've always been the avoidant-attachment disorder type - i.e. I'm very independent and get by, by myself.
I've always had friends and partners, so I've not really realised how far my attachment trauma/ disorder stuff goes.
But for most of my life, I chose friends and partners who also were avoidant-attachment types and we got along just FINE.
For me, friendships and partnerships have always been about mutual care and support, kindness, affection.
But I've always stayed wholly independent, knowing that any friendship or partnership is essentially finite and liable to fail.
Today, for the first time, it's really sunk in deeply, that I don't actually ENJOY spending time with other people.
I do it because I assume that's what I'm supposed to do.
And I treat people kindly and compassionately (unless they really piss me off) because obviously that's a better thing to do than to behave like an arsehole.
But deep down, I don't feel an emotional *need* or *want* to spend time with people.
I've always been happiest, spending time on my own.
When I was younger, I discussed a possible autism diagnosis with my Dr's and therapists, because of that...
I literally don't get why people "like" spending time with other people or how it can be a "need".
It's like that part of my brain got broken in infancy/ toddler age.
To me, friendships and relationships are a chore, but also have positive aspects. Mostly, the positive and negative aspects are more or less balanced, and that seems fine to me.
And I see the value in having friends.
I just think the part of my brain that actually enjoys it and thinks it's important is fundamentally broken.
So, I guess my question is - what do I do about this? How do I heal avoidant-attachment disorder so that I actually "want" to spend time with other people and can conceive of it as a potentially emotionally rewarding activity?
I don't have access to therapy atm, so that's not an option right now.
I don't know if anyone else can relate to this... It sounds kind of "extreme"... But then, in the past I wouldn't have really related to this either, even tho I was living exactly like this.
I thought that because my attachment-avoidant friends and attachment-avoidant partners all had similar needs and wishes about friendships and relationships to me, that we were all doing pretty much fine...