Question About Dissociaton

[justtrying]

HI everyone.....cannot and don't want to consciously remember a really bad memory from years ago. The only time I have any idea what's going on is when I write stuff down when (I think?) I'm dissociating, then I look at what I wrote and there is some stuff that makes sense. I also do with my T but cant remember what I say...she had to repeat back to me whats said. Is this normal?? What's going on with me? If I can only recall the memory when blanking out is that better than nothing? thx

 

[Go Hungry]

Yes, I would say it's better than nothing. And the way you adapted to it, by writing it down when you're in the middle of it so you can read it later. That's really good too. It shows that your splits are trying to communicate with you. I've had the same thing happen sometimes. I try and remember to come on here and post in my diary so I read later and get a better understanding of what my splits feel. It's scary sometimes, really scary. But I'm glad I do it so I can see what's up. Now if I could just keep myself from erasing half of what I write when I'm like that. :p

 

[justtrying]

How do you mean "my splits"? Do you mean the girl I was back then when the abuse occurred? Should I ask my T to try to bring me to the present moment during therapy, or just allow myself while she's there to dissociate, then have her tell me what I said? This is definitely *scary*

 

[greenleaf]

I agree it's scary! On the positive side, our minds are doing a great job of protecting us from stuff we're still having a lot of trouble integrating.

I don't totally blank out, but I do have sort of internal pockets of feeling that I can feel but not verbalize at all, even when I'm sitting talking fluently to my T. Yet both the verbal part and the feeling pocket are "me".

An analogy that felt right to me is: hold your arms our in front of you, and try to have your fingers meet... only whatever you do, your right and left hands go by each other and you can't get them to meet...

Good thing I watched a lot of Twilight Zone episodes as a kid... :alien:

I guess I should also mention that I don't have a lot of memories at all for elementary school, esp. emotional memories. However I don't think I want to deal with that stuff until my life is a little more stable, if I can avoid it...

 

[Go Hungry]

Sorry.. 'splits' is my word for my multiple personas.. It guess it is kinda creepy sounding. :bag:. I would say that you should do whatever is comfortable for you during therapy. My... Others (I'll start using that now) come out sometimes and when they do I just try and let them do their thing. I can no longer deny their reality, and it never helped me or them anyway.

It can be scary as hell. Sometimes I really get worried that they'll say something terrible, or do something that gets me sent away. But it doesn't happen. Your therapist will know what to do and how to engage them. It's okay to let go if you want to. It's also okay to wait if you feel like you aren't ready now. :hug:

 

[Sammyiam]

Hi Justtrying,

I have the same thing going on, I see my psychologist, once a week and I remember hardly anything, she is great and emails me the notes every week so I can read them otherwise she says to me you will remember nothing. Maybe you could ask your T if they could do the same ?

I turn into other parts of me every week that I go and can only remember little bits, it really feels very scary and I struggle to work out what is really happening. I actually have no idea if I'm being really honest.

So yes I think you are very normal in the PTSD world, like the rest of us.

Take care.

 

[justtrying]

these are great ideas....I will definitely talk more with my T. Why do "the others" come out? Why can't I just remember the memories without going into a child -like mode? will that ever go away? Thanks so much for the feedback....oh and one more question: what's the best thing my T can do when the "other" comes out?

 

[Sammyiam]

If you find out please tell me to :D

 

[Go Hungry]

The Why's are a difficult topic to get into to. There are a multitude of reasons why; honestly I think there are as many reasons as there need to be. I would guess that it's because they have something to say.

Mine want to be understood I think. For a long time I thought that all they (the two of them that I know about) wanted to do was just rage incessantly. But as time has gone by I've started to find out more about them, that they are deeper than I thought they were. They have their own reasons for their behaviour, some of which I'm just starting to find out. Largely because I journal all the time on this site. Having that trauma diary really helps.

As for your therapist? They'll already know what to do, as they've been trained for it. Don't worry about it. Just do what you feel comfortable with and let it slide. Really it's just awesome that you're trying to face it at all.. So many folks will do anything to avoid understanding their troubles. Good going. :)

 

[justtrying]

Thank you - these are great replies :)