Question For Sufferers About Relationships

[Pixie]

I have been wondering for a long time about information sharing (regarding specific trauma info) in the carer/sufferer relationship.

Okay, so here are the questions:

How much information about your trauma would you be willing to share with your carer to get better support and understanding and,

Do you think that perhaps sharing that information would ruin or destroy your relationship?

Pixie

 

[cragger65]

Hey Pixie,

I think that depends to a large degree on how much you think you're carer can handle. I struggle with this with my T. I've told her things that I thought I needed to, only to discover that it only made me feel worse for having said "too much". Conversely, I've gotten unexpected support on other issues from people who I thought for sure would reject me. Which brings up the second half of the equation, how much you are comfortable with them knowing about you.

Feeling your way through it, taking small chances at a time, keeping step in a way you can feel safe are all part of the process. Knowing there are others in the same process is a huge comfort, and I hope you get some more useful responses than mine. Just know you're not alone in that.

Wishing you well,
Dave

 

[Pixie]

Thanks Dave. I guess my main reason for asking is that my hubby (carer) has told me in no uncertain terms that he does not want to know details. His reason is that he thinks that if he knew, our 10+ year marriage wouldn't survive...

I just didn't know if this is a "normal" response or not.

I'm not overly distressed at him not knowing details. He knows enough to have some basic idea of what I've been through. Plus, I do feel safer keeping it inside, but it would help me a lot if he could fully understand the things that trigger me (like touching me in certain places etc), as he continues to do it despite having asked him not too and that it triggers me.

Pixie

 

[Mina]

That's a really good question. Hmmmmm.

I agree with Dave that a good starting point to gauge it is how much do you think your carer can handle. That said, I think the nature of the trauma plays a huge role in that.

For example, my "PTSD-inducing trauma" (not sure quite how to put that) was a severe bite from my husband's Akita. I tend to be vague about the dogbite unless I have to in order to get a point across, because it was my husband's dog and the whole situation is very emotionally charged for him. I know he feels bad/guilty/responsible when I talk about it, so I try to avoid being detailed.

However, when it comes to a lot of my childhood psychological/emotional trauma, I will discuss it with him because he's really good at seeing it in a way I don't...almost like a therapist. He's helped me explain a lot of my own responses and put them into proper perspective. It also has helped him gain perspective in understanding my behavior and the way I think.

Another good question to ask might be, "What is the potential backlash/consequence of talking about this with my partner?" In my case, my husband will no longer allow either of my parents at our house, and wants nothing to do with them. I'm good with that, but some people might not be. Personally, I would not be comfortable sharing details of sexual abuse with my DH (don't remember anyway). To me, that has the potential to cast me in a light I wouldn't want to be in with him.

I do think some information could ruin or destroy a relationship if it causes the carer to perceive the sufferer in a way that would negatively impact the relationship. For example, if the trauma would be what your carer sees when they look at you, things could go downhill very rapidly. Again, that goes back to what Cragger said about how much can your carer handle.

Sorry, I'm not explaining myself very well tonight. :crazy:

 

[Mina]

Plus, I do feel safer keeping it inside, but it would help me a lot if he could fully understand the things that trigger me (like touching me in certain places etc), as he continues to do it despite having asked him not too and that it triggers me.

Wow. Not knowing any more than you've written here, him persisting in that behavior is really unreasonable and wrong. :naughty: What is your usual response to him when he does it? (and might I suggest a knee to the jewels?)

Maybe you've already done this, but... You might consider talking with him sometime when you are not actually in a situation where he's touched you in a way you don't like - at a "neutral" time. Tell him that you have bad memories associated with receiving that kind of touch...and unless he wants to know exactly what they are, he's better off just taking your word for it and trusting you that it doesn't feel good. Kind of an ultimatum, but hey...if he doesn't want to know, he shouldn't go there.

 

[BlankCanvas]

Hey Pixie,

I think most of this boils down to what your comfort level is and what kind of support you want from your partner. I have an ex who did not want to hear any of the 'details' of my experiences and that really bothered me. It's understandable that 'details' might be the boundary for your partner. But that goes both ways, you have obviously set your own physical boundaries, about where he touches you, and he needs to respect that -- with or without explanation from you. Wish you all the best in this

 

[Pixie]

Sorry, I'm not explaining myself very well tonight. :crazy:

I get like that all the time so no worries... I understood you perfectly. :thumbs-up

The thing is that I have told him that it triggers me and that it is related to some of what I went through but for some reason he can't seem to remember that... or he doesn't want too.

Unable to push him away in those instances, I usually just hide how I feel at the time and just fall apart when finally I am alone. I don't think he does it out of malice or anything, just that he is either "forgetting" or simply doesn't see how what he does could be taken any other way than a loving and intimate gesture. :doh:

Pixie

 

[Onefineday]

What is a carer? I don't have one obviously as I live all alone, but is it a partner or someone who CARES for you or what? Sorry if that's a dumb question, I've just woke up and I can't function this early (2:30pm).

 

[Spacechic]

A carer is someone who cares for you. This may be your immediate partner. However it also refers to the perosn who looks after you because you are incapacitated for whatever reason. And so because it may not be your partner but someone else it is referred to as your carer.An example say grandma cant look after herself an dyou move in to help her you may be referred to as her carer.

Not a silly question.

 

[Nicky31]

Hi Pixie

Another great thread!:clap:

The nature of my PTSD cause has been fine to discuss with my partner who is my carer/main source of support. However the trauma then stirred up a load of other stuff which I had to also deal with.

Sometimes it's been difficult for me to deal with, let alone share it, but I have known that for me to recover I have to share that stuff too. This has meant being open and honest about everything and resulted in my boyfriend understanding and spotting triggers, knowing when to give me a hug or space and just having a greater awareness of where I'm at.

I'm not saying it's been easy. It really hasn't. I've been hanging on by the whites of my nails, but we're fighting it together

 

[Manic11]

Pixie,

Definitely good questions... In my opinion it depends on a couple different things. How do you think your carer will handle it? Do you think they will understand, get scared by it, etc.
Also, most importantly, are you ready to tell him the details. Yes, I noticed you said you have been married for 10+ years so I'm assuming you are saying "Shouldn't I be ready to tell him if I have been with him for that long?". Well no. If you don't want to tell him about the details then that's okay. Maybe one day you will, maybe you never will.
However, I completely agree with Mina. If you have told him your triggers and he still proceeds to trigger you then there's an issue there. If my carer did that, I doubt very much I would go into detail about anything. That's breaking trust!
If I had a carer, I would tell the things I wanted to and keep the other things I wanted silent. Just because someone is a carer doesn't mean they need to know every detail. They need to be there to support you, love you and walk this difficult journey with you.
I hope this helps...

Manic

 

[NarcSis]

You have a really good question and I can see how this would really bother you.

Again, my situtation is a little different because the trauma that I experienced is something that my husband can totally understand...we are both paramedics, minutes after the traumatic call I sought him out, I wanted to talk it out, but i couldn't and I essentially ran crying hysterically into the back of my ambulance and locked the doors so no one could see me. I did tell him every detail when I was able to see him again (ha, ha, repeatedly told him this story, over and over and over for the next few days! Ha, ha, I was in such shock!).

We have a certain relationship where we try to be non-judging of each other and we try to keep no secrets but this is an agreement that we have. I discussed an issue with him once where I described an incident that occurred when i was 10, it came the closest to a sexual assault that I have ever been in in my life and I was so naive at the time. It angered him so much that I got scared. I asked him why he was so mad and he said that he couldn't accept that he wasn't there to protect me and that if anything like that ever happened to me again, so help him he would probably not stop until the guy was dead.

I think most guys want to see the You that they know, they don't want to have to look at you and see your trauma first. It is a hard thing for a caring man to know why you are damaged and sometimes its even hard for them to know why they don't want to know.

Maybe talk to him about the 'why' and leave the issue to the side. Sometimes its more important for us to just have an understanding.

Hugs.