@Unaware I haven't read that particular book, so you'd have to give more information on what exactly you're trying to address with her. And it will be different for everyone. There was a time when I couldn't read through a list of common manifestations of childhood sexual abuse later in life without curling up in a little ball and crying because I felt so worthless. Worthless because that was me, and seeing it on paper made it more real and easier to judge, but also because it made me feel I'd become exactly what my abusers wanted to make me. And I didn't have the shame of decades of secrecy compounding all of that.
Just my opinion: I'm not a mental health professional. But as far as I'm aware, neither are you. Don't try to be one to her. If she's been in denial for this long she's likely to blame herself for everything and take everything as a personal attack. I don't know the details of her situation. She may or may not be ready (now or ever) to give you those details. But it's not rational either. I am the sort of person who apologizes profusely when others run into me, partially because I was conditioned to know that not only was everything from the weather to how my abusers' day at work went was my fault but that I would be beaten for it being my fault. I still have trouble with people explaining to me that something I do (which is more obviously my fault, right?) isn't acceptable to them. It's very threatening to begin with. Then, if I don't like the behavior anyway but can't seem to get it under control, it's shameful and frustrating to boot.
I guess what I feel most reading through this thread is this: everyone experiences this disorder differently based on why they have it, who they are, and where they're at with healing. And then you're going to get a spectrum based on how everything else in life is going, and what's happening in their head that minute. But if all indications are that she's not ready to speak with you about the details of her situation or with the specifics of how this has effected her; or if she's not okay with having her behaviors pointed out to her, you have to try your best to honor that. That's not to say that you can't set your boundaries, or that if there are things you think she's unaware of and needs to know you can't address them. But there's a lot to be said for limiting those conversations, since they apparently are making her feel threatened. And you're going to need to figure out ways to heal that aren't dependent on her being ready to do X or talk about Y. That's about her healing, not you. You can't do that work for her or drag her along on your path, that pretty much always backfires particularly since a lot of adult survivors are very good at flipping the switch once pushed hard enough and start trying to outwardly meet expectations.
Just as an example, I was really struggling toward the end of my last relationship for a number of reasons, but part of it was that my then BF didn't understand why I wasn't getting better. It was causing so many fights and I just couldn't handle it. So I 'fixed' it and showed him what he seemed to want, while effectively shutting him out. I had a friend over and was talking to her because I was in crisis one evening. I hadn't really cried in months, and I was sobbing hysterically, had had a couple flashbacks that evening, and she was basically babysitting me so I didn't kill myself. He got off of work in the middle of an outburst where I was curled up on the couch sobbing and trying incoherently to talk to her. I saw his ID on the phone and without an active effort everything about where my head was at shifted to a fake smile, calm demeanor and I sweetly answered the phone, asked when he would be home, and even laughed at one of his jokes. When I got off the phone my friend was looking at me in complete horror. I think it's the first time she realized how deep the old conditioning runs.
Long post. All of that, really, to say that survivors get very good at hiding this disorder particularly those who have kept secrecy around the abuse for a long time. So pointing out her symptoms may very well feel extremely threatening to her and forcing the issue may have the opposite effect. A lot of us have believed ourselves broken and unable to be healed. So the natural response isn't as likely to be "Wow, I really need to get better" as "Wow, I haven't been hiding any of this well enough: I need to put up more walls".
