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Question From Spouse
- Post starter Unaware
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@Unaware Sorry. I do that. I think anyone who's seen me floating around on here knows I'm a bit blunt and VERY long winded. :) No harm meant, I assure. I try to be as helpful as I can and I strive to be nice and but part of being nice to me is not painting everything rose colored for someone. I'm also really open about my past and try to use examples from it when I can because I feel anecdotal evidence, while obviously imperfect, is better than vague statements.
- Post starter
- #39
@Kefira I meant that in a positive way! You have no idea how much those comments speak to me at so many different levels. I am overwhelmed with how fully you disclose to help someone who is struggling with understanding. If only everyone would be so open the world would be a much better place.
MorningDove
Bronze Member
"
I am really glad you posed this Kefira. I have a crush on a guy with pretty bad PTSD and have been needing to set a boundary with him over some things he says to me that make me panicky. I have been holding back for fear of..? I am normally very good at such things and goodness knows he sets his boundaries! It's tough. Especially since there are so many nuances to communication.
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katz
Platinum Member
As I have been reading this thread, I feel sooo much better. Thanks to everyone for letting me know that I'm not alone. I have 5 "demons" that are all from childhood, some family, some strangers. My husband himself came from an alcoholic family, so I thought he could handle it. We dated, then moved in together, then eventually married. We had been happy till about a year ago. My memories started coming back--in full force. He considers them "my problem" not his. He is also very angry with me because I'm not the same woman that he married. I have been reminding him that we married "for better or for worse". (He has back problems, and even missed work for almost a year while I supported us) Now, he is bitter and angry at me because he didn't know what he was getting into when he married me. My memories come and go-and always have. Over the years, each time they come to the surface, I remember more, so I can process it. I am old enough now to know that they will not be forgotten again. I'm 51)
No matter what I tell him, he refuses to help/support me. Instead he puts me down and I feel worse. I feel like I have let him down as a wife. I don't know if I will ever be able to satisfy him in bed. (It is just too physically painful).All he does is tell me that it is "me", and not him. Then gets up and storms out of the bedroom. I want to try and fix this, but I need him to help me. I want so much to be helped and supported. I have always been dealing with these demons on my own. I told my family once. Every one got angry and yelled, and blamed me for causing the trouble.
I thought that I had found someone to be "on my side". Instead, I have someone who doesn't want to help, or understand. I send him articles for partners, but he is not very computer savvy, so he won't google it or try to learn how to be part of it. I can't even get him to quit talking loudly, or quit using the F** word. Is this too much to ask?? (I was officially diagnosed with PTSD a while back.) He says things that hurt me and apologizes later. Then does it again.
I know that I can be very hard on myself--without his help. But, I'm running out of hope. I don't know if he will ever want to be part of this life with me.
He went to therapy with me a couple of times, but still considers it "my" problem. So he sits back and waits. He thinks that I will "fix" this and then we can go on with life. I do love him, but I have to love myself first. He is making it very hard for me to do that. I even put on my "mask" when we go to family functions.(My Dad is one of my "demons", and still alive)
Is it too much to want a supportive partner? I feel so alone. I know that long ago I realized that I would be alone (inside) forever. Now, I just have confirmation of that. I know that I will never consider suicide, but I do know that I'm waiting for the end. I just want to be at peace.
I really don't know what will happen when the end comes...I found a letter to "God" that I wrote when I was very young. I asked him why he was letting my "daddy" hurt me like this. I asked Him this because "Jesus loves kids". This letter also confirmed for me that it happened, since everyone convinced me that I just created it to "get attention". This letter is a little girl screaming for help! She wants to be loved--unconditionally, not with strings attached, and not because of what she can do for the "hims" of the world.. She wants to be accepted and believed for just being her.
No matter what I tell him, he refuses to help/support me. Instead he puts me down and I feel worse. I feel like I have let him down as a wife. I don't know if I will ever be able to satisfy him in bed. (It is just too physically painful).All he does is tell me that it is "me", and not him. Then gets up and storms out of the bedroom. I want to try and fix this, but I need him to help me. I want so much to be helped and supported. I have always been dealing with these demons on my own. I told my family once. Every one got angry and yelled, and blamed me for causing the trouble.
I thought that I had found someone to be "on my side". Instead, I have someone who doesn't want to help, or understand. I send him articles for partners, but he is not very computer savvy, so he won't google it or try to learn how to be part of it. I can't even get him to quit talking loudly, or quit using the F** word. Is this too much to ask?? (I was officially diagnosed with PTSD a while back.) He says things that hurt me and apologizes later. Then does it again.
I know that I can be very hard on myself--without his help. But, I'm running out of hope. I don't know if he will ever want to be part of this life with me.
He went to therapy with me a couple of times, but still considers it "my" problem. So he sits back and waits. He thinks that I will "fix" this and then we can go on with life. I do love him, but I have to love myself first. He is making it very hard for me to do that. I even put on my "mask" when we go to family functions.(My Dad is one of my "demons", and still alive)
Is it too much to want a supportive partner? I feel so alone. I know that long ago I realized that I would be alone (inside) forever. Now, I just have confirmation of that. I know that I will never consider suicide, but I do know that I'm waiting for the end. I just want to be at peace.
I really don't know what will happen when the end comes...I found a letter to "God" that I wrote when I was very young. I asked him why he was letting my "daddy" hurt me like this. I asked Him this because "Jesus loves kids". This letter also confirmed for me that it happened, since everyone convinced me that I just created it to "get attention". This letter is a little girl screaming for help! She wants to be loved--unconditionally, not with strings attached, and not because of what she can do for the "hims" of the world.. She wants to be accepted and believed for just being her.
- Post starter
- #42
Katz,
I have not posted anything since my last entry in 2014.
My wife and I have worked very hard together and with a therapist to help both of us to understand ourselves individually and together. We love each other and despite the baggage we both have, we are dedicated to finding the peace and unconditional love that we both want with each other.
It has been a struggle. It has been very hard. From my side it has been me honestly looking at myself and understanding all of the things about myself that I have avoided dealing with all my life. In the beginning I focused on her. It was her fault. It was all about why would she keep from me all of her demons. I felt unloved and terribly undone. I felt alone in the world and so very hurt that she would keep so much from me for so many years. In the beginning I saw it all as her fault.
What I have learned is that maybe I did not do everything I could have to help her open up. She may have CPTSD but she has loved me and has stood beside me our entire marriage. I have learned to see her, our relationship and our pasts very differently. Mainly what I have learned is that I needed to start by looking at myself.
We celebrated 29 years of marriage a few months ago. We have mainly good days now with a few bad days once in a while. We are finding out how to communicate about EVERYTHING including the feelings that she and I has avoided all our lives. I am learning how to really listen and how to help her by understanding how to be a supporting loving husband who does not respond based on his own issues he has been dragging along his whole life.
Relationships are hard. They are harder when you hide from yourself. I can honestly say that by understanding myself(thanks to our therapist) I am becoming a better person, a more loving husband, and most importantly a better human being. I now understand that all of that is possible because of her.
I have not posted anything since my last entry in 2014.
My wife and I have worked very hard together and with a therapist to help both of us to understand ourselves individually and together. We love each other and despite the baggage we both have, we are dedicated to finding the peace and unconditional love that we both want with each other.
It has been a struggle. It has been very hard. From my side it has been me honestly looking at myself and understanding all of the things about myself that I have avoided dealing with all my life. In the beginning I focused on her. It was her fault. It was all about why would she keep from me all of her demons. I felt unloved and terribly undone. I felt alone in the world and so very hurt that she would keep so much from me for so many years. In the beginning I saw it all as her fault.
What I have learned is that maybe I did not do everything I could have to help her open up. She may have CPTSD but she has loved me and has stood beside me our entire marriage. I have learned to see her, our relationship and our pasts very differently. Mainly what I have learned is that I needed to start by looking at myself.
We celebrated 29 years of marriage a few months ago. We have mainly good days now with a few bad days once in a while. We are finding out how to communicate about EVERYTHING including the feelings that she and I has avoided all our lives. I am learning how to really listen and how to help her by understanding how to be a supporting loving husband who does not respond based on his own issues he has been dragging along his whole life.
Relationships are hard. They are harder when you hide from yourself. I can honestly say that by understanding myself(thanks to our therapist) I am becoming a better person, a more loving husband, and most importantly a better human being. I now understand that all of that is possible because of her.
- Post starter
- #43
Met with my therapist this weekend alone. She asked me one key question. What is it i want from my wife that she is not giving me? She asked me to think about that and to see if there is anything I am not getting in our relationship that I need.
The answer is that there is nothing. I am getting all the love, support and compassion that I have always wanted but did not receive before. Its not perfect, but people are not perfect. I have realized that our relationship has moved on even with C-PTSD in our life.
Now that I am aware of it I have learned how best to communicate with her in a way that helps her to understand and respond. I know that I have developed a level of compassion about what she has been through that I did not have before. Most importantly I feel so different about how much she has tried in our marriage to be a great wife and partner. In her own way she has been amazing.
The answer is that there is nothing. I am getting all the love, support and compassion that I have always wanted but did not receive before. Its not perfect, but people are not perfect. I have realized that our relationship has moved on even with C-PTSD in our life.
Now that I am aware of it I have learned how best to communicate with her in a way that helps her to understand and respond. I know that I have developed a level of compassion about what she has been through that I did not have before. Most importantly I feel so different about how much she has tried in our marriage to be a great wife and partner. In her own way she has been amazing.
- Post starter
- #44
Hi everyone. Not sure why but I felt it was time to recap the last year or so.
Lots of ups and downs. Lots of feelings coming out. Lots of great times, lots of not so great times, and just normal life.
I am not sure I completely understand everything that the CPTSD has done to our relationship, and to me in particular. There is one thing I wanted to share.
When you love someone who has a disorder, what ever type it may be it is VERY hard to process that the behavior, the hurt, the drama is not in any way shape or form about you. You are simply there.
My wife had no self esteem. She hated herself and had been fighting and hurting herself well before me. When we met and fell in love I had no clue she felt this way about herself. She would pick at me and abuse me emotionally over the years and I never understood it. It hurt to much to understand. I ran from it emotionally until I could not run anymore. Since she had hid everything from me I had no frame of reference and thought I was going mad.
What I have come to understand is that the disordered hurt themselves by hurting the ones they love and need. It is their way of insuring that they remain in pain and unhappy. It was never me she was trying to hurt, it was always her pushing away someone who loved and cared for her because that is what she had always done. She hated that part of herself so much, she was just to ashamed to reveal it to me. She kept me away from it by hurting me to stop me in my tracks. It worked.
I am not sure why but this makes me feel so much better to say it out loud. Maybe I am not facing reality again, but understanding this has really helped me. It may seem apparent to whom ever is reading this but it has taken me a long time to really understand this with my heart, not my head. Hope this helps someone out there.......
Lots of ups and downs. Lots of feelings coming out. Lots of great times, lots of not so great times, and just normal life.
I am not sure I completely understand everything that the CPTSD has done to our relationship, and to me in particular. There is one thing I wanted to share.
When you love someone who has a disorder, what ever type it may be it is VERY hard to process that the behavior, the hurt, the drama is not in any way shape or form about you. You are simply there.
My wife had no self esteem. She hated herself and had been fighting and hurting herself well before me. When we met and fell in love I had no clue she felt this way about herself. She would pick at me and abuse me emotionally over the years and I never understood it. It hurt to much to understand. I ran from it emotionally until I could not run anymore. Since she had hid everything from me I had no frame of reference and thought I was going mad.
What I have come to understand is that the disordered hurt themselves by hurting the ones they love and need. It is their way of insuring that they remain in pain and unhappy. It was never me she was trying to hurt, it was always her pushing away someone who loved and cared for her because that is what she had always done. She hated that part of herself so much, she was just to ashamed to reveal it to me. She kept me away from it by hurting me to stop me in my tracks. It worked.
I am not sure why but this makes me feel so much better to say it out loud. Maybe I am not facing reality again, but understanding this has really helped me. It may seem apparent to whom ever is reading this but it has taken me a long time to really understand this with my heart, not my head. Hope this helps someone out there.......
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