Questionable character

[The Albatross]

I was disturbed enough by my mother and what she was modeling for the two boys she was doing after school care for (and who also had about 5 mental/behavioral labels between them) to intervene this summer by taking them all on outings... so I get it. And I had all sorts of insecure inner critic thoughts and feelings but I did it anyway and by example, my mother eased up on some of her micromanaging and tightened up on things like appropriate nutrition and hydration and limiting the time in front of the television or video gaming... replacing it with board games and stuff.

Never having been a parent nor inclined to want to be one... the boys didn't care about that. They "loved me" they decided because awkward as it was... they saw my intent I guess.

Maybe do a little digging on parenting class stuff or articles on parenting a special needs child? Bring yourself up to speed intellectually if you can't do so emotionally and "fake it til ya make it" (old recovery phrase). Kids know more than they get credit for and are very intuitive about "intent".

 

[shimmerz]

I feel a sense of urgency in regards to "growing" into the role. After all he won't wait to grow up while I get my ducks in a row. He will grow up with or without me. Adaptation is gonna have to hurry. Here I am stuck in my own head while his world has been turned and flipped.

He knows that you love him. Love heals so much. Just knowing. My grandfather just LOVED me. He was in my life for 7 years only. But there was no question in my mind that he just loved me. That got me through decades of hardships. I was loved for just being me. Nobody else had ever done that for me. Ever.

It wasn't about what he 'did' or how efficient he was. It was about the way he looked at me. How he wanted to be around me. The sparkle in his eye because we were in each other's presence.

I think the ideas above are terrific to help you ramp up, and would include watching your grandparents and learning from the positive (perhaps emulating) and learning from the negative (perhaps avoiding). I don't get the sense that you are strictly in your own head, or you wouldnt' be posting about this.

 

[shimmerz]

His emotions flow. Other times, it doesn't seem to phase him. They pass quickly regardless.

Healthy. That's great really.

But did we not think our childhoods were normal?

Happy and normal are two different things. I don't care if he is normal. What matters is if he is happy.

When does it become no longer acceptable?

Well, it is what it is with her. If it is a physical problem then nothing you can do to change that. However.....
If he is aware of the problems she is having (no need to label but instead say perhaps that older people at times have problems regulating their moods properly - which may actually help him if HE ever has a problem with regulating HIS moods along the way), but that you treat her with care and compassion anyway. Walk away if she goes off (or whatever safety you can put into place). Let him know that he has the option to not be involved. Speak to your grandmother and let her know you will not allow him to be involved in randomness.

And he is getting emotional support. Beautiful!

Yes, questions well answered thank you. Not sure if my thoughts in return are of any value (as there is so much to family dynamics), but it seems to me that you are wise beyond your years Jane.

In all honesty, I would have killed for a sister like you.

 

[PlainJane]

I suppose I don't know. I'd really like to say I am doing my best, but I just don't think I can accurately. Such is life. But apparently, with what I have supplied to you, my view is distorted. I read it, but I don't believe it as of yet. So something to work on.

These are practical suggestions that I have full intent of applying. So thank you. Speaking of all responses in general.

f you all CAN talk about this, it seems like it would help.

Speak to your grandmother and let her know you will not allow him to be involved in randomne

How does the group propose I go about this?



Again all of your responses and your time is appreciated. As well as your support. Thank you. Hope I can do the same in return one of these days.

 

[shimmerz]

I would say catch your grandmother (lightly) in the heat of the moment (like, grandma, we need to talk about this later). From what you have said, any serious conversation at that moment in time may be lost in the translation.

Then, when your grandmother is in a 'better mood' (more reasonable), tell her that if she goes crazy on your brother again, you will excuse him .... and you deal with it instead of him. Again, a suggestion because I don't truly know how this stuff goes down in the house.

Your brother I would just let know that grandma is a great person so many times, but she gets moody. Point out the moods as you see them.... and excuse him from the house disruption at the time it occurs.

Just thinking out loud.

Hope I can do the same in return one of these days.

You already have, you already do. :hug:

 

[scout86]

How does the group propose I go about this?

"Very carefully"?

I'm going to suggest another thought first. I might be projecting something I do on to you and I might be wrong. My relationship with my mom was.....let's say "not particularly good". I was sure she hated me and sometimes she probably did. Mostly I was probably just in the way when I didn't manage to be invisible. Sometimes, when I hear harsh words spoken, or other things that land a bit close to home, I respond, inside, like I'm still a little kid and it's "Mother" yelling at me. Even when it's an entirely different situation. I tend to take that and run with it and draw a lot of inaccurate conclusions. But sometimes I'm right too. (It's more often I'm wrong.) Now that I know I do that, I make an effort to do a reality check, when I notice it or suspect it. Sometimes that actually works.

Anyway, not having experienced what's going on with Grandma, I can see where you might be reading the situation totally accurately. I can also see where you, and the rest of us here, might have a tendency to jump to "good guy/bad guy" conclusions that are based more on other times and other situations than they are on the present. What I'm throwing out as a possibility, I guess, is that maybe it's not as bad as it seems. That's the first thing.

But, I remember you said your grandfather was concerned about her behavior too. HE probably isn't responding from a history of trauma and abuse, so his filter might be pretty trustworthy.

Which brings up another thought. What if you talk it through with Grandpa first?

Beyond that...... One of my favorite of my T's many sayings is "If you get the energy right, the rest will fall in to place." He also says we should act from love not fear. That's the energy. When trying to find my way through a complicated situation like this one, I tend to get lost. To avoid that, I make note of a few important points. Like 1) I love both of these people and they love me. (assuming that's true) 2) Everyone deserves to feel needed and valued in the end. 3) Everyone is doing the best they know how. If you can approach it from a place of "there are no bad guys here", I think it's good. And then, I tend to ask a lot of questions. People want to feel heard, so you being willing to hear them helps the energy. Also, lots of times I learn something. My T says to avoid questions that start with the word "Why" in these situations. It usually comes off sounding like an accusation. So, rather than "Grandma, why do you yell at Brother like that?" "Grandma, have you ever thought about how being yelled at makes brother feel? What kind of response are you looking to get with the yelling?"

But, I'm not speaking to my brother these days, so I might not be the best person to ask! :bag:

 

[PlainJane]

"Very carefully"?

lol, good call.

I tend to take that and run with it and draw a lot of inaccurate conclusions. But sometimes I'm right too.

and...

I guess, is that maybe it's not as bad as it seems.

I have noticed this in myself and can say I have made improvement. I can stop being so defensive about things and let it fly a bit more than in previous moments. Brother at times when he is simply corrected or reminded of something(doesn't matter by who) he seems to what I would consider overact. I forgot about it. I have implemented the tactic of "stop, breath, think, react." which has helped both of us, I think. Jumping to conclusions as to the other person's intent is a problem, on my part. But there is also the matter of this...

I remember you said your grandfather was concerned about her behavior too.

Which I think bears some responsibility. Because he does believe there is something that needs more medical attention. But he can't seem to reason with her on it and convince her to check it out.

I make note of a few important points. Like 1) I love both of these people and they love me. (assuming that's true) 2) Everyone deserves to feel needed and valued in the end. 3) Everyone is doing the best they know how.

People want to feel heard, so you being willing to hear them helps the energy.

The above two are so important. I am guilty of forgetting them in the moment. That makes me feel pretty stupid and self centered.

But, I'm not speaking to my brother these days, so I might not be the best person to ask! :bag:

I am sorry this is the case, although from what I have read would it be fair to sum this up as not much of a loss? (sorry if that's wrong)
My sister isn't speaking to me, I don't think she resents me. I just don't think she likes me. Hoping to avoid that with brother.

They "loved me" they decided because awkward as it was... they saw my intent I guess.

This is pretty awesome. I get it. My original concern however was that I am not of good intent. But logically I know I have no intention of causing harm to anybody, it's more of a matter of am I putting out my best. So I think I get this.

Bring yourself up to speed intellectually if you can't do so emotionally and "fake it til ya make it" (old recovery phrase). Kids know more than they get credit for and are very intuitive about "intent".

Did I ever mention how good I am at "faking it"? There is a thread about skills we excel at, this was my first thought. I learned from the best. Now to focus on the making it part. ;)

@shimmerz , thank you for sharing your experience about your grandfather. I can see where it holds its importance.

Your brother I would just let know that grandma is a great person so many times, but she gets moody. Point out the moods as you see them....

I need to do better job with this.

I'm gonna throw this in for the hell of it. Humble myself a bit. I got home today from work and in the pile of mail I received a card from...
my grandparents. My grandmother wrote out a simple, yet seemingly heartfelt note on a card specially chosen for me. Made me feel terrible about this whole thread. But was also thankful for it, for obvious reasons.

Thanks again!

 

[scout86]

I am sorry this is the case, although from what I have read would it be fair to sum this up as not much of a loss? (sorry if that's wrong)

You're dead on and that was my biggest laugh of the day!

But he can't seem to reason with her on it and convince her to check it out.

She's probably scared to death. Which also might contribute to some of her behavior, now that I think about it. Somehow, this needs to be addressed too.

I have implemented the tactic of "stop, breath, think, react." which has helped both of us, I think. Jumping to conclusions as to the other person's intent is a problem, on my part. But there is also the matter of this...

I think this is good. You know, the whole bunch of you will probably come out of this smarter and wiser for the experience.

There's one more thing I'd like to add. My T keeps telling me that his goal for therapy is that I be comfortable being more of the person I really am more of the time. I think that would be a good goal for you too. This might be hard to hear, but I think "the real you" is a wonderful, caring, kind person who tries REALLY hard, has a big heart and that heart is in the right place, where other people are concerned.

I am guilty of forgetting them in the moment. That makes me feel pretty stupid and self centered.

I think you're wrong about what you're guilty of. This is something I notice with me too. Under some kinds of pressure, the "PTSD switches" get tripped and THEN I get defensive and lose sight of the bigger picture. Which is why I really try hard to get it sorted out and have it in mind before I go in to something like that. And I still sometimes screw up. The wiring is hard to overcome, even when you're aware of it and you're trying. Sometimes I write myself notes I can look at. LOL

You are neither stupid nor selfish. There is NO WAY you can convince me of that.