Questionable character

[PlainJane]

May be a bit lengthy, but I would appreciate your consideration and earnest opinion.

I have, this year, acquired sole custody of a sibiling. Who, I may add, has made tremendous growth. (Lots of baggage) One of my concerns in claiming responsibility for this little being is my ability to care for him on an emotional level. I do have affection for him as well as a principled love. Me, I am a mess. I don't show or recieve affection well.

While I am taking on responsibility of him, I am also dealing with aging grands. Grandpa is pretty easy going fellow with a good humor about him. Grandma is a fiercly loyal individual with a heart of gold. Mostly. The issue with my grandma is she is rough. She is painfully blunt. Grandpa suspects Alzheimer's. A plethora of other health problems. She has a short fuse. Can be strict. She sets me off a good portion of the time. I do not remember her being this way at all. Possibly I had a distorted view in my young childhood, but I don't think so. She is so protective. But damn she's a horse pill to swallow. Never been physically harmful. Emotionally, she's on the line and has gone over it a couple of times.

I live with them. They help so much with little brother. My grandma has expressed to me resentment for having to care for a little boy. Not because of him, but because of my mother and the fact that she has yet again "screwed me over." She is mostly hurt by the situation. But I fear of the impact this view will have on my brother. Boundries, in reality, are not going to happen. She is stuck here. I had to remind her yesterday of a death of a friend. In which she revisited grief. Again, not all bad. Little brother adores her. She showers with affection and does "show" love. It's the times where she's over the line that concerns me.

I live with these individuals. I don't want too. I am the isolating sort that desperately needs a certain amount of solitude I often hope for a shot to the head. She has managed to set me off a few times. But I feel responsible for sticking around, because if I don't who will? On the same note they do have a few more years before they actually need a caregiver type role. But I also need the help while I can get it. As in watching the little guy, which poses it's trouble. Patience can be like thin ice. Sometimes we make it by the skin on our teeth other times we fall through the ice freezing to the bone.

This all should not be a problem, but I am in a bad stage in my own head. Lots of issues I attempt to place on the back burner to care for the above. Which works great for a awhile, but it eventually shows again. I walk on glass at home trying to people please, keep things as light and peaceful as possible. Try to keep brother out of line of fire. I used to have a great amount of love for my grandparents, but for the sake of sanity I put it in a box to quiet the hurt, to prevent the mourning of their past personalities. I am not in therapy. I haven't dealt with me and mess at all.

I can't tell if this is clear or not, I condensed it to the best of my ability. All comments and questions are welcome.

I feel like a selfish, manipulative ass. Like a coward. I am using the people around me. To all parties involved. Is that a justified view?
Straight up, of what character am I?

 

[Justmehere]

What do you mean when you write about your grandmother stepping over the line?

I feel like a selfish, manipulative ass. Like a coward. I am using the people around me. To all parties involved. Is that a justified view?
Straight up, of what character am I?

What character? Amazing character.

You have sacrificed so much to help your brother the best you know how. You have given your brother the best home and care that you can for him, even if it means putting up with an extremely cranky grandmother.

I think you are far from selfish. If there is anything I think you should change, it is to find more support for yourself, focus a little more on what you need, maybe find some way to get more time or resources so that you can work through your pain, which is real. However, I know you are surviving, the best you know how, and seeking the best path you can for you and the little one, and that spending time on what you need may seem like a luxury you don't deserve. But you do. You deserve all the support and help you can get.

Mourning what is lost about your grandparents (and perhaps even parents) may actually really help your relationship with your grandparents now. It can be painful, so it makes sense why you hold it away.

I do not see a lack of love in what you do, but an abundance of doing loving and kind things even when you don't feel that way.

People pleasing is not always healthy, but it usually is VERY different than being manipulative or using people or being of bad character. There may be room to work on boundaries internal boundaries, so that your grandmother's words don't sink in so far, and maybe even external boundaries, but that's more of learning a relational skill, and one at an advanced level... not in changing your character - which is one of having a heart of gold.

I don't read any evidence in your post of you manipulating anyone. You didn't hoodwink your grandparents into caring for your brother.

Where does this message of being manipulative or selfish come from? From your grandmother? your mother? Or from you alone? Whomever it comes from, I think they are wrong.

 

[scout86]

Is that a justified view?

No, it's not, not at all.

There's "using people" and then there's using people. For the most part, people like to feel they're useful. The situation with your grandparents sounds like a potential win/win to me. You can look at it as "using" each other if you want. But you can also look at it as the very best way families can interact.

Not because of him, but because of my mother and the fact that she has yet again "screwed me over."

Am I understanding correctly that your grandmother is upset with your mother because she has abdicated responsibility for your brother and you've "had to" pick up the slack? If I've got that right, I'm with Grandma 100%. In a perfect world, you wouldn't be raising your brother, your mother would. But we don't live in that world. As long as Grandma doesn't resent you and him and feel like she's being taken advantage of, (and it didn't sound like any of that was the case) I don't see a problem.

The issue with my grandma is she is rough. She is painfully blunt. Grandpa suspects Alzheimer's.

Sometimes things like that cause a change in personality. This could be a sign of a problem coming down the road. My own approach to that would be to confront it head on and get some kind of assessment so they know what they're dealing with. There are treatments that can slow the progression. It could also be something else. Better to know what's up, IMO. But, a fiercely loyal, tough, outspoken, opinionated, loving grandma sounds kind of cool, to me. All conflict isn't bad. People are SUPPOSED to disagree. What's a problem is when people expect everyone else to agree with THEM 100% of the time. Best of all possible worlds, you feel safe to disagree and discuss your disagreements.

Again, not all bad. Little brother adores her. She showers with affection and does "show" love. It's the times where she's over the line that concerns me.

Nobody, is a perfect parent. Ever. Human beings a wired to be pretty resilient. Sounds to me like your brother gets that she loves him and feels secure in her love, even when she also expresses anger. This is GOOD. One might even say "normal". (Means he probably doesn't have PTSD, I would guess.)

I am not in therapy. I haven't dealt with me and mess at all.

If there's any way possible, I think you should change that. Having a sounding board for yourself should help a lot as you try to navigate all this.

I used to have a great amount of love for my grandparents, but for the sake of sanity I put it in a box to quiet the hurt, to prevent the mourning of their past personalities.

I'm not sure I understand what you mean by this. Can't you also love them as they are now?

Straight up, of what character am I?

Can I start with "excellent"? You seem to be kind, caring, and compassionate. A tad hard on yourself. Maybe more worried about everyone else than yourself. That would be unselfish. A quiet sort of hero. One of the kind of people who make the world keep functioning. Brave, since you are taking all this on in spite of your self doubt. ( I know. You were hoping someone was going to agree with you, weren't you? Not me!)

 

[Neverthesame]

Couldn't agree more with both @scout86 & @Justmehere

There's "using people" and then there's using people.

If I may make a small substitution here. Hope you don't mind.

"There's using people, and then there's utilising people."

 

[PlainJane]

your grandmother stepping over the line?

Stepping over the line, as in entirely too hard on young boy. Especially one who has undergone his own trauma. I do believe there are behaviors present that require firmness. The difference is, I know my grandma and know not to take it personally when she is having a bad day. She gets loud and speaks abusively. He does not, and he takes it hard. I do what I can to make him feel better about it without being the person who covers abuse. Does that make sense?

It can be painful, so it makes sense why you hold it away

Not only painful, not productive. "Ain't nobody got time fo' dat"

Whomever it comes from, I think they are wrong.

Me, but I know the pattern. I was raised by the best manipulators the world has seen yet. Little brother has manipulative tendencies my mother so graciously instilled in him. I think about life like a chess match, what will get me here, and what are the pros and cons of that? This is simplified, but possibly clear.

Grandma doesn't resent you and him and feel like she's being taken advantage of, (and it didn't sound like any of that was the case) I don't see a problem

On a bad day, she absolutely does. Sometimes regarding this particular case, and sometimes me and my "excuse" (being PTSD).

, a fiercely loyal, tough, outspoken, opinionated, loving grandma sounds kind of cool, to me.

Oh she's a total badass! I do appreciate her more than any other human being. Which make me feel even worse having these thoughts and feeling towards her and our living conditions. I am okay with these traits...when she isn't on a war path against anything with a breadth. I suspect she has some other mental things going on as well. Which again makes me feel like a hypocrite. "Oh my god, grandma is being so crazy, a paranoid psycho. Oh wait! Jane you silly thing, you're a psycho too!" I obviously want some understanding and compassion, so why not give that to her instead of mind bashing her. Because I am caring only about my skin.

All conflict isn't bad

I see this. And I think I can identify the difference between "healthy" conflict and straight up attack. I think.

Sounds to me like your brother gets that she loves him and feels secure in her love, even when she also expresses anger

This worries me a bit too. I wonder if he knows this is what saves his ass, so to speak. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

Can't you also love them as they are now?

Honestly, I don't know. I guess to clarify I don't mean I put feelings away exclusively for my grandparents but for most everybody. I lost my grandparents for period of time. I learned to be able to take or leave people. Which is cruel, to everybody. I am hard to live with, I think. I don't allow people "access" to me.

I know. You were hoping someone was going to agree with you, weren't you?

Yes, I was looking for a good kick.

@scout86 my grandma on her bad days remind me a lot of the attitude put forth by @shimmerz mother. And she has bad days often enough.

 

[Neverthesame]

I honestly would be more concerned if you had described this whole situation, then said that "everything is going perfectly, no conflict whatsoever".

I don't think it's possible to have even textbook healthy people, living in a confined space assuming roles that are outside the norm, not having some conflict.

Your elderly grandparents and yourself have had to become the parents to a child who's actual relationship title, should at most, make you occasional babysitters. Not full on parents. It's a huge undertaking for all of you. One you didn't ask for.

Adding in the other factors of ptsd, possible early onset dementia as well as 4 personalities all trying to adjust to a living situation that is at least for you, counterintuitive to what you feel is "home".

There of course is going to be some conflict and resentment. It's perfectly natural.

The fact that you have been able to put aside these negative feelings, for the greater good of giving the child the best possible home to grow up in, is nothing short of admirable.

I want to ask though, if it is possible that the reason your grandmother is overly harsh sometimes, could be coming from a place of guilt? Stemming from her feeling like she didn't do enough raising her daughter. That it is her fault that the 4 of you are in this place to begin with? (Honest question, not looking to assign blame. I don't think there is any even I wanted to assign it.)

 

[PlainJane]

I want to ask though, if it is possible that the reason your grandmother is overly harsh sometimes, could be coming from a place of guilt? Stemming from her feeling like she didn't do enough raising her daughter. That it is her fault that the 4 of you are in this place to begin with? (Honest question, not looking to assign blame. I don't think there is any even I wanted to assign it.)

Yes, this is certainly possible. She often laments regarding the life of her daughter. That's something else I attempt to keep in perspective, that she is going through this, just as I am. However, easier said than done. However, if I am looking at her from a view without invested emotion, I'd say she puts forth that they are her daughters actions; and as a mother she provided for her daughter with the best she had.

It is a good question. One that deserves closer examination.

 

[shimmerz]

Hmmm, seems like my diary might have stirred a little something up. So sorry about that Jane.

I wonder if there might be a bit of 'I am not doing this well enough' welling up in you. I have a couple of questions, because really, the indicator here would be your brother first and foremost I think.

1. What is his reaction when your grandmother 'goes off on him'?
2. Does he seem generally happy with his life right now?
3. Is he aware that your grandmother has alzheimers, and that that may be where her reactions are coming from?
4. Do you feel like he is getting emotional support from somewhere in the house?

Let's start with those.... and please ignore if you feel they are too personal.

 

[PlainJane]

So sorry about that Jane.

Don't be. I needed to read it ;)

1. What is his reaction when your grandmother 'goes off on him'?

It's mixed. Sometimes he gets upset. Crying and such. His emotions flow. Other times, it doesn't seem to phase him. They pass quickly regardless.

2. Does he seem generally happy with his life right now?

Yes. Sometimes he's bored. But he appreciates it over all. But did we not think our childhoods were normal?

3. Is he aware that your grandmother has alzheimers, and that that may be where her reactions are coming from?

Nope. I've explained to him the feelings and reactions though. I didn't give him a label to put on it. I emphasize that what is going on is not his fault. When does it become no longer acceptable?

4. Do you feel like he is getting emotional support from somewhere in the house?

I think so. I do my best, I have gotten better about it since court decided to leave him with us. Although, I need to do better. My grandma gives him support when she is of the mind to do it. Now I can listen to him and talk to him with little issue, it's the affection I have the most difficult time with. And he still has a therapist.

Did I answer you questions? or not even close?

 

[The Albatross]

Okay gruff/rough but loving... versus not demonstratively loving but aware of the potential for maladaption of the child and being concerned about both?

My vote would be loving but gruff though I'd counter balance it with aloof but conscientiousness til you "grow" into the parenting style that is most useful for the needs of the child. You are aware, and see the pitfalls... that is the big thing. Grandfather is there to add ballast. What a child receives is from all participants, you are good to be aware that B takes it hard. You are good to be mindful of your situations shortcomings as well as the difficulties for you and your grandmother... yet all in all it is utilizing what you have available til you are in a position to assume the role of a surrogate parent.

This is, after all a labor of love... you tend to think yourself aloof, yet you took this on and assumed the responsibility. I honestly think that with assist, from peers for support, you can grow into the role gal. Give yourself some credit... and YOU recognize the heart of grandmother... you can communicate it or model how to deal with it rather than protect. Children are more malleable than teens or adults... I think that THREE where there was one wholely unreliable adult... is better than one?

Comment based on Ecclesiastes 4:12, King James Version which says, "And if one prevail against him, two shall withstand him; and a threefold cord is not quickly broken."

 

[scout86]

I want to ask though, if it is possible that the reason your grandmother is overly harsh sometimes, could be coming from a place of guilt?

This is brilliant! (Well, I never would have thought of it so it seems pretty smart to me!) Here's another thought. You mentioned that your brother has a tendency to be manipulative that he picked up from your mother. Could there be an element of "Oh no! Not again!" going on, along with the guilt? Can you actually TALK to your grandmother about this?

It's mixed. Sometimes he gets upset. Crying and such. His emotions flow. Other times, it doesn't seem to phase him. They pass quickly regardless.

I'm guessing, but I think there's a chance this is "normal". How would you expect him to react?

If you all CAN talk about this, it seems like it would help. You are a team, after all. What about your brother's therapist? Do you get any kind of feedback there?

But did we not think our childhoods were normal?

Yes. Everyone, pretty much thinks that. And, your brother's hasn't exactly been "normal" so far either. It still also hasn't been YOUR childhood, right? Because he's now got the 3 of you, rather than his mother.

Something else to remember is that everyone who experiences trauma doesn't get PTSD. It's actually apparently a minority. All of this will affect him, but it might not affect him the same way it would you.

it's the affection I have the most difficult time with.

How does your brother feel about that? It could be that it's not as big a problem for him as you think. Or, maybe it is. You'd probably have to ask him?

 

[PlainJane]

Can't seem to quote again.

@The Albatross perhaps I feel a sense of urgency in regards to "growing" into the role. After all he won't wait to grow up while I get my ducks in a row. He will grow up with or without me. Adaptation is gonna have to hurry. Here I am stuck in my own head while his world has been turned and flipped.

Here's my beef. I am aware, but what am I doing about it? Nothing. It's stupid. And POTENTIALLY damaging. Prevention instead of repair, that's my goal. I don't need to add to the pile.

Common denominator; support. Another aspect I have never quite embraced, but I can see the value. Logically.

Could there be an element of "Oh no! Not again!" going on, along with the guilt? Can you actually TALK to your grandmother about this?

Yes, she has mentioned this as being a turn off for her. and I get it, but still not his fault. I can sure try to speak with her, she's not the most approachable person. She is more likely to jump to ill intent on my part. But I'll breach the subject tomorrow and I won't allow this to cloud my outlook. Worse that could happen, I end up in the dog house with little guy. (Which secretly could be my solution) so I guess best or worse we'll be okay. ;)

'm guessing, but I think there's a chance this is "normal". How would you expect him to react?

This is how I would expect him react. Totally "normal" reaction. It does not mean it is necessary for him to experience on a somewhat regular basis. I want him to feel wanted and loved. Now and when he looks back.

Do you get any kind of feedback there?

I am not confident in her abilities. Not because of this situation. I have other reasons. Nice person, but not with it. Reliability issues. Don't know if that makes sense. I can't get a new therapist for him either, not yet any way. But at least he can have that person to talk to that's not here.

How does your brother feel about that? It could be that it's not as big a problem for him as you think. Or, maybe it is. You'd probably have to ask hi

Not sure I haven't asked him. He's very touchy feely and I just don't handle that well at all. The only reason I suspected it was a problem is because he's always hanging or clinging on me. He seems to like physical affection.