General Questions About A Relationship - From A PTSD Suffer For Carers

[Cindy]

I have PTSD but would like to share a few thoughts, maybe not realistic though.

Since the onset of my PTSD I have not been in a relationship because of fear.

Really, I guess since my abusive marriage ended twenty years ago.

In the past year I have begun to feel healed enough to persue a relationship for the first time. I am interested in a man that I can only describe as a Black Santa Claus. I am 15 years older than him and white. Just a few discrepencies do you think. He has absolutely no concerns about it nor do I.

However, we are great friends and close but not intimate physically. However the time is approaching I think to cross that boundary because the verbal exchanges are getting very flirtatious. Oh, boy, do I feel in over my head. Whatever happens I have promised myself to go with the flow.

Now, here is maybe the unrealistic part, I don't expect him to carry my burden. I think I will share some of it descreetly when the time is right. But I don't want our fun and relationship built on all the tragedy. I kind of want to keep it pure and keep it simple. I realize my intimacy issues may blow this concept right out of the water, but at this point that is where I am at.

Niave Nelly speaks. I think another aspect of my approach to this relationship growth is that I am not expecting or do I want any level of permanent committment. I just want someone to share some fun with who enjoys living with passion for what they believe in.

Do you feel I am being unfair not to divulge wholly my PTSD? Am I expecting things that unrealistic in a potential relationship? Am I setting myself up?

 

[neverforget]

I think another aspect of my approach to this relationship growth is that I am not expecting or do I want any level of permanent committment.

In my opinion it's essential you'll let him know from the start if you feel you don't want permanent committment.

My ex just broached the subject of his trauma very superficially, like a few hints, more than 6 months after we first met.
Just remembering this period of his past seemed very hard and talking about it nearly impossible.

I know our relationship would have been different, and some things much easier for me to cope with if I had known from the start.

Maybe it's like "We're gonna make it work and there's no need to mention PTSD" but then, when feelings grow and the relationship becomes more "serious", some blocks and difficulties due to Ptsd can arise.
And then the carer doesn't know where they come from and feels quite lost.

Committment seems to be a big issue for some PTSD sufferers, at least it was for my ex.

I think it's very personal to decide if you're gonna tell your partner about your trauma, and how much you're gonna tell.
But if you're able to explain about some reactions you have and that are hardly understandable for your partner and that could confuse him, then that's the main thing.
No matter if he doesn't know everything about your past, if you don't let him alone with too many questions and there's respect between you two the relationship will work.

I don't know if I help you with my post, I hope so.

Good luck :smile:

 

[Cindy]

Thank you for your response. I agree with you that open communication and honesty is essential for a successful relationship. We both totally agree on the issues of relationships, committment, and fun together. He has several personal obligations with his immediate family and has chosen to take on added responsibilities for care of sibling and children. I respect that and it is one of the things that first drew me to him is his family values and character. We both are very dedicated professionals in our fields and are passionate about our work which at times borders on workaholism. But aside from my ramblings about me --

I see your point about being able to place reactions in perspective with prior knowledge of a person's trauma therefore enabling you to maybe handle things a little differently or understand off the wall responses. That is why I feel it necessary to share appropriate information as needed and at the right times depending on upcoming events or activities that may trigger you.

I think this is significant to recognize the benefit to all involved not having a deep dark closet of unknown, in a relationship where a person has to "imagine" or create on speculation. What a total disadvantage to succeed.

Very well said. Thank you. I will keep this in mind as I share my past, and what parts affect my life today.