Queen Boudica
VIP Member
My ex H and I are recently separated, for about 3 months. After 26 years together I finally saw how he had been emotionally and physically abusive and controlling throughout our marriage and what a manipulative man he is who thinks about himself and money as the priority.
We have 3 young kids, aged from 4 to 11. Their relationship is very good with their father. They love him. I want them to spend time with him and not feel that I am putting him in a bad light or for them to be aware exactly why we separated. I am keen for him to spend as much quality time with them.
This makes it very hard for me. Because he is not really accepting the marriage is over. He, thinks I will take him back at some point, I am sure of that. But he is also still trying to control anyway he can. And he is interfering with the discipline of the kids, playing Mr Nice Guy all the time. I still feel triggered when he is around and find it hard to be with him. He goes round with puppy dog eyes trying to make me feel sorry for him, and part of me does, but part of me is very afraid that he will turn nasty when it finally dawns on him that I will not take him back.
When he finally moved out he ended up renting a tiny studio flat, his excuse, he does not have enough money and wants to be close by for the kids. Yes he is close by and is at the house lots, almost every day, which is not good for me. But he gave no thought that he would actually have to take the kids for weekends and holidays and how was he going to manage that in a tiny studio flat. At one point he suggested that, when he takes the kids he moves back into the house and I stay at the studio? I have insisted that he take the kids and stay at his flat
So far he has only taken the kids for one night at weekends. None of the kids stuff is at his flat as there is no room to store their stuff. It is holidays. He has taken 2 1/2 weeks off and he emailed me the dates to inform me. I have been an emotional wreck and am exhausted so I have decided that he will take the kids for the 2 weeks from boxing day. There are another 3 weeks of school holidays after that where I will have them. He is trying to worm out of this with the excuse that, in the studio flat everyone has to go to bed at the same time (because it is one room with a pull down double bed and a sofa bed!) So it would be too much for the kids. So he only wants to take them for 1 week and then pick them up from my place every day, the following week at 10 am and drop them off at 5 pm. So I am left with tired kids to cook and feed and get to bed. I am trying to insist that he takes them the 2 weeks.
I have even suggested he take them away on a holiday for one of those weeks. He tells me he can't afford it. He has a good job and plenty of savings.
Do I keep my foot down and make sure he takes them that second week? What do I do if he just says No?
I am having the kids on Christmas Day. He hates Christmas, was never into it. I love Christmas with the kids. I am cooking turkey with all the trimmings as the kids love it and I have made Christmas pudding and Christmas cake. There will be lots of food. He asked whether he could come round on Christmas Day. I said no, it will be too disruptive and I just can't bear the thought of having to deal with him on Christmas Day.
Yet I am feeling sorry for him being alone on Christmas Day. I have this image of him alone and sad.
He has taken them today, Christmas Eve. I had them all day yesterday. He will have them till 5 today. He has to do some food shopping, so he is taking them food shopping first. Eldest upset, whispering to me, that all he is doing is taking them shopping. Yes, I don't get it. He had all day yesterday to do food shopping. The shops were open till midnight. Why drag them round today? - Christmas Eve when it is going to be crowded and awful? I just don't get it. I have been avoiding taking them to the supermarket with me and doing the shopping in my time without them.
But then I am feeling sorry for him and thinking: "Well there will be plenty of left over turkey and roast veg and stuff, and Christmas pudding and cake so, when he takes them on Boxing Day, I will give him a meal that he can heat up. And he will get to have a proper Christmas Dinner because he will miss out on Christmas Day"
Am I mad? Should I do that? Is that encouraging him? I think it is a nice thing to do and then he can spend more time focusing on the kids instead of cooking. And the kids will have some nice treats, like cake and Christmas pudding. He has been feeding them brown rice and kindey beans (I kid you not, well at least it is healthy :confused: Oh I am being bitchy)
But is that mad doing that? Is that encouraging him, leading him on? I mean, half of me wants to be nice and kind and feels sorry for him and half of me knows he is a manipulative user. I feel torn apart inside. What is right? How do I be with him? What is right for the kids?
We have 3 young kids, aged from 4 to 11. Their relationship is very good with their father. They love him. I want them to spend time with him and not feel that I am putting him in a bad light or for them to be aware exactly why we separated. I am keen for him to spend as much quality time with them.
This makes it very hard for me. Because he is not really accepting the marriage is over. He, thinks I will take him back at some point, I am sure of that. But he is also still trying to control anyway he can. And he is interfering with the discipline of the kids, playing Mr Nice Guy all the time. I still feel triggered when he is around and find it hard to be with him. He goes round with puppy dog eyes trying to make me feel sorry for him, and part of me does, but part of me is very afraid that he will turn nasty when it finally dawns on him that I will not take him back.
When he finally moved out he ended up renting a tiny studio flat, his excuse, he does not have enough money and wants to be close by for the kids. Yes he is close by and is at the house lots, almost every day, which is not good for me. But he gave no thought that he would actually have to take the kids for weekends and holidays and how was he going to manage that in a tiny studio flat. At one point he suggested that, when he takes the kids he moves back into the house and I stay at the studio? I have insisted that he take the kids and stay at his flat
So far he has only taken the kids for one night at weekends. None of the kids stuff is at his flat as there is no room to store their stuff. It is holidays. He has taken 2 1/2 weeks off and he emailed me the dates to inform me. I have been an emotional wreck and am exhausted so I have decided that he will take the kids for the 2 weeks from boxing day. There are another 3 weeks of school holidays after that where I will have them. He is trying to worm out of this with the excuse that, in the studio flat everyone has to go to bed at the same time (because it is one room with a pull down double bed and a sofa bed!) So it would be too much for the kids. So he only wants to take them for 1 week and then pick them up from my place every day, the following week at 10 am and drop them off at 5 pm. So I am left with tired kids to cook and feed and get to bed. I am trying to insist that he takes them the 2 weeks.
I have even suggested he take them away on a holiday for one of those weeks. He tells me he can't afford it. He has a good job and plenty of savings.
Do I keep my foot down and make sure he takes them that second week? What do I do if he just says No?
I am having the kids on Christmas Day. He hates Christmas, was never into it. I love Christmas with the kids. I am cooking turkey with all the trimmings as the kids love it and I have made Christmas pudding and Christmas cake. There will be lots of food. He asked whether he could come round on Christmas Day. I said no, it will be too disruptive and I just can't bear the thought of having to deal with him on Christmas Day.
Yet I am feeling sorry for him being alone on Christmas Day. I have this image of him alone and sad.
He has taken them today, Christmas Eve. I had them all day yesterday. He will have them till 5 today. He has to do some food shopping, so he is taking them food shopping first. Eldest upset, whispering to me, that all he is doing is taking them shopping. Yes, I don't get it. He had all day yesterday to do food shopping. The shops were open till midnight. Why drag them round today? - Christmas Eve when it is going to be crowded and awful? I just don't get it. I have been avoiding taking them to the supermarket with me and doing the shopping in my time without them.
But then I am feeling sorry for him and thinking: "Well there will be plenty of left over turkey and roast veg and stuff, and Christmas pudding and cake so, when he takes them on Boxing Day, I will give him a meal that he can heat up. And he will get to have a proper Christmas Dinner because he will miss out on Christmas Day"
Am I mad? Should I do that? Is that encouraging him? I think it is a nice thing to do and then he can spend more time focusing on the kids instead of cooking. And the kids will have some nice treats, like cake and Christmas pudding. He has been feeding them brown rice and kindey beans (I kid you not, well at least it is healthy :confused: Oh I am being bitchy)
But is that mad doing that? Is that encouraging him, leading him on? I mean, half of me wants to be nice and kind and feels sorry for him and half of me knows he is a manipulative user. I feel torn apart inside. What is right? How do I be with him? What is right for the kids?
