Questions about my therapist who sees no pathology in me & tells me i’m doing great

[Mach123]

There's nothing to be sorry about I was just trying to help.

 

[TTC18]

It does help, thank you.

 

[grit]

Hey tryingtocope18
I just realized I gave you few different points in your other post as well. I did not know you were the same. But I thought I will add a bit here.

If you were laughing at your childhood abuse in order to survive, what did you do in your abusive relationships in order to survive?

I personally think you have a lot of splits in your self and how you see others in intimate states (parents and husbands, children etc).

You are so split in yourself that you see yourself as functional but probably those living with you see you more fully. So even though you were abused in marriage which is huge itself, you also probably have some sort of mechanism to withstand and that mechanism is exactly what you are bringing to the therapist and she cannot get through it. Just like those husbands abuse you so much without killing you, the therapist is much softer of course and she simply cannot get through you. You are that much blocked or little dead outside.

My best bet is to stay in therapy. Stay long enough for you to feel safe and have some sort of breakdown to let the cracks shows, then the therapist may be able to help you. I do not agree with them saying you have no pathology and that is maybe true but you do have strong defense to withstand abuse and that same defense can block any connection with anyone including a therapy.

It is very easy to say I am victim and abused but there is a point where we bring that to the therapist who is here to help us and it is a vicious cycle.

Maybe next time you are under fire from your own mind: admit to yourself, there is only one part of your psyche that is functional but not all. You are not integrated fully and you are disowning a huge portion of yourself and you could express that to your therapist.

A therapist cannot put words in your mouth. They can agree with you and correct distortions but cannot argue out of your personality. If you say you are functional, you run, you have a great job, etc all they can do is just hum along and hope you come out and say why you are there paying their fee.
If you say you are crazy, you are anxious, you are this or that, then they can work with you.

 

[Joni]

My therapist is super nice - but no matter what I tell her, she just supports me and reassures m...

I have gone to do many therapists over the years. I am on limited meds but I can tell you, you are spot on about your PTSD. I am going to seek out more options.

 

[Stephernovas]

I walked in to my therapists office a few weeks before the final trauma that 'solidified' my PTSD. I first approached her office requesting support with the sudden loss of a close friend (still alive - I was just having a hard time with finding out she was actually a selfish raging b*tch).

I think the second session I went in and told her I read about C-PTSD and believed I had it (because I didn't officially have some big life threatening event happen to me - (lol..yet) it was c-PTSD as I identified with the symptoms a lot). She was hesitant to agree to this. However, I also disclosed I was fearful that I suffered from bipolar bc my mom would constantly berate me and call me crazy, claiming I was bipolar since one minute I'd be calm and the next I'd be exceptionally emotionally activated (even though it would make sense with the way she'd torture me). My therapist assured me I was not bipolar, and really pushed away from informally following a diagnosis. I assumed it was to avoid hypochondria and etc. type stuff, which I thought was a fair concern to have in this line of work.

About 2-3 sessions later I had a bad accident and I was formally diagnosed, as worker's comp. paid for a proper/official assessment. After we were well into treatment, my therapist and I were discussing our prior conversation about my traumas and how I suffered through so much more than just this one accident to trigger full on PTSD. She actually claimed she mentioned (to me) that she believed the symptoms I reported to her did qualify me for the diagnosis of PTSD. I had to laugh and tell her it was actually myself that suggested it, and she seemed avoidant from agreeing or disagreeing. She rather worked with what she had in the moment.

Edit: So I can't say for sure what your therapist's rationale is, but all I can say is I shared in your struggles in my own way. In a weird twist of fate I'm getting the therapy I need now whether or not I had enough symptoms to qualify the diagnosis of PTSD before everything went down. Sounds like an assessment will help you and your therapist.

 

[TTC18]

@grit - I buried the abuse. When it wasn't happening, it didn't exist. When it was happening, I remembered everything that had happened before, but when it wasn't happening, I remembered nothing. When it would start, I'd be shocked - like anyone who had a loving husband who suddenly turned on them. What? This has never happened before! He's so great, so awesome - how could he suddenly become this monster!?!? Oh.. wait.. there was that other time.. And that other time... and... Oh. He really is a monster. Why am I still here?
I actually wrote myself a letter, detailing the abuse, and hid it in a box of sanitary products in the bathroom. Every month, I'd find it, read it, think about leaving, and then forget again.
I've told my therapist everything. I think that may be part of the problem - another of my coping mechanisms is self-analysis and words. I use so many words so I can describe something really horrific and the focus is more on the words than on what I'm describing. Like I'm insulating myself from what happened by using REALLY GOOD WORDS to describe it. Which sounds really nutty when I think about it, lol. But yea, I tell her I'm terrified all the time, I can't think straight, I can't work anymore, and all the while I'm functioning, I've got screaming inside my head, and I feel like someone being chased by a monster. Except no one else can see the monster, and I can't run away.

@Joni - I hope you find more options!

@Stephernovas - I also told my therapist I was fearful that I was xyz. In my case, I fear that I'm really a horrible person, because so many people have claimed it over the years. Family members, ex-husbands, all of them agree (some verbally, some with their actions) that I'm a horrible person, unworthy of love, only worthy of abuse - and the source/cause of all my own problems. And I worry that it's true. That's actually the conversation that sparked the 'I detect no pathology in you' comment, I think - because I was saying, 'oh my gosh, what if I really am so incredibly nuts that I *think* I'm OK, but I'm really a raving tearing lunatic, who has been the abuser in all of these situations??' (Both of my ex-husbands claimed that I was abusive to them, my mother claimed I was abusive to her, etc) It's a terrifying thought. Thanks for sharing your situation, I appreciate your thoughts!