Quick Question Re Affection, Acting Like You're In A Relationship In Front Of Others

[Wastinglight]

Quick question for the sufferers here – is it common to not want to be affectionate with your partner in front of others, and be reluctant to tell others that you’re in a relationship?

I’ve been with my man about 3 months now. He has spent a fair bit of time withdrawing from me, mostly because there have been a lot of stressful things happening in his life outside of our relationship, but things seem to be getting better in past couple of weeks. We both attend a social activity on the weekends (that’s where we met), and although he’s very keen to touch me, kiss and fool around when we're alone, he seems to go to great pains to avoid being affectionate to me in front of other people – even people who KNOW we’re in a relationship.

I also get the impression he is avoiding telling other people that we’re In A Relationship, or at least, is referring to me in less serious/committed terms. He definitely considers us to be in a relationship, because I asked him straight-up at one point recently.

Just wondering if this is common, and if so, what are some of the reasons behind it. Maybe his social anxiety might be responsible for it? I am working up to asking him about it, but we already had a pretty big D&M a few days ago, so I want to give him some processing/down time before I hit him with any more potentially intrusive questions….

 

[whserenitynluv]

A simple to the point question is best. If it gets to be a huge debate chances might be that he shuts down. I also have social anxiety, and can only speak for myself, but that approach has worked best in the past. He falls off the charts as well probably due to his anxiety. This form of communication doesn't work in a relationship because it leaves you dangling around. Is he getting help for his anxiety?

 

[bell]

PTSD can cause relationship problems, but I've never heard quite what you described as being attributed to PTSD.

Personally, if someone refused to tell people we were in a relationship and acted like we weren't in front of others, that would be both a huge red flag and a dealbreaker.

In short, you deserve better and to be with someone who is proud of you and wants to tell the world that you are his!

 

[Justmehere]

What's D&M? (This is an international forum so it's best to avoid acronyms)

 

[Sighs]

Deep and Meaningful - refers to a serious/emotional discussion

 

[bell]

What would you do if he was acting this way and didn't have PTSD?

To me, these problems still don't seem very attributable to PTSD, so ask yourself that question. Only then will you have your answer.

 

[Wastinglight]

Good point @bell. I will just have to ask him next time I get a chance, cos he often seems unaware that some of his behaviours are upsetting me, and is surprised when I tell him that they are.

 

[whserenitynluv]

:hug::depressed:I'm so new to this that I really don't know if I have the best answer but I can share some things that might help. Being someone with PTSD, with some situations ( relationships) my approach to romance backfires. the evasiveness and random things have made people feel uncomfortable, because I have left them in the dark... And they don't know what's up because I run before I explain it. Sometimes , make that most every time I meet someone worth my time I get quiet, and ultra quiet. Far more than not when I meet someone who is worth it I won't say anything at all. Sometimes total avoidance. An example would be the time i was dating one of the most incredible people in the world. We dated for around nine months, took trips together, hung out... And things were getting serious. One night he made a super romantic dinner ... Candles and everything.. Was speaking in foreign languages - total romance. I stood up and said I had to go ... He said he loved me. I have to disagree with bell and that it isn't PtSd, because for me it will be my first functional love,my first time falling in love, and that shouldn't be terrifying to a normal person, but it is foreign to a person like me. Therefore it can make someone a bit shy, especially after decades of other behaviors that me and my t are working on, communication and owning my own fears is what the dr orders . Because the person I stay with does deserve me without walls, but it's my choice to make changes nobody can change it but myself.... Hope that helps

 

[Wastinglight]

Thank you @whserenitynluv. What you've described sounds a bit like him. I suspect that one of the problems here is that he has been alone for a few years now - lives alone and doesn't socialise outside of the activity that we both do. And he has admitted that this is a real period of adjustment for him, cos he's not used to having to consider someone else. He has promised not to leave me in the dark again, so fingers crossed things will only get better.

I really do think he's a good guy, and I don't think he means to act in a way that hurts me. I think he is being truthful in his responses to my questions (and this is really saying something, as I have some massive trust issues resulting from being with a pathological liar in a past relationship). I am, by nature, a very open and honest person. I am always upfront about what's going on with me. I am hoping this is a good thing for him - at least he never has to wonder where I'm at.

 

[BlueOrange]

I guess what I'm trying to do here is work out what is likely to be a PTSD-related behaviour (in which case, I might need to tread carefully), and what isn't (in which case perhaps I have more licence to tell him to pull his socks up!).

That's an understandable approach, but I think it's a mistake. My violent behaviour was caused by my PTSD, and it wasn't tolerable, and it's over. My distaste for the smell of fish is not caused by my PTSD, but it's a very minor inconvenience. My wife (who enjoys eating fish) doesn't have a problem with eating all the fish herself.

When deciding whether to tolerate something or to draw a line, the question is not "What causes this thing?" the question is "What are the consequences of this thing?" It doesn't matter whether he's got a good excuse or not - it matters how badly you are impacted by the behaviour (or lack of it).

 

[Sighs]

Great post @BlueOrange! I certainly got to that point in a past relationship with an unpleasant alcoholic. I no longer cared why he drank or why he behaved the way he did when he was drunk. I just didn't want it in my life for one more second.

I am struggling a little in my current relationship (with a combat PTSD sufferer). When its good its so good, but when its bad its scary.

Having said that I do understand what @Wastinglight is getting at here - at least I think I do. If her question is not so much "Should I tolerate this?" but more "How do I approach this issue in our relationship?" then it can only help her to know more about PTSD.

Hugs to all those who want them - both sufferers and supporters! Relationships are hard full stop. Add PTSD and its a whole other level of hard!

 

[Wastinglight]

Yep @Sighs, that is what I mean. There are certain behaviours that I would never accept, regardless of whether it comes from the PTSD or not.

Lovely to hear from you again Sighs, your response to my first post a few months ago (when things first started getting a bit rocky) helped me immeasurably. So thank you :hug: