Quick Question Re Affection, Acting Like You're In A Relationship In Front Of Others

[ghotiff]

As a adult who suffered childhood sexual abuse I struggle with touch and do not do public affectionate displays. My husband is fine with this and at our wedding laughed at my tiny - let's get this requirement over with - peck at our wedding....... "you may now kiss the bride" but she might not let you because everyone is watching.

I should add that this is very much an in public or with others problem.

 

[BlueOrange]

I did miss the point in my reply, thanks for pointing that out so graciously. Let me argue for consistency of handling, instead of consistency of judgement :)

The PTSD sufferer's head is full of landmines. We know where some of them are, but not all of them. If we avoid stuff (any kind of thing), then it's probably because we are scared. We like to be handled gently when scared. However, if walking on eggshells becomes intolerable, then deal with it as if it were intolerable ;)

My impression is that people without PTSD have the same basic tendencies. So if anyone that I knew was avoiding something I thought was important, I'd take same basic approach:

Ask them if they think they are doing what I think they're doing

Let them know what I would prefer

Explain my motives only if asked

It usually works

 

[bell]

Personally, I think that refusing to tell others you're together is a different issue and still a red flag.

Avoiding relationships I am great at that. But when I am in one I have no problem telling others and lots of problems when we're alone.

If I'm reading this correctly, it reads like he doesn't want to admit being with the original poster until they're alone and then things are fine, he's even "keen" on getting physical. And that isn't PTSD behavior, to my understanding.

To me that reads very much like he's keeping his options publicly open, which gives off the wrong signals, cheapens the relationship, and disrespects the other person. Again, you deserve better.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I disagree that not telling others your in a relationship is a big red flag. And not just because I do it myself. Honestly, I do it BECAUSE of the abuse. My mother used to TORMENT me about boyfriends when I was a teenager, so I learned to never tell anyone when I was seeing someone. I couldn't deal with the abuse. I guess its sort of irksome when someone who doesn't know what its like from the INSIDE repeats the red flag thing twice in one thread. Yeah, maybe with normal people this is a red flag, but I can't see how this is always a red flag. Honestly, I have said my entire life that if/when I get married, I am eloping and they can meet him after the wedding.....perhaps. And even that is a big maybe. My family thinks I'm joking. (Yeah, I have this thing where I joke with a dead on straight face so sometimes they don't get it.) I don't let groups of people in my life cross, and I haven't decided if I honestly want this one to cross. That is, interaction between SO and family. And then I've had experiences with so-called-friends tearing apart my relationship. If you've had experiences such as mine, you definitely want to keep things under wraps until further on down the line. The world is full of assholes. I think he's doing this as a protection mechanism.

 

[Wastinglight]

Thanks @bell and @Solara. I really appreciate hearing the diversity of views here. Further clarification - he told his family straightaway when we started dating, and has let some of his friends know as well. But he seems kind of reluctant to make it 'general knowledge'. From what I've observed (plus my gut instinct), it seems more likely that this is more about fear than about keeping his options open. The few times he has touched me affectionately in front of others, he has always seemed sheepish and possibly a little embarrassed or shy about it. There's been a number of times that I've gotten the impression that he wants to touch me, but something is stopping him, and he backs off instead. He is often a bit shy and tentative at first when we're alone together too (but seems keen as well, I know that sounds contradictory!).

Of course I could be wrong, and certainly, what bell has mentioned plays on my mind, for sure. I have tried to look at the situation as objectively as possible, and It does seem to be about fear or possibly even lack of self-confidence (I know this is a very big issue for him). I'm not saying that because I don't like the alternative, I genuinely think it's the most likely explanation. In any case, time will tell! Thanks again.

And @BlueOrange, thanks for that clarification. Well put and quite right. And as I have stated earlier, I am generally pretty forthright when his behaviour is unacceptable to me. But as Sighs and others have said, there are ways of approaching an issue that are more likely to result in successful resolution of an issue. If I have a better idea of what might be the cause of his behaviour, I'm hoping I can raise it with him in such a way that things get better, not worse! In the early days of our relationship I made the mistake of confronting him in an inappropriate way, and his reaction was to get upset and withdraw. I'd prefer that it didn't go down that way again :)

 

[jjbean]

I can relate to this. I have PTSD, but I never connected my relationship and public displays of affection with the PTSD. I was avoidant of relationships for as long as I can remember...I've always been shy around the opposite sex, but my experiences made it more extreme I think. If I have feelings for someone and we're not in a relationship I typically go out of my way to avoid them. And/or give really mixed signals as I try like hell to communicate my interest/love because I never got to witness that as a child.

I think the thing is with trauma it affects our lives not in a black and white way. You don't really know where the after effects begin and end. I do know that all of my parents arent affectionate and so they have passed down their uncomfortableness with it all to me. I think its separate from the PTSD its self, but also I am just realizing how much my experiences have affected my relationships (was played with in appropriately at age 5 and then molested/raped at 15, but it wasn't until I was held at gunpoint in a traumatic way that I actually officially developed PTSD). Sometimes I wonder if I've PTSD even before the hold up.

I think, bottom line, he should be able to talk about it and work through it with you. I have enough self-realization and motivation to want to work on it and I'd be honest with someone I cared about from the get go. It may be a combination of different things that make him this way. But does it matter? I think what matters is the communication between the two of you :)

 

[MorningDove]

e I think. If I have feelings for someone and we're not in a relationship I typically go out of my way to avoid them. And/or give really mixed signals

This is very interesting and affirming to read. To the sufferers in this thread, thank you for your insights as I ponder through this. I think when you bring a relationship into the public view, it is another level of deeper connection as you become a pair. Scary?-sure. In our social scene, he sometimes goes out of his way to turn his body language away from me, etc. Then in other moments watches me intently and draws close and engages if my attention is diverted. Or he will tease me endlessly throughout the night about something. I do not take the former personally and revel in the latter. There is a part of me that wants to ask-do you like me "that way," and a part of me that is content with continuing to let the relationship unfolds apace. Either way, I am glad he is a person in my life as I am in the presence of great beauty.