Raising Grandchildren - Advice Needed?

[Loloma]

I am in a bit of a predicament and need some advice. Currently I'm helping my son raise his two stepdaughters. The situation is a little complicated, with their Mum running off with a younger man and the bio father not wanting anything to do with the kids.

My son has custody of the girls and Mum has them four or five days a month, when she's in town. Even that is complicated as she is studying at University when she is here, drops them off in the morning and picks them up round 6 - 7pm in the evening.

The problem is that my son goes out of his way to accommodate her needs, the kids think the sun shines out of her butt, and I am the one stuck in the middle. If the girls aren't happy about something I say, or discipline I give they complain to their mother. It's a viscious circle. One of the girls is about 15 kilo's overweight and the other underweight. Both parents do not help the situation and Mum fills them up with takeaway and rubbish when she has them. I have opted out of this, as I am made out to be the bad guy by helping them watch what they eat.

I get yelled at, or over when I speak to them. Have to put up with tantrums and bad behaviour, get told by Mum that they are only little. They are 11 and 12, don't act their ages, more like teenagers. They have chores but have to be reminded to do them over and over again. Problem is they are spoilt rotten. Have large iMac computers, own TV's, iphones, ipods and everything they want. Having said that I believe this is the parents way of making up for the emotional turmoil they are going through. Throwing money and gifts at them doesn't make up for the attention and affection they are deprived of.

It is obvious that they have abandonment issues. When my son and his wife first separated, she put them on a plane and sent them to the other side of Australia to live with their father. The girls hadn't seen him for over 7 years and didn't really know him. He is remarried for the third time to a young girl and they have a baby boy. The children were used as labour on the farm, working with the animals, cleaning out sheds and so forth. Hence the reason my son got them back and went to court.

Sorry this has turned out to be a long tale. Wasn't meant to be. I plan to get my own place to live in the same suburb in a couple of months so I can keep my sanity. This way I can still look after them and go home to my own place at night. My age and energy levels are not what they used to be.

I know there are others on the forum in a similiar situation, raising other peoples children or family members. Any sound advice would be much appreciated. Help please?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I do not have any words of advice or tips for you. I just wanted to say my heart goes out to you. This is a very complicated situation. You have been very strong to take this on. i feel sorry for all of you. The girls need help. It is good that you are trying to lead them by example. I am sorry you get flak over this.

I hope someone will come along soon who is doing this too, to empathize and advise you. I wish you the very best.

 

[Loloma]

Sorry forgot to say that these girls love me very much, to the point of being very clingy which I understand. I also love them or I wouln't be doing this.

 

[DharmaGirl]

You are in a tough spot! You are awesome for what you do for those girls and I am thinking that by setting boundries, you are teaching the girls a huge lesson. I think they have a difficult life also, and really rely on you to provide a stable environment.

 

[Bill Dickerson]

I have a similar situation with a great niece. She is spoiled by her Grandma who is her Guardian since her Mom died. My Mom the Great Grandma help out a great deal but at times she gets to be a handful. A few times we have asked her not to come over. I should say we didn't babysit for the Grandma since she acted out and wouldn't mind while she was here.

We don't let her get away with crap like the Grandma does. My Niece has learned that if she acts out she can't come over for awhile. This keeps her in line most of the time. All kids test the limits but the parent shouldn't alibi the behavior. I suggest tough love. Tell the Mom that since she isn't allowed to prevent the kids from acting out she will need to find other accommodations. Make sure the kids know you love them too much and your too old to allow them to come over and act out. Let them visit for awhile every so often and eventually they will learn you won't tolerate the bad behavior.

Unfortunately it's the parent who is the problem allowing the behavior. Maybe the tough love will adjust her thinking. It doesn't do anyone any good to be an enabler.

 

[Loloma]

Thanks Bill. I don't think I explained it properly. I live with my son and grandchildren, the mother is gone.

 

[Nicolette]

Loloma, while a grandmother, it sounds as if you have the responsibilities of a parent. It also sounds like you're the bad cop in a relationship where parent's don't agree or compromise to a medium on parenting. It also sounds like what you would experiencing is on par with a parental separation with one parent being the good guy in the children's eyes, as they can do as they please and get spoiled, while the other parent does the hard yards.

I would hate to be in your situation.

Anthony and I came together both having children from previous relationships and different parenting views. I think he pulled his socks up in the end realising that you can't be a friend to your child first and funnily now takes a firmer stance with my son but more relaxed than I would. Interestingly I have probably mellowed a bit due to him.

With Anthony's younger children he realised it is almost impossible to parent if the other parent has substantial influence as you can't do much in a short period of time other than enjoy the time with the children which is a bit like the mother in the situation you describe. Thankfully the one thing Anthony did realise is that even if only a minimal influence, you still have to parent and he learned that buying everything didn't change the respect or courtesy the children gave him and interestingly they gravitated towards me when uncertain even though I was much firmer. My only take on that is I was consistent and there for them despite everything else which occurred and that eventually shone through. I wouldn't give up your path despite it being difficult as you sound like the one who will stand true to the children and be their rock.

Hope this makes sense.

 

[Muzikluvr]

I bought this program [DLMURL]http://www.smartdiscipline.org/[/DLMURL] and it really helped me parent my kids better. It is a clear cut program that allows you to decide what your rules are in your household, and then gives you the tools for enforcing them. I would highly recommend it. I think it cost me about $60, but we corrected a lot of problems with it, including the way that we sometimes enforce rules and sometimes we don't. That is really confusing for the kids.

It gave me an alternative to yelling and lecturing. It asked me to post the rules for all to see... which forced me to really think about what those rules are. It limits to 10 rules, which was plenty really. You can't affect the kids when they're with their mother, or when you move out... when they're with their father. But, if they come to your house for babysitting... you'll have full authority to set the rules in your home, and you'll have the program to help you explain to them that you're serious about your rules being respected. Then, you can focus on creating a relationship of mutual respect with the kids. They really respond well to that, IMHO.

As Bill said, they'll come to understand that the rules are different at Grandma's house, and they'll learn them. It won't matter so much that everywhere else they're being bought off instead of loved. (Sorry for the snideness... my family did that to me too and I do resent it.) Good luck to you! I wish you well!

 

[Nicolette]

Muz I think the current problem is that Loloma and her son are still living under the same roof so there is no place yet for 'my home, my rules'... is that correct Loloma?

 

[Muzikluvr]

It would be the best time to invest in the program, IMHO, because Loloma and her son could go through the simple steps to set up the program there. In this way, she will help her son become a better father too. He may not follow the program, or he may give it up when she moves out... but, he may not. And, it would be beneficial for the kids to know what is tolerated and what is not, and what will happen if they break the rules. We really found that the main problem was that we hadn't been clear about what the rules were, nor did we both agree on them! So the program helped us discuss and determine the rules and put them in place.

It's pretty simplistic really, funny how filling out someone else's forms and seeing examples of good rules to set really helps. Well, it's just a suggestion.

 

[Nicolette]

Never heard of it before Muzkilvur. My son is almost 21 now though. :nailbiting: Thankfully a good, decent and loyal person turning into a young man I am proud of.

 

[Loloma]

Muz I think the current problem is that Loloma and her son are still living under the same roof so there is no place yet for 'my home, my rules'... is that correct Loloma?

Absolutely correct Nicolette, So I am in effect both the grandmother and mother as mother is only round about 5 to 8 days a month. Then she only has them at night. Drops them off in the morning before school and picks them up between 6 or 7pm at night. So basically when it suits her.

My son is the childrens stepfather. It's complicated, isn't it aways!