Mashed Potatoes
Bronze Member
Sorry Y'all, I think this is going to be a general rant. As I was typing the title I could even feel myself going deeper down the rabbit hole so who knows where this will end up.
I've been going to my church for two years now. It was put on my heart to be baptized. Our church submerses in a tub and before that, you fill out paperwork, answer questions, and schedule a video shoot at the church media room to do your testimony, which they cull down and play at your baptism before the 'dunk'. I thought I'd be fine with it at first but my speech is getting so much worse when I'm anxious, triggered, or what have you. I really don't know why it does it.
Just this morning, I wrote to the girl at church because I had to have the paperwork back by Feb 10 for the april baptism. I just said 'personal reasons' for not being able to make the deadline and that I needed more time. She wrote back urging me to do it and that I could get it done still. I felt tightness in my chest and started stuttering when talking about it. I wrote back and simply told her it was because of this thing happening, the stuttering and mixing up of words, that I couldn't do it because of the video. I asked for more time and maybe to be baptized at the next time they do it. I don't even know if I'll ever be able to do it though.
I am so frustrated with all of this. I know I wrote about aphasia before. Someone suggested I go to the occupational therapist. I really don't have the money but truly I don't know if I want to.
I know that sounds weird, why would you not want to get help? I started counseling when I was just a little kid because of my mom leaving us with our abusive dad. I remember kicking walls when I was little. I went for the abuse, the molestation, the rapes. In my teen / early adult years I went for those things, for the overdoses I always used to do, all of the things brought up again. I haven't overdosed in decades now. I went after the four year abusive marriage that ended on the front pages of a newspaper. I went after that same man then murdered my ex in laws. I went thru EMDR for that and for my whole life again being put in the newspapers throughout the case. I spent 18 years with an emotionally abusive person where I ended up in a bare room with a mattress on the floor and him cutting off my heat in an effort to control what I did. I went for that. I went for losing my son. I don't want to talk about it anymore. The last person I saw simply told me that after all I had been through there are effects I would be left to live with... the steel toe boots to the head, the strangling, the many times I was brought to uncouncisoulness and don't know what happened, the being thrown into walls, the glass crashing into my face while the baseball bat came thru the car window. Too much. Too many head injruies, Things i can't change. I hear permanent bells in my ears, I talk wierd sometimes, I am overly affectionalte and not at all, depending ont he sitatuiona. I am not trusting and overly trusting.
I am me.
I just wish peeople in my life would undertaand.
I've been going to my church for two years now. It was put on my heart to be baptized. Our church submerses in a tub and before that, you fill out paperwork, answer questions, and schedule a video shoot at the church media room to do your testimony, which they cull down and play at your baptism before the 'dunk'. I thought I'd be fine with it at first but my speech is getting so much worse when I'm anxious, triggered, or what have you. I really don't know why it does it.
Just this morning, I wrote to the girl at church because I had to have the paperwork back by Feb 10 for the april baptism. I just said 'personal reasons' for not being able to make the deadline and that I needed more time. She wrote back urging me to do it and that I could get it done still. I felt tightness in my chest and started stuttering when talking about it. I wrote back and simply told her it was because of this thing happening, the stuttering and mixing up of words, that I couldn't do it because of the video. I asked for more time and maybe to be baptized at the next time they do it. I don't even know if I'll ever be able to do it though.
I am so frustrated with all of this. I know I wrote about aphasia before. Someone suggested I go to the occupational therapist. I really don't have the money but truly I don't know if I want to.
I know that sounds weird, why would you not want to get help? I started counseling when I was just a little kid because of my mom leaving us with our abusive dad. I remember kicking walls when I was little. I went for the abuse, the molestation, the rapes. In my teen / early adult years I went for those things, for the overdoses I always used to do, all of the things brought up again. I haven't overdosed in decades now. I went after the four year abusive marriage that ended on the front pages of a newspaper. I went after that same man then murdered my ex in laws. I went thru EMDR for that and for my whole life again being put in the newspapers throughout the case. I spent 18 years with an emotionally abusive person where I ended up in a bare room with a mattress on the floor and him cutting off my heat in an effort to control what I did. I went for that. I went for losing my son. I don't want to talk about it anymore. The last person I saw simply told me that after all I had been through there are effects I would be left to live with... the steel toe boots to the head, the strangling, the many times I was brought to uncouncisoulness and don't know what happened, the being thrown into walls, the glass crashing into my face while the baseball bat came thru the car window. Too much. Too many head injruies, Things i can't change. I hear permanent bells in my ears, I talk wierd sometimes, I am overly affectionalte and not at all, depending ont he sitatuiona. I am not trusting and overly trusting.
I am me.
I just wish peeople in my life would undertaand.
