Sexual Assault Rape Or Advantage

[intheprocess]

I am a survivor of long term incest, molestation from a couple of boys, inappropriate touch from a friend's dad, a stranger rape. I am wondering-How about if I wouldn't normally let a guy in my pants when sober and then when drunk allow it? Penetration with no foreplay. Painful. Angry right after it happened and told the stranger, from a bar, off.

 

[BlueDream]

I would say your drunk mind is reliving your tramma, and maybe you should lay off the liquor until you can trust your drink mind not to put you through more tramma.
Just a random opinion, I hope you are ok!!

 

[RussH]

I think the key word is allow. If you are drunk, but not passed out and you allow it- give permission, then he is taking advantage of the situation, but I don't think you can call it rape.

 

[Marylost]

There's a fine line between rape and advantage in my opinion. Especially if the guy was a lot more sober than you. It seems that drinking and sex can come hand in hand, but it's what you and both parties find safe and acceptable is what counts. Trust me, I've been there. If both parties are in the same state of annebriatuon then it seems that anything goes, but maybe not what you would chose to do sober. And maybe not right at all! Alcohol is a drug after all. It makes you do things you normally wouldn't do.

What I most certainly don't agree with is one party getting the other party drunk, with the sole intention of sex. That's wrong on so so many levels.

I'm so very sorry that you had such traumatic experiences in your life, I hope you're getting some counselling for it. Just be careful who you share your stories with. I've told a few people and regretted it. It's much safer here of course. I experienced sexually abuse also.

 

[Chava]

I assume this is a hypothetical-type post???

when drunk allow it?

Agree the "allow" part is the key here. It's called losing your inhibitions. My normal boundaries went to crap in new ways when drunk. I also fought off a guy when drunk (but that didn't work well). That's different. If I allowed it, it could still be a sort of fawn or give-up response, or just a case of lowered inhibitions and feeling a little shitty about it the next day. Drunk dialing, sex, it all goes to hell with a bunch of drinks. But "allow" is key. And if it's the fawning type of allow, it's understandable the average drunk guy wouldn't notice it, which also sucks.

There are some gray areas between consent, taken advantage of, and rape. For me consent means I'm involved, like actually participating...I can do that and regret it when sober (I've been sober many years, so no longer a problem here). Taken advantage of would imply possibly manipulation, or having sex with someone who can't really participate or even consent much (extremely drunk). Rape would be zero participation (like passed out or not allowing or participating...passive due to intoxication), or saying no or fighting to any wimpy degree.

Just how I explain it to myself. I also say I was assaulted in one of these cases because I don't know what parts were involved....too drunk and blacked out or passed out (but had said no and tried to hold my pants up...fight? f*ck no, impossible)

 

[Marylost]

I once had a guy pulled off me by someone else when I was too drunk to fight him off... Let's just say it was below the belt, I was passed out and he wasn't. He was drunk, but that doesn't make him less of a rapist! There are a lot of grey areas, thus one was clearly obviously not one. It was as black and white as night and day. Just please be careful.

 

[Friday]

I've had bad sex, regrettable sex, & Ive been raped. They are three wildly different things.

 

[Marylost]

Yes, very very different @ combustiblelemon, that sums it up well, a very big difference. There are still some grey areas that people come across. Rape isn't a grey area it's black and white.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

If you allowed it, I don't think it was rape. Maybe he did take advantage of you. I'm guessing by "allow" you mean you didn't say no and you didn't fight him off? Rather, it was the alcohol that lowered your inhibitions.

 

[Casey_03]

Avoid alcohol altogether. Alcohol is no friend to people who've suffered sexual abuse. I have been there. It sounds like the guy definitely took advantage of you, but even if he hadn't and even if this incident never happened, alcohol is very dangerous if you're still trying to work through your traumas. It will play tricks on you and confuse you and set you back years in recovery.

 

[Marylost]

I agree with casey_03. Alcohol confuses things so much.

 

[GWhizz]

It completely depends on the circumstances.

Did they know you didn't want to do it? Were you of age to consent? Were you intimidated? Had they done it to you before? And so on...

After a while of being raped by a certain person, I eventually forfeited and submitted. I get angry at myself for 'allowing' it. But I only allowed it because I knew the alternative of fighting it was more harmful. I did what I could to survive it. I also dissociated to escape it and ease the pain.

I think the OP needs to offer a little more clarity if seeking definition of the situation.