Re-experiencing For Connection Reasons

[falling_wave]

My T made me aware a few weeks ago that constantly re-playing conversations or interactions with someone mentally has a purpose. Your mind does this to hold on to connections. It really makes sense and this is happening to me to the point of constant panic sensations. I am wondering with this knowledge how do I let go of my minds automatic replaying these experiences (all the time) so I can be in the present. Any suggestions would be incredibly helpful.

 

[Learn2Live]

I had this same problem and I made some progress with two things: distractions and self-care. Distractions can come in several forms; music, creative hobbies or interests, walking outside and appreciating nature, meeting briefly with friends, reading or browsing through places that feel good and safe.

Self-care is somewhat more fundamental, but always a "strategy" too. Doing things in your immediate environment like picking up and putting your daily mess away, washing dishes, doing laundry, cleaning or vacuuming. Then there is exercise, bathing, caring for your appearance, and putting yourself first.

I would mentally rehearse conversations, get angry over and over again-all the while being tired of a revolving mental loop. Then I decided that I was going to have to pull away from it, thought by thought, day by day. A peaceful space opens up in the mind sporadically, little by little. I had to practice, then practice some more. It's a process and requires commitment. Mostly to yourself and to a new way of living.

You can do it and you'll feel so much different and better when you realize you've gained some freedom.

 

[falling_wave]

@Learn2Live I am so glad that someone gets it! I want freedom from this more than anything but part of me can't let go of that connection like pain of rehearsing it will earn me that connection back. When I think about it like that it seems twisted which I guess is a good sign. I know you are right about the basic self care. I've been doing the emotional conversations a lot and it makes me tired and then I'm lazy to do chores. I have laundry going right now, food in the oven, and dishes washed and I feel like I can to rarity breathe. Still looking for ways to release my mind from its own prison but it's step by step. Thanks!

 

[Learn2Live]

falling wave, sounds like a lot of good progress! We can't always be motivated, but occasionally, it happens. Good for you!

One thing that helped me to "let go" was to get underneath my most frequent feeling, which was anger. I discovered a very deep well of sadness. And curiously, once I felt that, I no longer felt the anger. If you can possibly allow yourself to visit the place which is next to, or underneath that sense of anxiety or connection, you may find something which you've always known, but didn't want to face.

I recently discovered something about the whole concept of "connection." Because I had so little connection growing up, I became very self-reliant. This was not necessarily a good thing. I didn't know HOW to "do" relationships. So, I confused the length of time someone has known me for loyalty and love. In reality, two people who have known me for 40 years, hurt me repeatedly, by minimizing my feelings, disrespecting boundaries, and not leaving space in their lives for me consistently. Still, I thought OMG, but after all, they've known me so LONG, I have to keep these people around.

Funny thing though. As I started to care for myself more, I began to see just what I was enduring, and finally didn't want to do it. This leaves me time, space and a little peace to engage with others who treat me well. Sure, it's scary and is outside the comfort zone, but I'm making new habits and practicing self-compassion.

 

[falling_wave]

@Learn2Live I get the length of time and loyalty correlation. I think about that a lot. I know this isn't true logically but deep down I feel unloveable. I cut my family out years ago but they didn't love me. I've never had a real relationship and friends don't stick by me. My therapist said that she can't see any reason or thing I could work on from why I might be causing it. She just said it will take time. I'm also very self reliant and independent but when I miss someone or am afraid of dissapointing them I think feeling deep down beyond my logic unloveable keeps me in that space. I hang on to that anxious feeling because I'm so scared of having no one at all proving my worst fear. It's sounds so pathetic but I think that's it. I'm just not sure what to do with that. Thanks for helping me find that insight.

 

[Learn2Live]

I think feeling deep down beyond my logic unloveable keeps me in that space.

Feeling unloveable or unworthy of love is (in my opinion) a faulty core belief that was formed within an adverse childhood. As "right" as it seems, it is faulty in reality. It sounds like we both grew up without mirrors to tell us we were special, beautiful, unique and wonderful people. So, we turned on ourselves and came to an erroneous conclusion that it was true. We were not worthy of love, and it was a fact of life.

This is a cognitive distortion, according to the neuro-linguistic theory and I do believe that this distortion is the primary one which has to be addressed. The logic possessed by a child with little experience and the logic of an adult are on opposite ends of the spectrum. As difficult as it is to think that no one loves us, it is even more painful to reject and abandon one's self.

So, in my experience, the healing starts with coming to embrace the inner essence of my own being. Is it loveable? YES! Is it worthy? YES! Am I here for a purpose? YES! If I don't always feel or know that purpose, can I still live and go forward? YES!

What can I find to love about myself? I make a list of everything I'm grateful for, of everything I'm proud of, things I've created, done or am able to do, including marching on in the face of uncertainty and adversity. I get up and try, even after a long period of feeling defeated. I believe that tomorrow presents a fresh start and the choice to try again. Then, I keep that list of things in order to remind myself that it is not as bleak as I feel sometimes.

As incomprehensible as it sounds sometimes, we have a choice on how we are going to view things. What is going to take time is to believe all those things on the list and eventually, believe that the list represents an adult reality that overrides my childhood perceptions. Day by day, I choose compassion and love towards myself so I can "train" my brain to accept is as the new normal. Still working on it too.