Re-learning self-efficacy (putting out fires and fixing leaky boats)

[Sophy (in lockdown)]

So, my brain woke up at 7:30 am, cos that's been my sleep pattern at IOP.

And I'm not too dysregulated, probly cos of mouth taping.

So that's a good result

But, my brain's also like WTF do I do now?

Ugh. I literally have no idea.

 

[Sophy (in lockdown)]

So, gold stars for doing the first part of Day One's new sleep hygiene strategy and for it going less badly than I feared it would.

And lots of hearts for trying to stay positive about it even tho it doesn't feel that way

And some lions for facing my fears about it

And some unicorns for eating breakfast in a stressful situation

And some hugs cos of feeling so overwhelmed and sad

And some homes cos of feeling lost

And some suns for feeling hope that it might go better in the coming days and weeks

 

[Sophy (in lockdown)]

Went to the animal shelter and picked a cat that we'll be getting in 1 - 2 weeks. Also signed up as a member there and as a volunteer, which I've been meaning to do for ages. Did it calmly and without feeling overwhelmed.

Had lunch

Also cleaned chicken coop

Handled a challenging/ triggery situation with housemate well and stayed calm and regulated

 

[Sophy (in lockdown)]

Ugh... Had a rest instead of doing more work... Felt/ feel guilty about it, but managed to have a rest anyway

Nearly spiralled into negative self-talk about it, but so far have managed to stop it getting too bad

(So hard tho)

 

[Sophy (in lockdown)]

Whoops, I've neglected this because things got stressful and I had too much work to do. Sigh.

I need to start it up again tho, because I'm struggling with this stuff.

 

[Sophy (in lockdown)]

Really struggling with the effects of having been raised by a narcissistic perp and the never ending scathing criticism.

It's ingrained the message "NOTHING YOU DO WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH" in my brain so deeply.

And trying to excel at stuff, giving 150% all the time is such a drug... It's addictive to think that if you try harder and harder, then MAYBE what you do WILL finally be good enough.

But it never lasts. No matter what you achieve, you can't sustain perfection round the clock, so inevitably you end up back at "nothing I do will ever be good enough".

Ultimately, I need to find a way to move on from this dynamic entirely.

I can't let the legacy of this childhood trauma and abuse taint my life forever.

But until I figure out how, I'm going to have to try and just give positive feedback and internal validation to myself for the things I achieve.

 

[Sophy (in lockdown)]

So far today:

- Made a challenging phone call
- Had breakfast
- Didn't spiral into stress straight after waking up
- Have an achievable plan for the day
- Have gotten some rest
- Re-started this journal

 

[Sophy (in lockdown)]

So, went to give the chickens food and water and had a weird experience, which I actually have all the time, but I paid attention to it today and noticed how weird it is.

I dunno how to describe it, cos I was going to say it's like being yelled at inside my own brain, but I'm not hearing voices. It's more that I "know" and "remember" being screamed at and can *feel* being screamed at. But that's obviously a vague (albeit intense) feeling, so I was trying to figure out "what the screaming was about" or "what is being screamed".

And it's the abusive stuff from my childhood, screaming that everything I do is wrong, everything is my fault, that things will go badly because I've done everything wrong, that I will be punished, that I'm a bad person... It's just relentless screaming and screeching at maximum intensity that everything I do is wrong and bad and not enough.

During times when I'm feeling okay, that stuff goes into the background and sometimes it's pretty much gone.

But during times like these when I'm struggling with depression, the volume of that screaming gets turned up really high and is impossible to ignore.

I think I'm going to call the screaming "The Banshees of Narcissistic Abuse" because it feels like it's coming from all sides at once.

It was so weird to realise that's what's going on, to have imagery of it that I can grasp...

Walking to and from the chicken coop felt like walking through a maze of screaming banshees... like some surreal fantasy film.

Surrounded by banshees

Picturing the imagery to the internalise abuse screaming actually made it kind of amusing/ funny.

Imagining myself walking through the relentless screaming made it obvious how ridiculous it is and how irrelevant and that's it's just a useless echo of abuse from childhood.

It's hard to ignore it, but it is possible. It just takes a really concerted effort.

Not quite sure how to proceed with it, cos it's such a new realisation.

 

[Sophy (in lockdown)]

- Gave chickens food and water despite banshee screaming about how awful I am

 

[Teasel]

Well done

 

[Sophy (in lockdown)]

- Dealing well so far with the fact that I only got 3 hours sleep last night (and usually that undoes me).
- Called vet to get cat's blood test results
- Drove to vet's to pick up a copy of blood test results to take to the animal clinic
- Dealt with housemate behaving like an asshole - re-affirmed boundaries

 

[Sophy (in lockdown)]

So, for the 2nd day in a row, I got up early and went for an hour long walk.

Went on my own, without the dogs, just starting the day for me, investing in my physical health.

As you'd expect, it's been a mix of challenging and helpful.

I'm trying to focus on self-kindness with it - not being self-critical.

What I'm struggling a bit with atm is that I'm quite tired when I get home and after I've showered, I've gone back to bed on both days.

But then, the past few months I've been sleeping in and not getting anything done anyway, so at least this way I get up early and get exercise.

I assume it'll eventually get a bit better - that I'll eventually feel less tired and maybe get some stuff done when I get back home.

It's been a nicer way to start the day than usual tho - cos usually my mind starts racing as soon as I wake up, thinking about all the (crappy) tasks I have to do and all the items on my to-do list.

So waking up and doing something "just for me" has been a good way to break through that pattern.

I've also found quite a nice place to walk. It's a 5 minute drive away and I can just walk along a river for half an hour and then turn back. It's nice and quiet - hardly anyone about - and scenic and calm. And the river is soothing. A nice place to try and clear my head a bit.

I hope I can keep it up. Sticking to things is not really my forte.

Anyway, giving myself gold stars for:

- getting up early despite not wanting to
- getting exercise even tho I find it challenging
- managing to be relatively kind to myself about it
- dealing with the tiredness fallout from getting up early and from exercising