Re-learning self-efficacy (putting out fires and fixing leaky boats)

OMG it is like being in a Charlie Chaplin film. One time I was being dragged by an animal eager for the feed - I was holding her collar walking her to her pen because she didn't want to go and she realized there was food involved and started running full tilt and my hand was stuck bc she took off so fast I somehow got my finger in her collar loop and it had just rained and I ended up on my rear in the mud w piles of animals standing around me looking at me like 'Um- you OK?' My boots were full of mud, I had mud splashed all over my face, etc. And it was typical farm mud - which means it had tons of poop in it. I was sitting there in the mud laughing, with a cat on my shoulder and a dog licking my face and a car full of men who were supposed to work on my fence drove up. Oh that was a day that should have been caught on film.

Uh huh :laugh: :roflmao:

I do stuff like that all the time... I'm clumsy and I also find stuff like that amusing.
So it happens a lot, and I don't go out of my way to prevent it.

So yah. My life is a Charlie Chaplin film on most days.

I kinda like it. It's also a lot like living inside a Monty Python film.

I figure there are worse types of film to be stuck in, in life :)
 
Oh, speaking of minimising :bag:

Forgot to add: Spoke to a suicidal friend today (he's been suicidal for a long time and is in therapy). He was having a tough day.

I think I need to start adding things like that to my list of what I achieved.

We spoke for an hour.

I always think that's just "normal" and "anyone would help a friend in need".

But most people I know don't end up speaking to a suicidal friend for an hour, to help them cope with what they're going through.

I feel weird tho, putting that on a list of "stuff I did".

Cos I was just being caring.

Caring isn't an "achievement" is it?

But I think I need to kinda notice this stuff.

Cos at the end of the day I'm tired and I think "You got pretty much nothing done today Sophy... Why are you so tired?!"

Hmmm.
 

Chris-duck

MyPTSD Pro
Dealing with people who are suicidal is exhausting though. Like I get what you mean where there's nothing to show for it (Oh look, theyre still alive, yay), but it is a big thing that takes a lot out of people. I think especially in the mentally ill world, suicidal shit stops sounding like the big thing that it is, but it's still a big thing, it's just something we get used to I guess?
 
Haha, no I don't mean there's nothing to show for it :laugh:
I'm super glad he's still alive :)

But I feel like it's just "being a friend" to him.

And normally I wouldn't write down a one hour phone call with a friend on a list of "stuff I got done today".

But if the reason we talked is cos he was suicidal... then it's kinda not just "talked to a friend on the phone for an hour" is it :rolleyes:
 
So I'm making a note here, cos I figured out something important today, re "motivation".

All my motivation is based around avoiding danger/ making sure I'm safe.

Everything else "doesn't matter" to my brain.

Things like "doing the dishes" are not "safety relevant" so I can find zero motivation to do them.

I need to work on slowly retraining my brain to discover other types of motivation that are not purely based on danger/ safety.
 
So I'm re-activating this journal, cos I need to start keeping a daily log of what I achieve each day.

I've had an awful episode of depression this year and just come out of a 9 week IOP/ partial-inpatient stay and I need to start from scratch and take the tiniest of babysteps in getting back a functional daily routine and managing to do simple things like the dishes or a load of washing without bursting into tears and having a meltdown.

During this episode of depression, the worst of which has gone from February until now, I've been doing absolutely terrible internal self-talk. Like, scathingly negative.

I'm usually not *that* bad at internal self-talk, but this year it's been an unmitigated disaster. Brutal, really.

During IOP, I realised that it's been a form of re-enacting some of the more subtle elements of my childhood trauma. The abuse and violence and chaos and neglect was always accompanied by scathing comments... And I've always kind of minimised the verbal abuse, because it seemed "less bad" than the other abuse.

But the internalised version of it this year has really made me realise how damaging it was - and still is.

So in an attempt to somehow turn my self-talk from horrible towards positive, I'm going to try and list *every* achievement each day and to add emoji-stickers to try and emotionally validate how hard won these achievements are during a major depressive episode.
 
Today's achievements:

Handled the final day of IOP gracefully and calmly. Talked to everyone and said goodbyes and thanked people for their support. Dealt with all the administrative stuff. Was "appropriately emotional" - not over-emotional and not emotionally numb. Feels like I handled it competently. And that's a nice note for it to have ended on and it's a nice start for returning back to normal life.
⭐♥️🏆🧘‍♀️

Went Nordic Walking at IOP for an hour, so got exercise and fresh air. 🏃‍♀️🌳

Did progressive muscle relaxation at IOP, so did self-care and stress-relief 🦄🧘‍♀️

Had a nap when I got home, which counts as self-care and stress-relief too 🦄🧘‍♀️

Got up after having a nap, which is a major achievement for me, cos it feels like the absolutely last thing I want to do ⭐♥️🏋️‍♀️

Took the dogs for a long walk, which was also a major achievement, cos I didn't feel like it at all 🐶🐶🏃‍♀️🌳⭐♥️

Went to the shops to buy some stuff for our chickens and to get some bread, also an achievement cos I didn't want to do it
🐔🦄⭐♥️

Was careful not to spend too much money at the shops 💶⭐

Had a rest when I got home and didn't get into a frenzy of overdoing work and errands and didn't exhaust myself (balance) ⚖️🦄

Started this achievement journal ⭐♥️

Emailed my accountant 📑 ⭐♥️

Called the vet to make an appointment 🐱♥️

Paid a bill 💶📑

Fed animals (This is a really challenging task for me at the moment, cos I'm only managing to do "the basics" and I *hate* that I'm only doing the basics so it really messes with my mind big time, so this is one of the tasks/ achievements that I need the most positive reinforcement for, cos it's what I do the worst negative self-talk about).
🐶🐱🐹🐔⭐♥️⭐♥️⭐♥️⭐♥️
 
Did some weights training suggested by my phyisotherapist to help with my shoulder and neck pain 🦄 🏋️‍♀️

Spent some quality time with pets (playing, cuddling) 🐶♥️

Drank more water today 🦄🥤

Made myself a healthy dinner 🥦🦄

Made a decision to stop all chores/ work/ tasks at 9 pm today, because I could feel myself getting anxious about them. So that's good boundaries 🚧🦄

Brushed my teeth 🦷🦄

Used accupressure mat 🦄🧘‍♀️

Used progressive muscle relaxation CD 🦄🧘‍♀️

Used meditation CD 🦄🧘‍♀️

Did nightly mouth taping 😴🦄


My goals for tomorrow:

Go to hardware store and buy wood

Go to animal shelter and get a cat

Clean chicken coop
 
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