D
Deleted member 47099
One of the things that childhood trauma damaged most badly is my sense of self-efficacy.
Self-efficacy - Wikipedia
I understand self-efficacy to mean the innate belief that if I do something, then I will achieve *some kind* of positive outcome, most of the time.
Like - if I eat a sandwich, I will stop being hungry, I will have more energy, it will help me achieve my other goals.
I have a *lot* of trouble with this.
Childhood trauma basically taught me that "no matter what I do" trauma/ abuse/ neglect will continue.
And I think on some deep level, that's taught me that it's irrelevant what I do... no matter how much I try, there will be no positive outcome.
I want to try and un-learn that and to try and re-learn self-efficacy.
So I'm hoping (!!!) to use this journal as a sort of "journal of achievements" to help prove to my PTSD brain that taking positive action is connected to getting positive outcomes, much of the time.
Right now, it feels like a crazy undertaking, cos my brain is convinced it can't/ won't work. :meh:
But I figure it's worth a try.
During trauma and during the post-trauma phase, my life felt like I was sitting in a leaky boat, and water was leaking in, and I was using a bucket to get the water out, but it was leaking in, just as fast as I could empty it.
Or like I was putting out fires, but just as quickly as I could put them out, new fires would start smoldering and burning in another corner.
Or - this was an image that used to haunt me a lot during trauma - like I was sitting in a circle of 20 screaming babies and it was my job to soothe them all - and I'd be running from one crying baby to the next and just when I'd soothed one, another two would start crying, and so on, endlessly.
There's a big theme of "infinity" and "infinite tasks" to all this.
And I *always* feel like my to-do list is infinite.
And that if I do one task on my to-do list, then it's infinity minus one long, which is still infinity.
And if I do ten tasks on my to-do list, then it's infinity minus ten long, which is also still infinity.
:rolleyes:
Self-efficacy - Wikipedia
I understand self-efficacy to mean the innate belief that if I do something, then I will achieve *some kind* of positive outcome, most of the time.
Like - if I eat a sandwich, I will stop being hungry, I will have more energy, it will help me achieve my other goals.
I have a *lot* of trouble with this.
Childhood trauma basically taught me that "no matter what I do" trauma/ abuse/ neglect will continue.
And I think on some deep level, that's taught me that it's irrelevant what I do... no matter how much I try, there will be no positive outcome.
I want to try and un-learn that and to try and re-learn self-efficacy.
So I'm hoping (!!!) to use this journal as a sort of "journal of achievements" to help prove to my PTSD brain that taking positive action is connected to getting positive outcomes, much of the time.
Right now, it feels like a crazy undertaking, cos my brain is convinced it can't/ won't work. :meh:
But I figure it's worth a try.
During trauma and during the post-trauma phase, my life felt like I was sitting in a leaky boat, and water was leaking in, and I was using a bucket to get the water out, but it was leaking in, just as fast as I could empty it.
Or like I was putting out fires, but just as quickly as I could put them out, new fires would start smoldering and burning in another corner.
Or - this was an image that used to haunt me a lot during trauma - like I was sitting in a circle of 20 screaming babies and it was my job to soothe them all - and I'd be running from one crying baby to the next and just when I'd soothed one, another two would start crying, and so on, endlessly.
There's a big theme of "infinity" and "infinite tasks" to all this.
And I *always* feel like my to-do list is infinite.
And that if I do one task on my to-do list, then it's infinity minus one long, which is still infinity.
And if I do ten tasks on my to-do list, then it's infinity minus ten long, which is also still infinity.
:rolleyes: