Re-traumatised - Depression - S I -now Anxiety & Meds Question

[Flossy]

I was doing well last year. My mother died in August. ( A relief). This exposed me to my toxic family again and I tried to heal the wounds for over six months. Then cut off contact again after witnessing their distorted, thinking all over again.


My brother's sexual abuse of me and predatory behaviour of my girlfriends was raised within the family and it all turned to denial and a shit storm.

The result of all this was a spiral down into a deep depression, then SI about 6 or 8 times a day.

I changed med by adding Zyban/Buproprion and this has lifted the depresion.

However, I am now in a stage of very high anxiety. In my good times I could deal with anxiety by taking Benzo 15mg at night to fall into sleep and slept well. In the last four weeks I feel the terror start within an hour or two of waking and find I need a small dose Benzo then. Last week I took half four times a day. Total of 60mg of Oxazepam.

I have needed less this weekend. I am trying to make myself cry and to make myself do my throat gurgling which release the anxiety.

My question is does anyone have experience of an anti-anxiety med that works as well as benzos?

I find them great. I never get addicted but I guess I am influenced by the med professions worry over physical addiction.

My husband encourages me to just take a quarter or a half as a bandaid solution while going through the profess of getting past the retraumatising event in the last 8 months.

I have struggled with this issue for a while. I wish there was no stigma attached to benzo use and I could trust myself to take it PRN without guilt as prescribed.

I think the answer is that I need to trust myself. But I would love to hear some personal experiences.

I have PTSD, Major Depression and anxiety. The depression is endogenous. My father and his two sisters suffered it.

I dont want to suffer any more than PTSD already causes me to suffer.

I am not at a stage I can manage the discipline of exercise yet.

There is also another underlying health issue that is very distressing and causes fear, that has not cleared up yet. It will in time. But it adds to fear and anxiety.

 

[Truthful_Whispers]

Maybe Xanax or Clonazepam. Use caution, though, as some emergency anti anxiety drugs are addictive.

 

[Flossy]

@FridayJones Was it you who has experience with anti-anxiety meds you could offer thoughts on this?

I know there was someone I often relate with who spoke of this before.

I guess I want to know if it's reasonable and OK to just accept that I have a med that works for me when I need it, I dont abuse it and I dont get addicted to it. I guess I want reassurance that I won't need it forever and my current use is due to the re-traumatisation.
I guess I want someone to tell me if it is working and there are no problems attached to it and I am hypervigilant about usage, then there is no reason to look for something to replace it. I have my doctors full support on this, but as he is an asshole on other areas of my healthcare, I sometimes lack confidence in his opinion. He is European and can be chauvinistic. I do know he is alert to anyone who is drug seeking or an addict and has told me "just take the mediation, Flossy. How hard do you want life to be.".(not my real name). When I struggle with the concept of needing medication. So I guess he is sensible, I am only hearing the negative views of other doctors.

 

[Chava]

The benzos are not good meds long term, whether you are an addictive person or not. But I know they can be helpful short term. In my family they have been used more related to panic attacks, so not regularly. For continual daily anxiety, I'd be concerned, but I am a really addictive type of person. I can't take benzos. So I can't say much more on that. But has your bupropion been adjusted? Is it too high? Would your doctor consider some atypical anxiety meds like anti-psychotics or anti-convulsants? Gabapentin seems to help me relax. I'm sure it's not as effective as most benzos but it is pretty safe to take.

Most importantly, I'm working with the unmanageable energy through therapy and switching up things in my daily life. I hear you don't feel disciplined enough to exercise (I will add that just starting is the hard part for many people, so don't rule it out...maybe there is someone who could walk with your or take a class and help you with the commitment part). Are you in therapy (sorry if I missed this)? Are there other ways you are working with this anxious energy? Benzos can be helpful short term, but with PTSD that is often assuming there are non-med routes to working on the issues that are causing the anxiety. It's certainly not uncommon to swing out of depression and into anxiety, panic, and/or anger (like moving out of freeze into fight-flight energy). And all of that needs to find it's way out of your body.

 

[Flossy]

@Chava Thank you. I found your post helpful. I dont think there are any issues causing the anxiety, I think it is just a progression from the depressive episode. "moving out of freeze into fight-flight energy" put it perfectly.

"All of that needs to find it's way out of your body" solidified for me that I need to use the releasing technique that works for me to open up and relax my throat. I also need to make myself cry to release the sadness and fear. Then I feel sure the willingness to walk will kick in quickly. I can even cry and walk at the same time, which I have done.

I am not in therapy at the moment. I feel sure I simply need to put into practise what I have learned. Starting at the beginning again. Getting the fear, sadness, pain out. I have to accept that there can be cycles to PTSD and just use what I have done before and not assume I will not have to repeat the process. Duh!

I appreciate your input which helped me to clarify what I know to work for me.

 

[Chava]

If you have a process that works for you, that is great. I have to be really careful with sadness, and not push it. Sometimes there is anger under sadness and I don't deal well with that on my own (trying to hold that for therapy). I hope you can work through your anxious part of your cycle safely.

 

[joeylittle]

The benzos are not good meds long term, whether you are an addictive person or not.

Just to say, I've had PRN (as needed) prescriptions for benzos (various) since 2010. I barely use them, but for the times I cannot just lock it down, the anxiety, or the remembering, or suicidality, even - I use a benzo. I've actually got no real sense of what they even feel like, since I'm so worked up when I use them - I just know they make it possible for me to help myself in other ways.

I have them prescribed to me generally in small amounts, and that's so I never have a stockpile (for safety).

So, I think I'd just add a little more detail to @Chava's quote, above, and say that they are not good as a long-term solution to an otherwise manageable problem. It's important to work your ass off to get as strong as you can, without them. But, when you know you cannot do it without some help, it's nice to know its there. @Flossy, it seems like that's your stance on them - so I'd personally say, as long as they are helping you do the work you need to do, then they are serving a purpose.

 

[Chava]

@joeylittle ...that makes sense to me. I can't use benzos ever, but you're not using them as a regular daily anxiety med either. I think that's where people get in trouble on various levels. I've seen it happen with withdrawals and also becoming less and less tolerant to stressors and more dependent on benzos in non addicts. In these cases it reminds me of using something like tramadol or a stronger opiate for chronic pain...it dulls the pain but does nothing to relieve the source and over time you just need more of it and become less pain tolerant. It's a good med for the really bad days. But for me it's not a good every day med that only works by increasing doses over time.

If @Flossy can use her benzo safely as needed, that's great. But I think it's smart to track how we're doing. Anxiety...not actually a big problem for me. Panic I can do without meds too (basically because I have to). But I know gabapentin takes the edge off, so we all probably find what helps us actually move out of our stress bubble vs stay stuck too much or totally overwhelmed or immobilized.

 

[Flossy]

I can see now, that I can actually use the 'need' for benzo as a signal that I need to revert to the other stress- control methods that work for me.

For me, that is anything that opens up my throat and gut. Gurgling in the shower, silent screaming, Yelling and swearing in the car. (this becomes hilarious and makes me laugh when my husband and I do it together.)

Only after posting in another thread this morning where a member talked about the possibility of visiting her dying abusing brother, did I truly accept that doing just that 8 months ago has taken me back to a level of PTSD symptoms I had not had for 2-3 years.

Time to do some bag punching, burying reminders in the back yard and opening up my tightly closed throat. I know it is tightly closed from feeling as though if I open my mouth I will never stop saying the truth out loud for them all to face and screaming at them. (my family)

As they are not allowed in my life now and the main abuser is dead, I still need to say it and scream it out. All over again, just for me.

I also do my own form of mindfulness but I dont call it that. We learn every day. We are so lucky.

Strangely, benzos for me work best as when I do all the other things and keep the monsters at bay, I have no anxiety.

I am, however, addicted to carbs and seriously need to deal with that soon. Which I will. In the meantime there is a glorious passionfruit and coconut cupcake with my name on it for this afternoon's cup of tea.

It seems that addiction to carbs is best dealt with like any other addiction. Abstinence. Today I am not following my program. :)

 

[Chava]

Good luck if you feel carb-abstinence is the way to go. If it's any consolation I don't much like carbs because there is too easily a connection to greater inflammation and pain. I eat lots of fruit, veggies, plant and animal proteins, cheese and yogurt, and carbs more like oats and quinoa, but not a whole lot at that. Lots of good food options. I recently read something about carbs triggering something with our GABA receptors (relaxing). So while you like carbs, I like gabapentin. ?? (but it doesn't make me drunk-like or anything personally dangerous).

 

[Flossy]

Hmm! I will look into this Gabapentin, thank you.

I don't know anything of it. I did always know that carbs are addictive due to the sense of relaxation they give. Thank you.

 

[Flossy]

@Chava Would you tell me more about your use of Gabapenthin. I guess I tell myself I dont have anxiety every day, but compared to 'normals' I guess I could well have and just be used to it. I do know I dont like feeling relaxed as I am not used to it and think it means I am meant to go to sleep. Duh! I used to think it meant I was dying.

1.You use the Gabapentin for chronic pain?

2.But it also takes the edge of anxiety?

3. Is this a common side effect?

4. Does it have any effect on weight?

5. Do you come off it at all or intend to stay on it long term?

6. May I ask what dosage you use and when you take it, so I can have a chat with my doc.

PS I have fibromyalgia and I used a drug called Edronax 4mg AM which is an SNRI. It was brilliant for the fibro pain. Took it away completely. No side effects, no withdrawal.

Now I dont take it and I only had fibro pain recently when really anxious.