Re-Victimization (Of Self) - Short And Long Term Patterns

[Abstract]

James,

Just skimmed through the thread I am afraid. Have the attention span of a flea today.

How is this going?

I absolutely know from personal experience it is possible to change negative thought patterns enough to have an impact on ones life as I have managed to do so with incredibly hard work and masses of t.

Has most of this been you re vistimising yourself or have you been re victimised by others? No need to say if it is too much to discuss.

 

[James B.]

Being aware of the subtle or not so subtle means of self-defeat or self-sabotage. It might be creating distractions, so I don't do the healing work (lesser) or shooting myself in the foot with communications (greater) and damaging my credibility. I did a lot of stupid stuff, career-wise. For me, facing the stuff I did wrong in my career (self-defeating mistakes) and recognizing how I screwed up, has helped. Still "trigger-laden" terrain, but bit by bit am working through it. I will have to work through career type triggers, because going back to work (somewhat) for myself is probably inevitable, needed.

Perhaps thread best titled using more familiar words: self-defeat, self-sabotage. When you really deep down believe you don't deserve anything good in life - like I did - then I have healing work to do. It is a process, but it is happening. Am happy about what seems like real progress.

Thanks for asking, Abstract. And best wishes to you!

 

[Abstract]

That sounds like fabulous progress!
I found getting back into work very stressful but very helpful. As you said it is about accepting our previous decisions and possible mistakes and moving on. You are justa normal human being and allowed to make mistakes!!
With awareness comes amazing poer over our lives and we certainly are not doomed to repeat previous patterns. It just takes a lot of learning.

 

[Philippa]

I feel hopelessly damaged and inferior to other people, and every day brings on a thousand inevitable comparisons and humiliations.
Everything I do in life is geared towards either fighting the feelings of fear, shame and humiliation or avoiding them; and feeling that any wrong move could just make it worse.
This all seems to have a common element of being judged by someone else, and abused; and I feel like this will always be the case, and it will continue to pile up, since I can't think without running into a dozen flashbacks, resulting in my trying to make sense of it in some way that won't leave me hurt and humiliated, but no luck.

I so relate to this right now. Today was a roller coaster of feelings, from realizing that I feel inferior to others, and like I'm a failure, defeated and frightened...so upset at times, I was riding my bike through the street and it felt so surreal, like I was barely there. I couldn't stop crying, and didn't care that strangers could see me in this state. I was on my bike and could just ride past them.

This woman on another forum told me she got the feeling that I frequently feel victimized, and I think that sometimes I do, and can feel like people are trying to punish me, when they may not actually be doing this, it's just my perception of things. This might be part of what ptsd is as well? I'm just a bit confused though as to how much to listen to a virtual stranger who has this oppinion of me and doesn't know about ptsd or what it's like? I agreed with her at the time, but now I wonder...though I don't know if this means I'm in denial or what? Confusing.