Re-writing Flashback Endings

[shimmerz]

I work with a shaman. She has a tutor, who I will call P. I have an issue with P. I won't go to his group healings anymore. I feel he is irresponsible. He sent me around the bend during one healing in particular. He sent me to the screaming place. Not on purpose I suppose but he said he kept 'our space'. Mine he did not. He left me in hell and I couldn't get out. I absolutely could NOT recover after the healing. All I kept hearing was screaming. Screaming. Screaming that would not leave me. I swear I could have gone mad.

Anyways, as I was posting on a different thread this morning, I found this one about re-writing the ends of flashbacks. It is from back in 2013 and @NovemberStar posted it. It was, I thought, really great. It is also how someone led me out of the hell that P sent me to. Someone rewrote the flashback for me that I just couldn't get out of. Some may call my 'screaming place' an auditory hallucination. Personally I would call it a flashback with dolby sound that kept skipping back to the sound part. It needed to be dealt with and it was. Someone rewrote the ending for me. Vividly. Violently. Because some things you just need to kill.

In his rewrite he picked me up, held me tight, and put a hat on me. It was a black knit hat. He told me he needed to put me down for a moment but that he would make sure I was in a safe place while he went and 'took care of business' for me. He said he would come back for me. Then he went out and did it. He had told me that I would hear screaming and lots of it but it wasn't mine anymore. It was theirs. He told me it would stop. Because he would finish it. Then he came back in to get me, he picked me up and asked me if I wanted to see what had happened. I said no. I just needed to hear it. I was afraid if I were to affect a different sense in this (seeing the carnage rather than hearing it) that would transfer to a visual flashback. I just wanted the screaming to stop. I didn't care how. He told me that if I changed my mind I could lift my hat while he took me into the room so that we could leave. We left. I haven't heard screaming again in my flashbacks.

The interesting thing is that this friend went through his own crisis about it. He said that he didn't realize that he was capable of such things, even in his thoughts. It took a bit for him to shake it off. Crazy how energy transfers like that.

I had forgotten about this until I read the post that I will put a link to. In it November talks about how her T taught her how to rewrite a flashback. I am wondering if any of you have tried this yourselves or it you have any thoughts on this?

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/re-writing-the-flashback-ending.36733/

There are some real gem postings out there.

 

[sun seeker]

I've done this not with a flashback but with a traumatic memory, one that happened when I was nine. It was satisfying to imagine how different it could have been. Should have been.

The funny thing was, though, I tried this again with something that happened when I was a few years older, and it didn't work that well. By that time so much was skewed in my life that I had a hard time imagining what it would have taken to help.

 

[Eleanor]

My H has done this with super result. My T does this too...also with good results for my neglect...it occurs to me to try it around some self care issues... going back and imagining different experiences to fill in what i missed...

 

[shimmerz]

it occurs to me to try it around some self care issues

Hmmmmm, I hadn't thought of that! Brilliant! Thanks Eleanor!

 

[Hope4Now]

Did it once. With one of the core recovered memory pieces that was tormenting me in multiple flashbacks daily. I had the visual rather than the auditory and I was really stuck in it. I feel for you. It took a few sessions for me to get to some idea of what would "work." As I remember it (it is really fuzzy in my memory but I think I wrote about it in my journal), I imagined my beloved dog coming into the bedroom and nipping at my father's leg enough to get his attention away from me so I could escape.

But the weirdest thing happened then. At first I didn't want to tell my therapist about it because I was afraid he would say I was overthinking it. But I had this clear visual image of that child part of me splitting in two. One did escape, and there was a lot of relief. But the other stayed stuck. I have tried to "be" with this part and just witness her suffering, but my mind spins off. She's still stuck, but the flashbacks have eased off significantly. Kind of got replaced with some other parallel memories.

At some point, the stuck child split off into several more parts, and I realized that the trauma was two-fold...the "during" part (in which she is still stuck as a single entity at first, then more), and the after part where there are several of her. I am still trying to get used to the idea that this could actually have happened to me (as in structural dissociation). Our brains are bizarre little organs.

Thank you for posting the link. I will look at it now.

 

[sun seeker]

But I had this clear visual image of that child part of me splitting in two. One did escape, and there was a lot of relief. But the other stayed stuck.

This actually makes a lot of sense to me. Sometimes I have had the sense, when working on moving on with some aspect of my life, that the parts of me that experienced the trauma are threatened by it. They feel as if healing would mean saying what happened to them didn't matter. Could this be what happened for you? I wonder if some of the parts of you that experienced the trauma need a chance to speak and make their concerns known. Just a thought.

 

[Hope4Now]

They feel as if healing would mean saying what happened to them didn't matter. Could this be what happened for you?

Perhaps. I seem to have a part that feels I deserve to suffer...that I have no right to exist. I think that part is keeping the child part stuck in the hideous moment. The stuck part has made her distress about as loud and clear as she can. I think I will not be able to heal her though unless I can connect her to myself. This is where my thread on re-personalization came from last night.

But something odd is happening today. I feel very nauseous and dizzy and tired. When I wrote in my journal, my handwriting was all screwy (that's nothing new). In my meditation today, I tried to be in self and with this part. I don't seem to be able to do it at the same time, but I kept blending and unblending really fast. It was all pretty intense.

For better or worse (better I hope) I am on the train Ito the city to meet my husband for a dinner party. I am trying to breathe. To Stay grounded. It isn't working particularly well. I'd rather be in bed. But my ANP decided I should be going into town. I never know who to listen to. I think this is a huge part of my problem. Too many of me fighting to control one me. Oh self where am I?
Maybe I will make up a new person to get through tonight! That would freak my husband! Lol! I don't know anybody at this party so they will never know!

Oops I am ramblingly scrambled.

How are you doing today @sun seeker? I've lost track of which thread we were on but I know yesterday was a tough one for you too.

 

[sun seeker]

I seem to have a part that feels I deserve to suffer...that I have no right to exist.

Sigh. I have one of those. I'm sorry yours is being so vocal.

I feel very nauseous and dizzy and tired. When I wrote in my journal, my handwriting was all screwy (that's nothing new).

How are you doing now? These symptoms you describe, the nausea, fatigue and dizziness along with a change in handwriting (I think you are saying there was a change, but I'm not sure) often come along with a recovered memory for me. Do they mean anything in particular to you?

How are you doing today [DLMURL="https://www.myptsd.com/c/members/28120/"]@sun seeker[/DLMURL]? I've lost track of which thread we were on but I know yesterday was a tough one for you too

Struggling, but better. Thanks for asking.
:):hug::hug:

 

[Eleanor]

In this book called, I think, "Transforming the Difficult Child" (a book I was turned on to by @Pencil) they recommend doing (with actual children, but I think inners should respond to it too) "video moments." This is where you just observe and describe (in neutral terms, because they will reject positive and don't need any negative messages) what they are doing, so that they get used to being seen. So that they start to feel "real." And as you do this (ten, twenty times a day, nothing long, just "I see you are watching television and sitting on the couch.) they get used to being seen. After a while they get comfortable with that and you can slip in some positive stuff. "I see you are drawing. I like the shade of blue you picked."

Perhaps your stuck splinter needs simply to be "seen?" Just a thought. I hope you made it thru the evening @Hope4Now