Reading people

[Deleted member 37474]

Another example. Last year the head director, who I taught for for 7 years, finally got his favorite teacher to come to his school. He promoted him to the top band by telling the kids that if they still take from their junior high teacher, it is time to move to this better teacher. (Kids usually stay with us from 6-12th grade). I am the same level of teacher that the director was promoting. This felt like slander and creating a since of doubt in my student's thoughts of me. So... spring auditions happen and he asked my students who they take from. (They said Texcat) The director said "okay, tell her you need to work on...". If students mentioned another teacher he told them to switch to his favorite teacher. So, my mind is questioning whether I should still hate this man. He isn't telling my students to switch, so is he satisfied with my teaching? But every time I want to give this man a pass (and he is a huge trigger to my ptsd. Sometimes I see him as my rapist, who I was also willing to give a pass to)

 

[EveHarrington]

Another example. Last year the head director, who I taught for for 7 years, finally got his favorite te...

I don't understand why you'd give this man a pass? Do you think of things in terms of black and white, trust or no trust being the only two options?

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I don't understand why you'd give this man a pass? Do you think of things in terms of black and w...

It seems like the second a "bad" person acts "good" I want them to be good, so I give them a pass so that the world is a better place, with less bad people in it. My T would say," if it is a snake, why do you act surprised or hurt when it bites you." I am trying to apply that to life, but it goes against some f*cked up core belief that I might have?

 

[EveHarrington]

Could you practice telling yourself that the world has bad people in it, and it's ok? That by acknowledging that "bad" people exist, you are actually keeping yourself safer than by pretending everyone is good?

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Could you practice telling yourself that the world has bad people in it, and it's ok? That by ack...

This is going to sound really stupid, but saying that somehow triggers me. I mean considering that I blocked most of the memory out that night and called it "accidental" sex, I gave him a pass, even with the horrible things that he said to me afterwards. And then, a month later, I was late, and he said that if I am pregnant he would marry me. So I slept with him willingly. Figured it didn't matter at that point. Another pass. It is like my brain is stuck. It wanted so much for him to be a good person. It wanted to erase the violence, like it never happened. Why does everything have to keep coming back to this 4 months of my past?

 

[EveHarrington]

No, it doesn't sound stupid at all.

:hug:

 

[Suzetig]

I'm not sure I see the contradict in the head directors behaviour. He brought in a new teacher, and pointed students to him saying he was better, but he didn't direct kids away from you? Sounds like there are people in the teaching team that he doesn't rate but that he does rate you?

I tend to judge people in their actions - people can do "good" things or "bad" things but mostly they just do things - it's the impact on us that make them good or bad for us. And people make mistakes too.

The difference for me is whether I decide to tell them I was upset or hurt or angry about X, and whether they get the chance to do it again. So, with your director, when he started telling kids to change their teacher, I would have told him it felt like he was saying I wasn't any good and give him the chance to explain what he was actually doing or to explain why he thought that. Then I'd assess his actions from there.

I do find it hard to set boundaries and want hurtful people to turn good but I know that's a childhood thing whereby I kept on hoping that "this" time things would be different. I have a sort of three strike rule, first time someone hurts me, I'll listen to what they say and give the benefit of the doubt, next time I'll be clear about what wasn't ok, third time I start to really pull back and reduce the space they have in my life.

 

[Deleted member 37474]

I'm not sure I see the contradict in the head directors behaviour. He brought in a new teacher, and poi...

I think that I am just having transference issues, my friend who also teaches privately at that school said that this was never personal. It was always just about the stupid asshole choosing his favorite and promoting him. It doesn't help that this man's college photo could be a twin of my rapist. And they have also aged to look the same. That really doesn't help matters at all.

 

[Suzetig]

No, but that's the issue - how you deal with him when he touches something traumatic in you. It's not his fault he looks the same and he can't possibly know the impact just his presence has on you - it's so horrible when that happens.

 

[Changing4Best]

Is there any chance that you can go to a person in a position of authority and report what the objectionable person has done to you? Can it be considered harassment of any kind, for instance?

 

[Deleted member 37474]

Is there any chance that you can go to a person in a position of authority and report what the obje...

That would be job suicide. Most people know he is shady. I just keep believing he can change or isn't "bad" when he occasionally does something nice. T reminds me that if you know it's a snake, why are you surprised or hurt if it bites you?

 

[Gamera3000]

Back when I was working I had all kinds of problems interacting with people- I think a lot of it traced back to being triggered from my own trauma.

My husband is autistic and has a completely different way of looking at pretty much anything. He has a wonderful method of dealing with work that I now think if I had followed, would have saved me a great deal of grief. I think it would work for pretty much anyone. He says to focus on your work tasks. If someone in authority over you tells you to do something stupid, or doesn't let you do something that needs to be done, you simply say, "Okay" and follow your assigned task(s). Go home at the end of the day, and put your energy into your interests. And go out for lunch if you can.

This is pretty difficult for a lot of us, but if you get used to doing it, you might be surprised how much easier your work life becomes. My husband has been at his place of employment for...about 25 years now. He's worked up from a low-level position to the most important position in his department (not the head boss position, but the "key" position, as in they can't fire him anymore because he's too important). I scoffed at his method when I first heard of it. Now I wish I had tried it.

Remember that you being well is more important that this guy, and all your job is for is a way for you to make money and pay your bills.