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Realized who abused me and struggling to process it



I feel so disgusted and confused.

I’m 16. I’ve known I was sexually abused as a little kid for awhile, and I’m diagnosed with PTSD, but I never knew who it was.

My parents and I always suspected it was this one man. He was my neighbor at the house I lived in from ages 2-6 and my best friend’s dad. Until a few days ago, I didn’t know his name. I didn’t only vaguely remembered what he looked like. So, I kind of thought it was him but I didn’t know. I didn’t feel it.

Then, a few days ago, I got curious and asked my mom for his name.

I did some e-stalking and I found a lot of information about him. At first, it felt detached and unreal, like it has felt all this time when I didn’t know who it was. Then, I went on his daughter’s instagram, and in one of her posts, there was a picture of him. I started to freak out and cried. I could barely breathe. His face instantly looked so familiar.

Now, I know it was him. I’m starting to realize a lot of things. I realized that there are a lot of missing gaps in my memory. I’ve started feeling a lot of feelings I felt when I was little, living in that house, that I haven’t felt in years.

The main thing is I can’t stop thinking about his face. It scares me so much. I’m shaking right now typing this.

He’s been this made-up idea in my head all these years, this inhuman monster, this character. And now he’s real. He’s a real person and I know who did it. It’s freaking me out and I’ve been crying randomly at school and getting really anxious and having a hard time breathing often. I also have ASD, so it’s been amalgamating with other things that overwhelm me and just making everything horrible.

His daughter is my age and she goes to my rival high school, a school that some of my friends go to. Like, she was this blurry memory from a decade ago and it’s weird to me that she exists in my present-day world. It’s insane to me how real it all is now. It’s just felt like such a blurry dream and now it’s real. I wish I could leave her and her dad in the past.

I don’t know how to process it all. I feel like I have to relearn how to live. I have been falling behind in school this week and I’ve been doing anything and everything I can to distract myself. But it’s not really working. I feel so disgusted and sad all the time.

The worst part is that I m*sturbated and fantasized about him today. I feel so disgusting. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’ve had a lot of issues with pursuing older men in the past because of this, but I didn’t realize some of those feelings would transfer to the actual perpetrator. I hate myself. And the thing is, now it’s all starting to feel made-up and dreamy and unreal again, like before, and so it hurts less, and I think that’s maybe why I thought of him that way—to make it unreal again and stop the pain I was feeling.

I don’t know what to do and I don’t really have anyone to talk to this about. I’m just so shocked. I feel like my life’s been turned upside down, and I wanna go back to how good I felt a week ago, when I was hanging out with my friends and talkative in school and I had already processed what I knew about my trauma at the time. I feel like my ignorance really was bliss, but at the same time, I know this realization will be good for me in the long run. But the thing is, I do EMDR, and I’m really terrified of having a memory come back. I’m so scared.
I cant really say anything helpful but I can empathize very much. I also discovered threw therapy who was my abuser (my case is different a bit cause besides my ptsd symptoms I never had a clew that I was abused till than). And I really get it all, the aversion and disgust and on the other hand the attraction or strange sexual thoughts and desires that comes all of a sudden and leave you confused, disgusted and astrange to yourself, thinking what the hell is happening to me or who am I.
I guess the only thing I can say is what I would say to myself and that is that you are OK. No matter what you are going threw or what goes threw your mind and even if its wierd, and strange and I dont know what, thats fine. Dont judge yourself and be compassionate to yourself and remeber that you are only human and you really went through something incredebly hard. And maybe it makes you a little bit different, but thats fine. Also you are only 16, and the fact that you are able to go threw this and also reach out and share your story here shows incredible strenght and matureness. Work your way threw this and reach out for help. You are capble of this, and it might be hard, but handling such hard things at such a young age may result into being an incredebly mature smart experinced and compassionate person later in life. Dont give up, hope I helped :)
I agree with the above
Your awareness is amazing. It took me years to develop that and move from a judging and angry place to a wondering and accepting one. Take care.