Sexual Assault Really need to rant/advice

[H2452]

I have posted here before with different questions about my situation so sorry if you have read about what happened before but I really really need to rant and get this out because it's driving me mad. I was raped two months ago at my own house by someone I didn't know. He came in through the back garden and forced himself in, although it probably didn't need that much force as I was so shocked and scared. After it happened I basically vowed never to tell anyone, for multiple reasons, because I didn't feel like I would be able to forget it if other people knew, they would always be thinking about it, it would make it more real. Whether they are valid reasons or not, I didn't want anyone to know. Especially the police, then mainly because it would mean other people knowing and because I was scared of what he would do to me if he was let go. Now it's more because I know I've left it too late and there is no evidence.

So for a few days I was in a daze but getting on, just, then while on shift (support work) at a clients house, I saw him. He didn't see me, I moved away from where he was pretty swiftly. After that I was so scared I text my boss to ask if I could be taken off those shifts, particular the night ones (I do these shifts maybe once or twice a week). He replied saying yes but he needed to speak to me to find out what's wrong. I freaked out at the idea of telling him and said it's fine, forget it.

I saw him a couple more times and he didn't seem to see me. It was horrible but I thought I could deal with it. Then last week I saw him and he saw me, I was so scared I emailed my boss then to ask for those shifts off, I said something happened and the person involved lives around the place the shift is. He came to my house again that night after my shift, said he didn't want to see me there, he thought I was there because I told someone what happened. but I had a night and day shift there the weekend after and she didn't reply to my email so I had to do it. The Sunday after the shift finished he came back because he saw me again. I got a reply from my boss on Monday, saying she was pleased I contacted them about it and saying they needed more information to make sure the client and I are both safe. I replied saying I had no reason to believe the client is at risk. But said I would go in for a chat. Got no reply to that and the following evening I was a little drunk and emailed to basically say I don't want to cause problems please forget it etc. She replied the next morning saying it wasn't causing problems, and invited me to go in but there was no good time as I was on shift whenever she was in the office. So I asked if I could email it to her, which I thought might be easier anyway. She said yes, so I did. I said I was attacked at home (I couldn't bring myself to say the word rape) by someone I don't know, told her about seeing him and him coming back. I said I don't blame you if you don't believe me. I didn't know what else to say.

She replied the next day saying it is a difficult situation, that they needed to see me and as she was away she had a confidential chat with the manager and I would go to see her next week. She also said I would suggest you let the police know as soon as you are able. I got the vibe from the email that she didn't believe me and wasn't taking it seriously, I don't know if that's just me being paranoid. I just don't know what to do and I can't stop thinking about it. I'm scared about going in to talk to them, because I know I will probably clam up and not be able to be honest, or they'll think even more that I'm lying. I'm annoyed because I've not worked there long, I hardly see them due to the nature of the work not being office based, so they don't really know anything about me and now this is all they're going to think of. I feel sick constantly and I wish I never told them, but my only choice was to do that or just keep seeing him and keep risking him coming back.

I can't eat and I feel sick all the time. I can't stop thinking about it and it's making me feel almost as bad as the first time it happened did and I almost want to just hand my notice in and quit. I'm stuck.

 

[H2452]

anything?

 

[Suzetig]

I know you feel the need for support with this, people read different parts of the forum depending on how they're doing so it may be a while before someone responds to you. It may be an idea to read other threads and posts which might help you with your issues too.

Be patient, folk will answer when they read it and have time to think about a response.

 

[anonymous]

Your reaction is normal, I get not wanting to tell anyone and pretending that it never happened.

However, it's not going to go away and you need to tell someone that you can trust. He knows where you live and if he knows where you work then all the more reason to tell someone, because you need someone to help to make sure you're safe.

Please tell someone.

 

[Casey_03]

I got the vibe from the email that she didn't believe me and wasn't taking it seriously, I don't know if that's just me being paranoid.

I think you're being paranoid. Actually, paranoid isn't the right word -- most of what you describe is shame and self-doubt, both of which are completely normal after sexual assault. Every time you feel that way, you need to remind yourself that it's a symptom of the assault and nothing you are doing is wrong. There is absolutely no reason why your boss/superiors would think you are lying. If your boss is acting strange, it's more likely she just doesn't know how to deal with this situation. And she may be saying she needs more information out of concern for the client (if you're being stalked, for instance, that's a threat to the client). You did the right thing by telling your work. I realize it makes you feel vulnerable and exposed, but it's much better to have this documented with your work, and I bet if you hadn't told them, you'd be driving yourself crazy wondering if you SHOULD tell them.

 

[anonymous]

It is good that you spoke up and I also think it really doesn't matter if they believe you or not, you know the truth.

 

[anonymous]

Wasn't your last post pretty much the same? That's why I didn't respond.

 

[Hooper]

Email your boss Rainn.org's stats on rape conviction. 6 out of 1000 are convicted and do time. If she doesn't believe you she would have to believe the facts are totally against you. That is if you are willing to tell what happened. I'd hate to tell 1 person who told another to get approval. I am extreme in my views but I don't think he should be walking around. At a minimum a severe limp. There is no justice for what happened. Karma is all you can hope for and it is illegal to assist karma. Wish you the best.

 

[Casey_03]

I just re-read your post and feel like I have to ask -- are you considering going to the police now that this guy came to your home again? I don't say this to scare you, but it really sounds like you are in serious danger if this guy is coming back to make sure you didn't tell. Who's to say he's not completely delusional and might keep coming back? He could escalate. If you don't want to contact the police, please call a crisis center or talk to someone about this guy's behavior. To me it's a huge red flag that he would COME BACK after the assault. That's pretty brazen.

 

[Post OP]

I just re-read your post and feel like I have to ask -- are you considering going to the police now th...

I know it sounds crazy to believe him, but he told me if he didn't see me he would stop. And I do believe it because in the first few weeks afterwards he never came back, not until he saw me. I know I will still have to live with that underlying fear but I would rather that than go through the police process and nothing come of it, probably meaning he'll come back and do god knows what