Really overwhelming

[sharky]

When I was 13-14 I was in a relationship where I was really abused. I didn't tell anyone until I started dating this guy in high school, and two/three years after it happened I told him the gist of things. Later on in the relationship he ended up punching me in the face and making me leave his house during a blizzard in the hopes I would die in a car accident. I thought I would never trust anyone ever again.

Also, when I was a freshman in high school I was forced to see a psychologist because I had started to do suicidal acts. I saw her for, I think three or four years, and she never once helped me. But part of that, is because I never told her. I never felt comfortable and I felt like I was 'under surveillance' like some kind of zoo animal. I always insisted my problems stemmed from my relationship with my mother. Which has gone from bad to worse over the past few years, but I think that can be attributed to the fact she has no idea why I act the way I do and just sees me as being crazy.

I've had times where I told certain people I wouldn't necessarily say I 'trusted' what happened to me at very random times. It was like word-vomit and I've almost always said it in a random conversation in a very monotone voice. Completely void of any feeling. I would later regret telling that person and distance myself from them because I was afraid of them knowing what had happened.

It has been around seven years since the initial trauma happened, and I'm now dating someone who was my best friend before we started dating. Eventually I confided in him when he moved out of state for a short period of time. I've always found it easier to type out my emotions rather than telling someone face to face. It makes me feel less whiny. Anyways, he knows me, I think, better than anyone ever has in my life. And he suggested somewhere around a year ago (he was still away) that I suffer from PTSD. I never even thought about it, and I felt some comfort when reading about it... But at the same time whenever I think "I have PTSD and that's why I do this," I am so overwhelmed and angry with myself.

Things that I do that I'm pretty sure are attributed to my PTSD, but I still am really guilty/ashamed of:

-I start arguments with friends over trivial things and get a lot more angry than I should, and I use it as an excuse to cut them from my life.​

-I have a lot of Misophonia symptoms and I am constantly on high alert for anyone making mouth noises, and other small things that make me go crazy.​

-I blame others and shut people out and I usually deny that there is any kind of disorder that I am suffering from that makes me act this way.​

-I lie about how long the initial trauma happened, and say it was about seven months. But in reality I have absolutely no idea how long it went on for. It could range anywhere between one month and two years.​

-I am highly argumentative and sometimes I treat my boyfriend like total crap. He has been nothing but nice to me, always, and if we start to argue over things normal people argue about... I will tell him I hate him and I don't want anything to do with him. I'll call him names that I don't mean, and it's like I have no control over what I am saying. I hate myself for this most of all.​

There are other symptoms but the ones I just listed bother me most of all. More than my self-hate, more than my manic depressive states, more than my flashbacks. All of these things (besides the not remembering how long it happened for) ruin my relationships with others. When it comes to me not remembering how long the abuse lasted for... I know that's common in PTSD but it scares the hell out of me. And ALL of my symptoms, including ones I haven't listed, are only getting worse. Every time I think I've hit rock bottom, I only fall deeper and I become more alone. I've had less friends than I've ever had in my life. I've always at least had two good friends, if not a whole group of friends I could depend on. Now I have no one, and I trust no one. I feel guilty and overwhelmed by my own actions and emotions. I feel like I'm someone else and I can't control myself anymore.

 

[Rainbow_Habitué]

I am in somewhat the same situation you are, though with different trauma. I can't say if you have PTSD or not (never been diagnosed myself either).

I'm lucky to have supportive (albeit confused and frustrated) parents who have allowed me to live at home and try to get my life back together. However when it comes to friends... they call it 'hermiting'. I just have troubles keeping people around me because I push them away when I get stressed.

I also got all monotone when I tell my friends things from my past because I know the reaction I'm going to get is just their inability to relate, no matter how well they mean. They are good friends and they want to 'get it' but I don't have the words or the self-confidence to explain without feeling powerful shame afterwards and, really, accomplishing little.

I hope you can find some help that is not quite so threatening because I know you need to feel comfortable with your therapist. I'm looking for one right now, but not having much luck due to where I live.

 

[sharky]

A lot of my 'friends' see me as basically the same thing (the being a hermit) though they've never actually said it. However I did have one of my friends confront me before in really angry text, attacking me, saying, "Am I too boring for you? Huh? Is it because you don't like me anymore? Is it because you don't like my boyfriend?" It went on and on with the same type of accusations. I still get upset about that when I think about it. That friend also knew about my trauma because when I'd get really drunk with her I'd start to talk about it more. I'm no longer friends with her, sadly. Due to when all of my friends were disc golfing (and she was the one coordinating the event) and I didn't get invited. I blew up and started to attack everyone individually and told them how awful they all were. It took a few months, but I'm now on pretty good terms with most of them (though I still don't trust most of them to be there for me if I needed them to), except for her and her boyfriend. After a few weeks of the initial 'fight' she told me how she felt guilty, but she wasn't going to anymore because everything was my fault and I'm the only person who should feel bad in all of this... Even though I read it on a message on facebook, the words still echo in my head. This is my fault. I should be ashamed of myself. I'm losing all of my friends and it's all my fault.

And as far as therapists go... I'm in the same boat. The closest PTSD specialist is an hour away from me, which is a lot of gas money for someone with no job. I don't even know if my insurance will cover it, or if I even have insurance. Which has always been another issue for not going, besides the whole not wanting to talk to a complete stranger. Anyways, I hope you are able to find someone.

 

[Rainbow_Habitué]

Sounds like she was rather insecure, she immediately jumped to it being caused by her or your judgment of her, rather than considering that there might be a different reason.

It's too bad, but you can't be responsible for her problems; you have the other friends back and that's what counts. Maybe in time one will show herself to be trustworthy, but you shouldn't be ashamed, you've owned up to your mistake (and as cheesy as it is, everyone does make them).

I could maybe get my driving paid for by the province (not sure, it works that way for some medical things...) if I got a diagnosis (and I'm uncomfortable with labels). There might even be a public-funded therapist nearby I don't know about, but I'm not comfortable with the psychiatrist.

He diagnosed me bi-polar and started me on lithium (to terrifying results) with barely an examination of possible alternatives. As it turns out, I'm not bi-polar.

I'm going to try at the university I go to, because even if all I get is emotional support, that's better than a kick in the teeth.

 

[sharky]

My dad was 'diagnosed' with bipolar disorder when he was 17. They gave him Lithium too, which is a terrible drug. The doctors who prescribe it would never take it themselves or give it to their own children. Lithium is a light-heavy metal that stores in your brain and could kill you at any given moment in your life. I'm terribly sorry if I'm alarming you at all, I really don't mean to. It just makes me so mad when doctors prescribe things like that and they don't know/care about the long-lasting effects. Oh, and my dad isn't bipolar either. Go figure.

 

[Rainbow_Habitué]

No, you couldn't alarm me. I had the 'unlikely but possible' side effect of not being able to retain any water. I'd drink a glass then pee an equal amount for three days. I just quit it without talking to anyone because I was so dizzy, so I don't think I will still have any build-up, but it could have killed me if I hadn't had the sense to stop taking it I'm sure. :unsure:

 

[catjudo]

They gave him Lithium too, which is a terrible drug. The doctors who prescribe it would never take it themselves or give it to their own children.

I'm sorry, but this is not a true and accurate statement...it is a broad generalization. Lithium is not the right drug for everyone. And it certainly wouldn't be the right drug for someone who didn't really have bipolar disorder. However, for some people (myself being one of them) lithium is a life saving medication. And there certainly are some doctors who would prescribe it for their own family members if it were appropriate in their circumstances.

 

[Rainbow_Habitué]

Yeah, I guess I must be overgeneralizing from my personal experience with an incompetent (disinterested?) psychiatrist. Sorry about that, I try not to do that. :oops:

However, I think the ease at which it is prescribed by some psychiatrists should be examined, since it is a drug with a long list of (potentially very nasty) side effects.

 

[catjudo]

However, I think the ease at which it is prescribed by some psychiatrists should be examined, since it is a drug with a long list of (potentially very nasty) side effects.

Perhaps. But the same could also be said for virtually every medication in existence. This is not unique to lithium.

 

[sharky]

I'm sorry for the hard accusation, Catjudo. I should have thought more about that statement before saying it... I have a biased opinion because of my dad, and when he talks about Lithium it's like he's spitting blood he's so mad. I really am sorry for offending you.:( I didn't really think about that upsetting anyone.

 

[Rainbow_Habitué]

It applies to some medications, particularly for those on the market for bi-polar disorder and depression.

However all I was saying is that some psychiatrists should take greater care in understanding what is the cause of a person's symptoms, rather than throwing a pill and seeing what happens.