Really, Really Struggling Right Now

[Sara1999]

I am nearing the one year anniversary of being shot, and I am really having a hard time right now. I have been counseling since the incident, and have been doing EMDR for over 5 months, but rather than getting better, I am just spiralling further and further into depression. It started getting really bad around the 11 month anniversary, like my brain just got too overwhelmed. I am feeling increasingly hopeless every day. I don't know how much longer I can hang on. I see my counselor twice a week, and she has expressed concerns about my safety, particularly given my previous suicide attempts (which were several years ago) and my obvioulsy increased depression. I just feel stuck, like things are never going to improve. I see all the people around me going on with their lives, and I just keep thinking about how I have lost a year of my life already, with no end in sight.

I am sleeping way too much, including naps most afternoons when I just can't cope with being awake any longer (just going to sleep when I am feeling unsafe is getting me through for now). I have absolutely no appetite. I have no desire to do anything. I am overwhelmed, and I am so close to just being done. I have taken some steps in planning my death, but I not quite at the point that I am ready to put them into action. I am still able to think about my family, which has always been my reason for staying alive, but even that is getting harder and harder to consider. I don't want to hurt anyone, but every day just gets worse and worse, and I am not sure how much longer I can be expected to cope with such unendurable pain.

I am ok for now. This is not quite at the crisis level yet, but I feel like it is getting close. I am not really expecting any particular kind of replies here, mostly I just needed to get some of these thoughts out of my head.

 

[Sick of Fear]

You are not alone, and sometimes, even subconsciously, anniversaries of trauma trigger painful feelings and memories. Please know that you are a survivor for a reason, and that this will pass.

Many hugs to you if you'll accept them and we are all here for you.

 

[nimkekaa]

Anniversary times are hard. Be kind to yourself. This is a time for lots of self care.

 

[Jlso111187]

Are you on any kind of medicine? I was sprialing down just 2 months ago and I got in and got put on Prozac and have felt better. I do still have bad days but they are not so intense. If you are maybe they need to up your dose or try something different? I hope you remember that you have a community here that understands and cares for you. Hang in there, I know easier said than done.

 

[WillyKat]

Hey Sara, I've been there too. Keep posting on the forum. Keep telling us how you're doing.

Don't be afraid to call your counsellor or as Jlso said, look into meds. It's important to stabilize for any kind of talking therapy to work.

Can you do us a favor and jot down a couple of crisis hotline numbers. Keep them handy. And if you need to call them. Please.

 

[cookinggal]

Hi Sara any anniversary of our incident is a fairly difficult time and I found this group around the date of my 1 year anniversary. These guys have helped me since and I know my 2nd anniversary is fast approaching but I know now that it takes self love, a ton of talking and openness about your feelings, and being honest with yourself all can help you get over that hump. I hope this helps.