Briellewannabe
Bronze Member
I had a really rough time over the weekend. I made a plan, something I haven’t done in over 10 years, when I was a kid. My plan kept getting interrupted by roommates but I still found myself on top of the 6 story building… not nearly as drunk as I needed to be to make the jump. The alcohol couldn’t dull the small part of me, the rational side that reminded me people would be hurt, that I haven’t tried everything yet, and so on. But I was stuck – I wanted to end it all so badly but I knew I couldn’t. I felt like I couldn’t move. I didn’t know what to do. I eventually texted my T (at 2am) and then called the suicide hotline and talked to a woman for almost two hours before I could distract my feelings enough to climb back down.
I was really numb the next day. Like, I couldn’t feel anything, so I self-harmed. More than usual, which isn’t saying much because I don’t usually self-harm. My T called me, worried, but I told her I was fine, or at least better, that I had no plans. I didn’t really want to talk. Then Sunday I was just really angry at myself for not going through it, and I was mad at my roommates for their continued interruptions that disrupted my plan. I kept punching myself—something again I haven’t done in a while. Have some lovely bruises now.
Today I had an appointment to do an assessment before seeing a psychiatrist to talk about medications (something I had already booked). There’s a month waiting period before the psychiatrist is available. I saw my T today as well, and she tried to get me to share more, but I couldn’t really. I still don’t quite understand it… I’m not sure where the plan came from or what point I decided to act on it. I feel like I didn’t know what to say to her, or know how to help her help me. Still felt a little gloomy and I know she sensed that.
I called my boyfriend this evening to let him know. He’d ask that I tell him when things happen, but I couldn’t do it over the weekend. I was pretty out of it. He just cried, which I know is a total normal response, but it made me feel so guilty, so bad. It made it worse. I’d thought I was feeling better, but now it’s like I’m backpedaling a little.
My T texted after that, saying she wanted to have another session, free of charge (I already do the sliding scale so they make next to nothing off me anyway) and she wanted me to text her daily on a scale of 1-10 how I was feeling (1 being content and 10 being actively suicidal). I haven’t responded to her yet.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make these people not worry about me, but I also know I’m not stable. Part of me is really glad they’re here, but the other part of me that wants to die knows that it’s just going to make it harder if I have another night where I make a plan. I don’t know how I’m feeling… sorta numb I suppose. Not great. I’m feeling at a loss of what to do, how to not get in that place again, but it’s been getting worse. Maybe therapy and EMDR is too much… but I had these thoughts before therapy, so that can’t be it completely. I can’t think straight. There are so many options and resources available to me but it feels like there’s nothing. I don’t know how to get my brain in alignment with reality. I’ll stop rambling now.
Apologies! I posted this in the wrong forum. It's not really a therapy post. I don't know how to delete it.
I was really numb the next day. Like, I couldn’t feel anything, so I self-harmed. More than usual, which isn’t saying much because I don’t usually self-harm. My T called me, worried, but I told her I was fine, or at least better, that I had no plans. I didn’t really want to talk. Then Sunday I was just really angry at myself for not going through it, and I was mad at my roommates for their continued interruptions that disrupted my plan. I kept punching myself—something again I haven’t done in a while. Have some lovely bruises now.
Today I had an appointment to do an assessment before seeing a psychiatrist to talk about medications (something I had already booked). There’s a month waiting period before the psychiatrist is available. I saw my T today as well, and she tried to get me to share more, but I couldn’t really. I still don’t quite understand it… I’m not sure where the plan came from or what point I decided to act on it. I feel like I didn’t know what to say to her, or know how to help her help me. Still felt a little gloomy and I know she sensed that.
I called my boyfriend this evening to let him know. He’d ask that I tell him when things happen, but I couldn’t do it over the weekend. I was pretty out of it. He just cried, which I know is a total normal response, but it made me feel so guilty, so bad. It made it worse. I’d thought I was feeling better, but now it’s like I’m backpedaling a little.
My T texted after that, saying she wanted to have another session, free of charge (I already do the sliding scale so they make next to nothing off me anyway) and she wanted me to text her daily on a scale of 1-10 how I was feeling (1 being content and 10 being actively suicidal). I haven’t responded to her yet.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to make these people not worry about me, but I also know I’m not stable. Part of me is really glad they’re here, but the other part of me that wants to die knows that it’s just going to make it harder if I have another night where I make a plan. I don’t know how I’m feeling… sorta numb I suppose. Not great. I’m feeling at a loss of what to do, how to not get in that place again, but it’s been getting worse. Maybe therapy and EMDR is too much… but I had these thoughts before therapy, so that can’t be it completely. I can’t think straight. There are so many options and resources available to me but it feels like there’s nothing. I don’t know how to get my brain in alignment with reality. I’ll stop rambling now.
Apologies! I posted this in the wrong forum. It's not really a therapy post. I don't know how to delete it.
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