Reasons For Anger, I Think.

[Madbat]

"Just another day, please Lord just another day."

Words that I live by it seems. Every morning I swing my legs over the edge of the bed, rub my head, crack my neck, arch my back and then reach under the pillow and grab the S&W MP .40. That part won't change no matter what, but this morning as I look back to see my wife sleeping, cuddled up next to my 3 year old, the nightmare still lingers. It's 6:25 am. I've gotten 4 hours and 25 minutes of sleep tonight, but the nightmare that woke me up damn well won't let me go back to sleep. So much for the regiment of drugs the VA has given me, sleeping pills stopped working about three days ago. Looks like it’s back to the drawing board for my medications, again. The dreams have manifested themselves over the years, changing as I slowly adapt to them. The guys in my PTSD group tell me that it is 'normal' for them to change once we learn how to control them or deal with them. No one said they would be f*cked up and involve my family. That's just not acceptable.

The nightmares have gone from the firefight west of the six lane highway to clearing out the bunkers to the highway of death on a regular basis and I’ve accepted most of that as a norm now. Then six months ago in the middle of a firefight as I move from cover to cover I see my wife, five to seven rounds in her chest and neck, holding the hand of my 3 year old and only having his arm from just above the elbow in her hand. Then others similar to that clearing out the bunkers finding my 6 year old dead have his head gone or just his head in graphic detail. And then a week ago, my wife at work, I snap walk into the boys bedroom and shoot both in the head, take them outside hang them from the tree, get the ladder, put the noose around my neck, raise the gun and pull the trigger. That’s when I woke up screaming.

I get dressed, run my rounds around the house checking the doors, the windows, scanning the front yard and back, peering into the woods waiting for motion. Once I determine that it is all clear, I walk to the gun safe and put it back in, content that all is ok as I wait for the 6 year old to get up and get ready for school. I lose my temper when the 6 year old starts playing games instead of getting dressed. I snap, raise my voice and grab his shirt, tell him to quit acting like a dumbass and get dressed. I finish dressing the 3 year old and get everything gathered up as I take him to the daycare provider and the 6 year old to school.

Driving is such a joy. There seems to be nothing but morons to the left and right of me. Complete idiots on the road, no turn signal, no clue as to what is going on around them or so busy talking on their cell phones, or texting that they just don't pay attention to anything. I yell and scream and flip off three people as I drive to the school, roll my window down and tell a woman that she's an idiot for driving in the exit instead of driving the extra 50 meters to the entrance, she babbles on about being a bad example or some shit, I don't care. Drop my son off, tell him I love him and to have a good day. Drive to the daycare provider and drop the youngest one off and then race home so I don't have to deal with anyone.

Anger is my only tool. Anger is all I can focus on. It seems to be the only thing in me that is left and I think that it is winning. I can’t stand the fact that I seem to be losing control of my emotions, losing control of my sanity. I have always had a gun, made me feel more secure knowing that I could grab it in a pinch. Now I can’t stand not having it under my pillow, ready to go in a flash. Part of me is worried that one night I may grab it and fire off a round at one of my kids when they sneak into the room, but on the other hand I can’t imagine being without it. This is what I deal with in a nutshell, just to let it go is all I wish for. Now I just ask to make it one more day.

 

[Sarg]

First thing, never leave a round in the chamber. It only takes a fraction of a second to rachet one in, but it gives us that one fraction of second to think about what we're doing. Second, you have to address your anger. Guanteed it will rob you of everything you love and care for. Including your freedom.

You have to talk to someone and right now. Be it VA or Vet Center or private if you can afford it but do it now. Your nightmares aren't helping because they are robbing you of sleep which makes us even the more irritable. So both the anger and the nightmares will have to be addressed concurrently.

Mad, you haven't tried all the meds. There are hundreds of them out there and I'm sure one or two has to bring you relief. Check in to Doxepin. It's a tricyclic, fairly innocuous, and four of them puts me out for hours. Check in to Prazosin, I think it was originally for the prostate but they found it helps with night mares.

Don't just throw up your hands and say the meds don't work, so I'm giving up. It takes time and work but you can lessen your symptoms. Please keep coming here and checking in as we want to help.

Take good care.

Sarg

 

[tho9900]

agreed - it took a long string of meds to find what worked for me.. and I still get bleedthrough sometimes worse than others... but we have an automatic sliding scale of dosage set up for that. I take Trazadone for sleep... up to 5 about an hour before I go to bed... puts me out cold and has the added benefit of being a minor antidepressant as well.

I agree with Sarg... it is too easy to accidently pull the trigger as well as be hasty and pull it before IFF occurs..

If all else fails and you are at the end of your rope one night I highly recommend calling the VA Crisis Hotline... I found them on the phone with them one morning and it helped a little... enough for me to wake it till the next mornign when they had scheduled an emergency appt for... that set in motion a chain of events that got me on the right meds..

It's 1-800-273-8255 Press 1 for veterans and service members

I would make an appt with the VA first thing in the morning... sitting by is only gonna let it get worse.. It's worked for me, hope they can find your right combo to even you out a bit...

Oh and the Trazadone takes you past REM sleep fairly fast so any dreams you have are short..

 

[Ted Moen]

Trazadone worked for me, letting me get enough sleep to get out of the ongoing state of sleep deprivation while I worked through my issues with a very good VA clinical psychologist for a few years. In the short term meds can reduce some symptoms, get you some sleep. In the long term you need to work through your issues with a qualified therapist, which means talking about all the stuff you don't want to talk about, and then talking through the stuff you really don't want to talk about. It will get very uncomfortable at times, but once you get to a certain point in talking through your issues you will discover things are manageable that you don't think are manageable right now and you will be able to learn and use the coping tools that will give you the quality of life you desire and deserve.

Ted

 

[Anglesachse]

The guys are right, on the meds I can`t say much, but to help with the dream/nightmares get a Dream Dictionary.

There are allways other meanings involved in dreams. and can it give you a bit of sanity back. A basic book on Dream Interpretation is a start.

I have a couple that I use, but they are all In German, so I can`t recomend them. But they do help with the real f*cked up dreams I find.

Gives yyou a better understanding of how dreams work, Your wife in real life, is very raely your wife in a dream, even if the women looks the same.

 

[shogun]

I took many steps removing the weapon from under the pillow condition 3,to nightstand condition 1, nightstand condition3, nightstand mag half inserted, lol. Each move I relearn the process and it takes months to feel comfortable again, but the other guys are right the extra steps involved in preparing to engage give us the chance (if in a flash back) to stop and realize what's happening. And in reality it doesn't sacrifice that much time with the level of comfort and skill most of us have with our weapons.

 

[combatgoldfish]

Mine is on my nightstand and my old lady has her's in her night stand drawer. She's used to the house clearing after a decade. Mine in locked and loaded, but find myself not clearing the house as often now that I have a dog. She goes nuts when some knocks on the door. Someone would have to jump the fence in the back yard in order to access any windows or door. And if someone broke in front the front, the glass breaking would wake the dog and or I.

I find I sleep decently if I take a few citaoprams (4) and an ambien. I still take 1-3hrs to pass out though. Sometimes nightmares and waking up in the middle of the night.

I take a trazadone once and awhile which seems to knock me out for 12+ plus.

 

[shogun]

Indeed. Having a watchful hound in the house has made it much easier for me to relax more.

 

[Ned]

I have always had a gun, made me feel more secure knowing that I could grab it in a pinch. Now I can’t stand not having it under my pillow, ready to go in a flash.

I have to go along with what the other blokes have said. If it's under your pillow, it should be 'made safe'.
No-one's going to ambush you in your bed. Shogun is right, add those couple of half-second conscious steps, drills will be there if you need them.

 

[Need an Oasis]

I agree with all of the above. I'm also on trazodone, it's the fourth or fifth one I tried, and I finally found that this one helps. Stick with it, you will probably have to go through a bunch of meds before you find one that works for you. Different drugs work on different people in different ways. Don't quit.

I also agree about the dog. Mine is a very good early warning system, and the cuddles help a lot, too. :)

 

[JarHed]

Having a weapon can make you feel secure. I like having them in my house, but just not that close. We're truly not in combat anymore. I repeat, we aren't in combat anymore. We don't need your hand on your weapon at all times. It takes a while to change your thinking. That's truly what it's all about. Re-conditioning your thinking. It takes time, be patient with yourself, you deserve that.

Meds do help as well. It does take time to find the ones that work best for you. Sometimes you just have to take it one day at a time. Sometimes hour by hour. You survived combat, and I'm glad you did, you can do this as well. We're here to help.It does get better.

Been afk of late, but I'm back.

Jar

 

[Jimmy1]

In all honesty Jar, I think a lot of veterans think its cool or tough. So what if they sleep with a Glok. Do they honestly think they are going to pop someone with it.