Reasons To Keep Living

[Ronin1]

Three reasons why I'm still alive.

1st. I don't have the balls.
2nd. My daughter.
3rd. My girlfriend.

The two last ones is also that I won't leave them that way as they would loose something, and they would be stigmatized for life by society as "The ones who's farther/boyfriend took his own life"

But man. I think about it every day. I think part of it is my mind insures that I know I have a choice with the beast. I can decide if I want to quit. I am in control when I say that I'll stay with the beast. It's my choice, and my choice only.
Hope it makes sense...?

 

[Sludge]

Three reasons why I'm still alive.

1st. I don't have the balls.
2nd. My daughter.
3rd. My girlfriend.

The two last ones is also that I won't leave them that way as they would loose something, and they would be stigmatized for life by society as "The ones who's farther/boyfriend took his own life"

But man. I think about it every day. I think part of it is my mind insures that I know I have a choice with the beast. I can decide if I want to quit. I am in control when I say that I'll stay with the beast. It's my choice, and my choice only.
Hope it makes sense...?

Makes sense to me. Perfectly.

 

[Jimmy1]

In my opinion you have to find that reason to keep living or it doesn't matter. It's a simple matter of mathematics, if the pain whether it be psychological or physical or both overrides the reason to live, then make sure your will is in order. The hardest part is finding that reason.
Human nature is to survive, it's why we have trouble drowning ourselves and why people choose methods like pills and cutting and a lot of suicides are accidents where they have meant to pull out at the last minute but it didn't work.

In cases where the pain overrides the reason there is no hesitation.

So when talking to someone in pain, you have to talk about reasons to live and not what the problem is. I search daily for reasons just to confirm with myself.

 

[Sludge]

In my opinion you have to find that reason to keep living or it doesn't matter. It's a simple matter of mathematics, if the pain whether it be psychological or physical or both overrides the reason to live, then make sure your will is in order. The hardest part is finding that reason.
Human nature is to survive, it's why we have trouble drowning ourselves and why people choose methods like pills and cutting and a lot of suicides are accidents where they have meant to pull out at the last minute but it didn't work.

In cases where the pain overrides the reason there is no hesitation.

So when talking to someone in pain, you have to talk about reasons to live and not what the problem is. I search daily for reasons just to confirm with myself.

Agreed. But what if there is no pain, only guilt?

 

[Friday]

Guilt is the most painful thing I know.

 

[Sludge]

For me it is the paranoia and general feeling of loathing for the rest of humanity. Not painful per se, but definitely makes me feel guilty. Truthfully, I'd prefer physical pain. I can knock that down a variety of ways.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

I'm not sure.
Part of my delusional mind is probably still hell bent on some sort of rage.
Whole life's been anger.

I've asked for death many nights.
So I fight myself, mentally imprisoned.
Suicidal thoughts come and go.
Those are the thoughts you really just gotta ignore and depressants such as alcohol amplify the difficulty.

It's all a test.
And I've already missed so many opportunities.

 

[Jimmy1]

Agreed. But what if there is no pain, only guilt?

it's the same mate.

Guilt is pain too, for survivors guilt, it's the pain of surviving when some of your mates or others didn't, or with me it's the pain of killing a kid when you didn't mean to. It all hurts, it's just words.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

We lost 11 brothers.
Some I went to basic with, some I only saw in other companies, or spoke a few words to.
Or said a smart ass remark to when being corrected.

Went from pin flares to 556 after that as an order.
I will never know for 100 percent sure I killed that guy.
It bugs me. Would at least be certain if we could of verified the body.
But with iron sights at that range. I do know no more IED's went off.
He hated me. I saw it in his actions when I yelled at him from the gunner hatch, "Come here mother f*cker!"
His head tilted back and he spit in the air, kicked the dirt and basically told me to f*ck myself.

I am probably 90 percent sure these days. But I would still of lived easier knowing for sure he died.
There was a burial on a hill and I watched the next day.

But we were clearing a route to give the Brits access to supplies in Sangin.
And after my "Kill" The empty compounds and mudhuts erupted in an 8 hour or so fire fight.
Outside a place called "Incomming man." 12 rpg's detonated, aimed at the Gurkha's behind me.
Medivac coming in etc. Super sonic cracks. Rpg's not deploying fins correctly and swirling randomly overhead.
I saw them scrambling soon as they dismounted. Trying to establish patrol bases along the hill. 9 or 10 days later when we finally
got fixed enough to push back to base, as we went back down the route all was quiet.

In the gunner hatch I prayed that man wouldn't appear back in that field alive.
I didn't want the embarrassment of other's saying I was wrong. As we continued, there was nothing.
Back at base I was greeting with, "Murderer." or "Assessino." In a jokingly manor that just wasn't funny to me.
"Retard killer." Each stung and made me second guess myself.

I trusted my gut.

 

[Sarg]

Nothin' will put the screeching halt to suicidal ideation like having a doc look you square in the eye and tell you, you have cancer. Kinda like winning the battle and losing the war.

Sarg

 

[Raven]

My reason. If I eat the barrel of a gun, what will happen to him?

 

[Raven]

And this little blighter even though he keeps getting his gross mustache wet and wiping it on me...