Reasons To Keep Living

[Raven]

And the damn cat. I guess I should be concerned about him too... Oh, and the asshole bird.

 

[vikingr24]

I have to stay alive and working as long as I can for my wife. She's younger than me. In this time of my life means a lot.

 

[Sludge]

Been thinking about this thread for quite some time now. I stated before I am too much of a coward. I wonder now if that is an oversimplification.
The more I think about it, the more I realize it is less cowardice, pain and guilt for me and more that as much as it sucks, my life is pretty good such as it is.

Sure, I hate myself and most of humanity, but thanks to what I had to do and had to see, I have a house, some pugs, a 58 VW bug, and a bunch of other shit I would not have if I hadn't signed up.

Hell, I even have a family however shaky that may be. My son is here now and that is likely the bulk of the guilt I carry. Because I was out running and gunning and occasionally hoping I could follow my mantra of "It flies- it dies." instead of being around to at least be a real dad, not just a picture of a squid in a jumper.


So my thoughts since this thread was born have changed. I got here because I didn't want to die. It would be highly illogical to go through all that just to die by my own hand. Well, that and just plain silly. I'd probably screw that up too.

:censored:

 

[vikingr24]

We have had our ups and downs, but my wife is the reason I live. If I lose her (she herself tried to kill herself when she lived in China) there won't be much to live for. And I have had a full life. Done things many others would envy. I like Roy Batty's was of saying it, in Blade Runner:

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.

Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.

I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate.

All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

Time to die.​

 

[Doc Malone]

The only reason I haven't is my 2 boys. If I wouldn't have them i would've along time ago

 

[Sludge]

We have had our ups and downs, but my wife is the reason I live. If I lose her (she herself tried to kill herself when she lived in China) there won't be much to live for. And I have had a full life. Done things many others would envy. I like Roy Batty's was of saying it, in Blade Runner:

I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.

Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion.

I watched c-beams glitter in the dark near the Tannhäuser Gate.

All those moments will be lost in time, like tears in rain.

Time to die.​

"Would you like to be modified?"

"I want more life!"

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Finding gratitude for what you do have each day is where it's at.
Society and TV all that shit, make us keep wanting to buy more an more shit we don't really need.
I'm fine. Might have some depressing days but nothing I can't already handle.
When it starts to spill over, or get out of my control I talk to someone, even if its just a message.

I wouldn't say I want to die, but I would say I am ready whenever that may be.
All I'm doing is farting around anyway. Just got suckered into some major bullshit.

 

[atilla]

My wife and son keep me from pulling the pin on this clusterf*ck world. I'm dealing with the beast now..confronting it head on. The triggers that I avoided all those years...like going out in public, I'm getting out there, dealing with it.. I'm in control and I refuse to let this shit beat me. I've been through a hell of a lot rougher shit and survived, I'll survive this.

 

[Iceman]

We all have our triggers. That is what really sucks. I was at a fireworks show with the family and we were sitting pretty close to the water front and the barges. Something everyone in the world does or should be able to enjoy. Too bad for me, I could hear every boom....wife had a death grip on my arm to prevent me from bolting.

Sometimes, wouldn't it be nice to just put on a pair of shoes and just walk. Walk walk walk, until you get to a place where there are no triggers or other people, so we can just be at peace with ourselves....

 

[atilla]

I can't deal with this pain, insomnia, anxiety anymore. I've tried to tough it out on my own, but I can't deal with it any more. Tired of trying to RTFU. The marijuana helps a hell of a lot, but this is what happens when you can't get it. I haven't taken meds for this shit, any kind , whether it be for pain or ptsd since 2005. I don't want to take pain medication, but I can't deal with it anymore. A constant 8 out of 10 on a good day, and I haven't had many good days here lately. I don't want to go back to the VA, my blood boils just thinking about dealing with them. I have medical insurance through my job, so I'm going the civie route. I see a doctor tomorrow morning here locally. Going to finally address the physical issues I have, and hopefully find someone here locally to help me deal with the mental ones. It''s getting to the point where all this shit is affecting my marriage, and I would rather pull the plug on this world of shit than to loose my wife. She shouldn't have to deal with all my shit. Last night I went off the reservation again, 2nd time in as many weeks. I destroyed my cell phone, smashed the mirror on the medicine cabinet and really scared the shit out of my wife. She doesn't deserve that. I'm slipping back into the pattern of uncontrollable rage, anxiety, and self-hatred. The feeling of being a burden to my wife is back, and the thoughts that she would be much better off without me, has come back with a vengeance. I just can't live like this anymore, so hopefully tomorrow will bring some progress. Atilla out.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

I can't deal with this pain, insomnia, anxiety anymore. I've tried to tough it out on my own, but I can't deal with it any more. Tired of trying to RTFU. The marijuana helps a hell of a lot, but this is what happens when you can't get it. I haven't taken meds for this shit, any kind , whether it be for pain or ptsd since 2005. I don't want to take pain medication, but I can't deal with it anymore. A constant 8 out of 10 on a good day, and I haven't had many good days here lately. I don't want to go back to the VA, my blood boils just thinking about dealing with them. I have medical insurance through my job, so I'm going the civie route. I see a doctor tomorrow morning here locally. Going to finally address the physical issues I have, and hopefully find someone here locally to help me deal with the mental ones. It''s getting to the point where all this shit is affecting my marriage, and I would rather pull the plug on this world of shit than to loose my wife. She shouldn't have to deal with all my shit. Last night I went off the reservation again, 2nd time in as many weeks. I destroyed my cell phone, smashed the mirror on the medicine cabinet and really scared the shit out of my wife. She doesn't deserve that. I'm slipping back into the pattern of uncontrollable rage, anxiety, and self-hatred. The feeling of being a burden to my wife is back, and the thoughts that she would be much better off without me, has come back with a vengeance. I just can't live like this anymore, so hopefully tomorrow will bring some progress. Atilla out.

f*ck, hey brother get the help you need for sure sounds good. What's up with the buddah? No access?
Make a list of the things that suck in life right now for you things that piss you off. Then flip the paper over and
write a list of the things that you enjoy, that bring joy. Never give up! I know you aren't a quitter. You can get through this shit!
You gotta ease that pain each day 8 outa 10 is way too high. Stay connected.

 

[Grizzly]

Get the help that you need Bro!

Call if you need to man. You have been granted fire support!