Relationship Reassuring Him Of My Love

[Miss Lissa]

Hi everyone!
Thanks for all the wonderfully supportive and informative articles here - it really makes it easier for me to know that I'm not alone in my supporter struggles.

My sufferer is going through a rough patch right now: winter is here, the Canada Revenue Agency is giving him grief, and with other world tensions it's hard for him to keep his PTSD cup from overflowing so to speak.

Last night I spoke with him about the accountants I had called for him (trying to help) with regards to his taxes and it upset him. Not that I had done something, but the whole tax situation in general. He said it wasn't worth the hassle and if it's going to be a big deal he'll go back to England where he's originally from. He was fairly calm, just tired and frustrated and expressing that he doesn't need this additional stress in his life, which I get. I try to do all I can to limit his stressors.

Anyways, all this led to a long and actually good conversation about our relationship. I expressed my insecurity with the fact that we weren't talking about marriage, despite the fact that he says he loves me. (He also says all the time that actions speak louder than words, so it confuses me that he says he wants to be with me yet doesn't act on it after 3 years) I also expressed that I find it hard that he doesn't show much affection, but expressed my gratitude for the moments when he does.
He then went to explain calmly that he wonders if I'm just settling for him since I was single for 10 years before him. He said that most women wouldn't put up with him - that he wouldn't put up with him.
He said that I've never had a grand romance and felt real love and that I deserved that. That I deserved to be swept off my feet.

You see, added to my sweetie's PTSD is the fact that he lost his wife nearly 7 years ago. He was very romantic with her (he met her before his trauma) and feels that I'm being cheated. That he just can't think to do these things for me, even though he loves me and feels that I deserve them. He said he feels guilty about that.

Because he lost his wife, he also avoids getting close because he's afraid to lose me too.

In sum, he loves me and wants to be with me, but feels that down the line I'll feel cheated. That I deserve better than him.

Really, I love him so much. He's made me so happy and given me more purpose and joy in my life. I mean, the mere fact that he thinks I deserve to be treated well makes me feel great. And he DOES treat me well, just in a different way. But he worries I'm just putting up with him because I think I can't do better.

Long-winded, I know, but how do you show or even try to prove your love and dedication to your sufferer. I want him to understand the depths of what I feel, to give him that comfort that I'm not going anywhere, but how?

 

[Astrid_Shadow]

I relate so well to your sufferer. Its hard to get close to people when you've been traumatized cause your afraid to mess up and lose them again. Your sufferer is wanting to show his love but he cant because he more than likely has flashes I'm not much of an affectionate person and thats why I can't keep a relationship to save my life. Show him that your not going anywhere. Tell him you understand and that you won't go away. Reassurance can really help at this time. If he pushes away don't try to cling to him. Let him come to you but always let him know that you aren't going anywhere and that you don't want anyone else except him.

 

[candor]

He also says all the time that actions speak louder than words, so it confuses me that he says he wants to be with me yet doesn't act on it after 3 years

Miss Lissa: It seems that he is choosing you to be his bride every time he is with you. He is not there cause he has to but because he wants to. He will value what you do more than what you say.

These are just things that I have concluded from personal experience and this forum. The rules that apply towards a regular romance and one where PTSD is involved differ a lot. The real question is how to reduce stress. Your stress and his. I have dropped a lot of stuff that I thought I might need but don't. Make a want list and a need list for yourself. My needs are much more important to me than my wants. Do you just want to get married or is it more like "it will kill me if I don't get married". Can some of the things on your need list go on your want list instead? Can something on your need list be enjoyed with someone else than him?

I personally was using the L word a lot and writing long declarations of never ending love and triggering the hell out of him. I'd jump up and down like a puppy crawling up from behind and ok... I learned otherwise. So RESPECT comes before love. I aim for closeness but ask permission for touching. A no to me means just "not yet". Eventually he does give me love but I don't stand around and wait for it. Any discussion about the relationship can be a trigger so even though he says its important for him, I have decided to really minimise this. I personally think that no strings attach works well for many that don't need the added stress of "living up to expectations".

 

[Miss Lissa]

You're both so right. I know he loves me and your words are reassuring.

I have realized that I do need to give up some of my childhood fantasies of the perfect weddings and picket fences. I want him. I want to be with him. I guess my marriage hang up is more to do with the fact that he was married previously and speaks about the depth of that commitment and I want that, too. I already feel that on my end.
I told him yesterday that it my mind we were already married.

(Sigh) it's just hard to let go of my own little fantasies, I guess. I just need to wait for him to feel more ready. Like you said, I need to let him know I'm not going anywhere.

Still wondering if anyone has tips for how they've gotten through to their sufferer?

I feel like getting flowers and making us a nice dinner tonight. :)

 

[candor]

>tips for how they've gotten through to their sufferer? Its not the perfect plan. I am all smiles and sunshine at all times: no complaints and I do not share my downs and always find an excuse to celebrate. It relaxes him cause he gets the illusion that he does not have to worry about me. Hey it worked in the 50's!! And loads of humor. Just find everything funny and adorable. Oh I wish I was getting flowers. LOL. Your guy sounds less of a challenge. Mine is a real baby at 50.

 

[Miss Lissa]

Thanks for all the advice. My man can be a bit moody, but definitely not a baby. But they do love things a certain way, don't they.

We've had a super stressful few days, which are never good. Going to see the tax accountant tomorrow, so we'll see where that leaves us and how it goes. We're seriously talking about him returning to the UK where the basic things will be easier for him. I'm more than keen to go with him, but I'm getting the classic push back on that.

He won't commit to me following him if he decides to go, which is hard. He says he'll go and then we'll see how he feels. That he loves me but that he doesn't want me to regret any decisions I make. Of course it hurts to hear him say that, I wish we were deciding to go together, with excitement, not because of his PTSD. He says he's worried that I'll resent him in the years to come because (at the moment) he doesn't want kids, and he says that he doesn't want me to be miserable. "Why would you want to spend the rest of your life with a miserable $#@#?" he asks. "You deserve so much better than that. I care about you too much to put you through that. "

It's so frustrating because it's the fact that he cares so much that makes me love him. That makes him the man I want to spend my life with. Yes, I want(ed) children, but I want to be with him more. Yes, there's a lot of stress, but there's also a lot of good. When he's in his dark place he has trouble seeing that and, as I said in my first post, I feel so helpless to convince him that I want a life with him.

I'm not stupid. I know there's always a chance I'll regret things later. But right now I just want him; his love, his support, his laughter, his smile. When he's able to give me those things, he makes me the happiest woman in the world and it more than makes up for everything else.

 

[Sighs]

Red flag for me here is that he does not want kids. You do. The fact that you describe his view as "at the moment" makes me think that you are hoping he will change his mind. He probably will not. At some point you will run out of time. Giving up motherhood for a man can lead to real resentment. I think you need to explore this with a professional therapist. Only my two cents.

 

[Miss Lissa]

You're very very right on that front re: children. It's hard because he blows hot and cold on the topic depending on where he is in his PTSD cycle. Thanks for the input. I've already done a lot of thinking and I need to do even more re: the fact it might not happen. Counselling is a good idea.

On a positive note: we met with an accountant today who has reassured us infinitely.

Oh, the roller coaster!!

 

[Sighs]

As the daughter of a combat vet with untreated PTSD - the roller coaster is especially hard on kids. Think very long and hard before you knowingly strap a child into the cart.

 

[Miss Lissa]

As the daughter of a combat vet with untreated PTSD - the roller coaster is especially hard on kids. Thin...

Thanks Sighs. You're right.

We've spoken again about kids and our general agreement is that we'd both like them, but not until we have some modicum of control (or coping strategies) over his PTSD.

I will give him credit for that: he's very responsible and doesn't go into things lightly.