Relationship Rebuilding: Ptsd Or The New Him? What's Normal?

[HEART BROKEN]

My husband used to be a talker...talked or texted during the day everyday, talked and talked about our day and feelings every night before bed...all that was before the diagnosis came.

When therapy began he didn't want me to ask him how he was or what he was feeling, he just needed me to "just be". Christmas was a happy time for him, he found joy in buying me gifts and presenting them to me. He also had a good therapy session and "realized" that he does love me "very much" and told me so.

Interestingly enough I just don't know where to go from here. He doesn't talk or text me during the day, doesn't talk to me at night before bed. I feel like I don't know what to say to him now, like we don't have things in common to talk about after all the changes. I know it sounds strange, but it's like we need to start dating again to rebuild or restart.

I was conditioned by his love and attention prior to his diagnose, now I'm not sure what to make of him. PTSD is very complex and I am sensative to that. He has been working thru the trauma, and I don't know where he stands with that, nor do I know where I stand, yes he did tell me after that one day of therapy that he loves me and showered me with Christmas gifts, but that was the extent of any attention.

My insecurities have gotten the best of me these days. I love him and trust him, but just feel like I don't know him anymore.....

How do you rebuild a relationship after the diagnosis of PTSD is made?? I'm trying to be open minded, haven't had therapy in a few weeks and won't for another 2 weeks. My therapist is traveling...ugh...

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Just dropping in to say...Strong strong. :)

 

[IvyMillie]

I can relate to your insecurities. I had an awful time to start with in my relationship with my husband. When he would close me off I just felt terrrible. I took it all so personally. It was just awful. I felt like I had to be so alone and that was scary and hard for me.

I did have to toughen up quite a bit. I've been married 20 years so you can imagine that it took some time. However, I think now things are a bit better. He also got much worse during therapy. He would be angrier. That's sadly sometimes true because it makes them think about things they don't want to think about it and process it.

Actually, I wasn't sure I wanted to hear what he was going through as it was the Vietnam war so he was processing that. I didn't think emotionally I could handle it so in some ways I was glad he wouldn't talk to me about it all. It was too horrible. Plus, I wasn't sure how to respond. I mean what do you say?

I think during those insecure times, you just have to remind yourself that your husband does love you and in the end of all this he will love you even more for staying by his side. If you end up having to be a bit tougher than you want to be, that is okay too (not what one wants).

For me I think it helped me in the long run, but then I was way toooooo insecure and it was part of my own personal issues that I had to face and deal with on my own. So it made me grow in ways I didn't really want to but really needed to. This helped our relationship in the long run where I wasn't so needy eventurally.

He really will come to appreciate you even more just be there for when he needs you and be supportive in the ways you can. Love means being unselfish and I can tell you are really like that which is very good for your relationship.

Men also show that they love you in different ways sometimes. My husband used to say "I support you don't I?" That was his way of showing affection. He would also say that if he didn't want to be around me he would become a long haul trucker. So far he never has taken that job. So I know he cares about me if he doesn't always verbalize it.

So maybe try to see the ways your husband really means to show his affection for you. Translate it to he loves you. Like he takes the trash out--that is a sign of love.

Finally, also remember that with PTSD it is typical for them to distance themselves from the ones they are closest to. It sounds like you and he were very close--so he probably feels the need to be distant from you right now. Give him time he will come around. It's great that he is trying to help himself and he is probably motivated because he knows he needs help for his relationship with you also.

 

[HEART BROKEN]

Thank you greatly for your wise advise IvyMillie! I am still all very new to this. Wishing this feeling would just dissipate, but realizing we are in this for the long hall of it. Each day brings more understanding that his trauma will never go away, and so we need to find new ways to navigate around it. IT IS the loneliness that gets the best of me as well and I too need to get tougher, thicker skin.

Things did get worse during the beginning of his therapy. He was very angry with me. He then started to come back around and my expectations were too high. We are in an "okay" place right now. I know he does love me, and I try and pick out his sutle gestures to get through my days.

I will continue working on my own insecurities in therapy. It seems easier for me to "fix" him, than myself of course....haha.