Reenactment in therapy

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Thinking it through, when she asked me what I had gotten out of the session where she said she worked really hard, too hard, to help me; I said some emotional improvements in my constant fear state and then listed a few practical things. And she responded "I hope you got more out of it than a few practical tings". And she said that in quite a forceful way. I wouldn't say shouting, but firm and spontaneous. I took it to mean, I have done it wrong again.
But I did list an emotional thing.
And I wonder if the question and answer turned into what she needed to hear?
And I needed to give her an answer to help her feel competent in her role?

Idk.
This is where it's confusing.

And I'm worried because we have next week and then she has a break. Part of me is dreading the break, the other part can't bear all this and is happy for the break. But I have no idea what adult me feels. Think I'm too much in a young state of mind.
 
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Ellierose2x

Policy Enforcement
It really helps to get your perspective as I'm just rolling around with feelings and frustrations. Hard to know which of them are valid and which aren't. Which are real and which are projections from the past.
how are your feelings today?
Made even harder to work out because I'm an expert in twisting the truth and telling myself things never happened and I don't have feelings about them even if they did happen. So it's a confusing mess in my head at times. I'm not sure she gets that, because I have said a number of times I struggle to know what is real and what isn't and she always moves on from that.
it seems so confusing, are you getting support? here you are, but in real life? are you able to talk to someone to ask about your problems?
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
Where I am at with it now about it all, is:

I think there is something in this manipulation thing that I can work on. I can see what she is saying. Whilst I am taking it to a place I'm sure she doesn't mean, I can be open to looking at the more uncomfortable aspects of my personality and change.

However, I also think she is bringing aspects of her stuff into this. And I feel silenced. And if I am needing to think about how I present makes her feel , given she asked me if I had considered how she had felt, then I am going to censor me. And i need to risk upsetting her by bringing this up, because therapy won't work if I am censoring me.
It's now turned into my and her feelings together, and I get there can be learning from that. But if there isn't, best I know now that she can't manage me in a very distressed state.
Because I have shut down my distress that brought all this on. It's still there, bubbling away underneath. But the focus is now all this. And I feel unable, totally, to even go to the trauma stuff for fear of her reaction.
Idk.
That's where I'm at now.
Angry?
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
how are your feelings today?

it seems so confusing, are you getting support? here you are, but in real life? are you able to talk to someone to ask about your problems?
Thanks @Ellierose2x , yeah, I got my partner who is very supportive and helping me work it through. And I've reached out to a couple of friends in the past couple of weeks as I've been very low, and they are checking in on me. So I have good support irl.
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
I was thinking, both what we are not guilty of @Movingforward10 , but also (speaking for myself) what we are.

I can't say I can relate to manipulation, but worse- I have burdened others and feel I have done the 'unforgiveable', yet can't exactly tell what precisely it was? So I cannot fix it, and sometimes I'm told what's unforgiveable, and other times not. It's probably just 'me'.

I have read it is an option to be angry back, focus on what the other person has done wrong. And in essence think of it as unforgiveable too. But that seems to take a lot of energy, and a particular mindeset that yes, makes (me) feel less personally awful, but Idk, isn't really an end in itself for me. Seems pretty inaccurate, but also Idk, draining?

Idk, I looked in the nirror today and actually saw a kind face, but maybe I'm not. And maybe some people are too much, for family or friends or T's. (I don't think you are, but I mean certain stuff or some of us can be).

Angry is ok, if you can talk with her. I hope you can resolve it and make headway, too. 🤗
 

Ellierose2x

Policy Enforcement
I was thinking, both what we are not guilty of @Movingforward10 , but also (speaking for myself) what we are.

I can't say I can relate to manipulation, but worse- I have burdened others and feel I have done the 'unforgiveable', yet can't exactly tell what precisely it was? So I cannot fix it, and sometimes I'm told what's unforgiveable, and other times not. It's probably just 'me'.

I have read it is an option to be aangry back, focus on what the other person has done wrong. And in essence think of it as unforgiveable too. But that seems to take a lot of energy, and a particular mindeset that yes, makes (me) feel less personally awful, but Idk, isn't really an end in itself for me.

Idk, I looked in the nirror today and actually saw a kind face, but maybe I;m not. And maybe some people are too much, for family or friends or T's. (I don't think you are, but I mean certain stuff or some of us can be).

Angry is ok, if you can talk with her. I hope you can resolve it and make headway, too. 🤗
awww i am so sorry. :( hugs hugs hugs
 

Movingforward10

MyPTSD Pro
I have a partner who is supporting me too so im happy for you :) hugs sis x
Glad you have support too.

I have read it is an option to be angry back, focus on what the other person has done wrong. And in essence think of it as unforgiveable too. But that seems to take a lot of energy, and a particular mindeset that yes, makes (me) feel less personally awful, but Idk, isn't really an end in itself for me. Seems pretty inaccurate, but also Idk, draining?
Yeah, I feel this.

And maybe some people are too much, for family or friends or T's. (I don't think you are, but I mean certain stuff or some of us can be)
I think there is this. But I had hopes with T, that the whole point is they are meant to be able to contain and manage and we're not too much for them? That we can let out that pain, without fear of overwhelming the other person, like we might do with those people in our lives who get hurt by our pain.

Angry is ok, if you can talk with her. I hope you can resolve it and make headway, too. 🤗
Yeah. I think whether it resolves it with her or means we process the end of our relationship, I feel I need to do that. Otherwise, what's the point? Idk.
 

Ellierose2x

Policy Enforcement
Glad you have support too.


Yeah, I feel this.


I think there is this. But I had hopes with T, that the whole point is they are meant to be able to contain and manage and we're not too much for them? That we can let out that pain, without fear of overwhelming the other person, like we might do with those people in our lives who get hurt by our pain.


Yeah. I think whether it resolves it with her or means we process the end of our relationship, I feel I need to do that. Otherwise, what's the point? Idk.
your so strong. keep going beautiful
 

Rosebud

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you @Ellierose2x you are kind. Though I feel embarrassed to be such a screw up, tbh. The only one more disgusted with not getting over this is actually me.

I want to thank you @Movingforward10 for this thread. I realize I have been operating like a trauma reenactment myself, feeling worried for and reaching out to others that don't want my care or me around, and yet still feeling that I care- just like my family. And then realizing they don't, and feeling ashamed that I do, again just like my FOO. But also realizing, though feeling shame is my responsibility, probably 24/25 people also would. But also, 24/25 people would also then feel angry.

But I have caused pain too. So have others to me. I should have never forgiven or put myself in their lives or allowed them in mine.

When we got our abused dog they said it was unbelievable how she continued to trust after what she'd been through. Eventually she got people who accepted her as is, and didn't find that wrong or anything but worth it, and worth the investment. Maybe one day I will, we will, too. In therapy and even with our wounds and imperfections.
 
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