Relationship Regaining Trust

[Rabit]

Due to a series of events, everything that I have worked for has fallen to poop. My girl friend who has PTSD, anxiety, and NLD (Non-Verbal Learning Disorder) does not trust me and keeps blaming me for anything that goes wrong, and anyone that does something she does not like. She then proceeds to grow it into multiple fights where I just have to take her yelling, and verbal assaults until she calms then have to let her trash me in social media messages with regard to my friends (I have already told then to just hear her and let her vent to which they said sure) then there will be a down cycle for a few days. It these cycles start with her thinking I am up to something to get rid of her but I am not. I reallyrics am in for the long haul but she never believes me. How do I get her to believe or trust me so that we can move forward?

 

[hodge]

First, welcome, Max. No illness justifies anyone treating anyone else the way you describe. I have PTSD and, yes, I did mistreat my husband for awhile after it came on, but I soon learned to rein that in. I had to learn in therapy how to deal with all the anger that was suddenly coming out. If I hadn't, we wouldn't have celebrated our 15th wedding anniversary last week.

You don't have to take it. You shouldn't take it. You can't do anything about her behavior. You can decide to not let someone abuse you. I understand you love her. I think the only chance of this working is for you to set boundaries of not tolerating her hurtful behavior. If she loves you, she will work on herself and get to the point where she can treat you well. I understand she's suffering. I've been there and am there, but that's no reason to lash out at loved ones. She needs to learn that. I would suggest you find a good therapist to help support you through this. I hope she has one, too!

 

[Rabit]

First, welcome, Max. No illness justifies anyone treating anyone else the way you describe. I have PTSD a...

Thank you for the advice, hodge, but I know that this is not her. She is a great person. I think that everything will be better and great again if I can regain her trust. The situation changed when some people changed their mind about what they said they would do and since I was the one that encouraged her to talk to others and try to take opportunities, it is sound reasoning for her that it is my fault.
So that broke the trust. I am hoping that you or anyone could help give advice as to how I can regain it.

 

[Newtoptsd]

Thank you for the advice, hodge, but I know that this is not her. She is a great person. I thin...

Hi There,

I am by no means an expert on PTSD, in fact I'm very very new to this! From what you've said above there is nothing you can say or do to reason with her when she has these outbursts. The only way she will be able to see that what she's thinking and feeling isn't enitrely rational is by seeking help and going to therapy, a therapist can help her see that the way she's looking and judging a situation might be slightly distorted and get her to look at it from a different angle. You cannot do this yourself if you're the object of her mistrust!

Is she in therapy at the moment?

Don't put yourself down and take the blame for something unless you have done something major to break her trust. It is hard for people suffering from PTSD to trust people and if some people in your sufferers life do something or behave in a way your SO doesn't like she CANNOT blame this on you. You are not responsible for other people's actions!

I hope you're ok, the best thing is to seek a therapist for her and maybe for yourself!

 

[Rabit]

Hi There,

I am by no means an expert on PTSD, in fact I'm very very new to this! From what you've sa...

Yes, there were therapists but she always finds something wrong with them whenever they tell her something she does not like.
She took my phone and read this thread. Now more in the untrusted list. I really am getting more desperate for answers or help to understand or solution.

 

[Newtoptsd]

In terms of understanding PTSD the only thing you can do is research research research!!

I've read 5 books and counting and I still feel like there will be so much more to learn and understand. For yourself I think you should see a therapist - just for your own sanity it will really help. Have you suggested couples therapy to her? If you're willing to go to therapy than surely she will see you're not finding a way out but a solution?

I can't give you any magic words or advice that would make her see sense, unfortunately when a sufferer is in full blown PTSD mode all sense goes out the window. It's up to you to decide what you are and are not willing to put up with? It really is hard as you don't want to walk away in an argument in case she takes that as 'right he's done' but then again what can you tolerate and how long does it go on for without her listening to your points?

It might be true what one sufferer said on here, that they lost respect for the people that put up with their bullshit and gained respect when they didn't. I think it's a case of not putting up with it and giving them time to heal and being there for them while they are healing but taking more of a backseat role and when they have coping tools you'll be there waiting! You cannot cure them or be their therapist.

I don't know the ins and outs of your situation so I can't comment too much so I apologise if what I'm saying is absolute drivel!

 

[Rabit]

In terms of understanding PTSD the only thing you can do is research research research!!

I've read...

Thanks for the advise. Ithank was not dribble. I will keep reading and looking for books to read and see how things go.

 

[Sophie's Daddy]

Yes, indeed, welcome to this forum. From the perspective of a sufferer not significant other, I heartily support seeing help in defining boundaries and other by products of life with a ptsd survivor.

She is a great person. I think that everything will be better and great again if I can regain her trust.

Trust, being the gigantic issue that it is isn't easily earned from me. Many times I've found it easier just to pretend I trust someone, or something or whatever I might be at odds with at the time.

Later, though I've found myself hating myself and regretting this facade of trust I'd put out to the world.

At such times for me, rational thought doesn't figure into things and I've vented on someone close for pretending before developing coping tools to help me.

As someone said in the last post, you can't be their therapist, and they're absolutely right.

So look back and see how much trust you've actually established with her. And therapy will help you regain your trust in her, too. That counts as much for you as for her.

In the meantime, you needn't take the harsh verbal abuse. I know what worked for my now-ex-wife in this regard in handling my outbursts.

However, it took work with a therapist for her to identify them beforehand and to walk away and leave me with my service dog, whose job it is to help me calm down. It's remained an excellent distraction ever since.

None of what you're dealing with is your fault so, yes, don't be hard on yourself for caring.

I wish you the best in discovering what will work for you.