Sufferer Reinventing Oneself

[Deleted member 30639]

Hi Friends,

I recently went through a kind of break in which it appears that it is necessary to hit a reset button on life. I'm still with my family, but I'm moving to the other side of the country, back to the climate I love, and FAR away from those who did this to me. New job, new place. I no longer expect my husband to be my therapist, although he's willing to go on as if he is. I feel I have taken too much from him, regardless if he's willing. I'm not grateful enough for what he's done for me. I have made excuses as to why with my disorders I cannot reciprocate, but in truth, I can love him better.

My inner children do not feel safe working one block away from the abuser. It is a gift to myself to start life anew. With that "Muse has decided to become Everglade" on this site. (I think I have DID, and I'm willing to go find out soon.)

I find myself panicing at that "hard part" in the healing, in which much trauma has been remembered and processed, in and out of therapy (mostly on my own) and I know I need help to get through this. I am moving to where I believe I can locate that. A huge part of me wants to bag all the work of the last four years. I'm switcing A LOT, and it's destroying my life. So all the PTSD healing has taken me to the DID level that needs healing. This just gets harder and more confusing. Like I've dug out of a prison into a less manageble one, and it's more than a set back. I'm triggered into switching by things like "feeling love." I grow so dizzy and my knees literally buckle.

It's taking too long and hurts too much to feel so powerless and like I have to flee the trigger, all that I love most. I don't feel like my progress is actually that. I see no point in healing having reached this point. Most days, I see it as a regression. I need expert advice and to get over myself to the point I will listen and take it in.

Thanks for any feedback to those who knew me as Muse. I feel like I switched into a new personality. Still don't know what's happening to me. Going a bit cray cray.

 

[SnowJo]

Husband your therapist .... alarm bells set off for me right there. That doesn't sound like you would be able to fully be yourself in that scenario as it gives too much power to someone else to define you (on the unhealthy boundaries list).
The good part was moving back to a place you love. You almost need to unlearn all the "therapy speak" to heal. Get back to nature and be in the moment around good people who are down to earth. Allow yourself lots of space and take your time getting to know people. Do not rush anything. Learn how to be your own best friend.
Do you have any kids? Not talking about the metaphoric kind or therapy speak "inner children". That's a model to enable people to learn how to take care of themselves, process emotions, and heal. But it is a construct and if you get too stuck in the model you can fool yourself and get stuck in "switching". I have been there until I recognized it happens in therapy only with those looking for it and soliciting a reaction to.a trauma event. I now realise my challenge is to learn how to normalize my experience of emotions and to learn how to take care of myself and set healthy boundaries. It's a constant work in progress. My focus is how to get more joy in my life through the simple things in life. Relationships are kept to friendships that have very strong boundaries in place and I withdraw when I feel I need to. I don't owe anyone anything accept my daughter whom I work at constantly strengthening our communication as she's a adult now.

 

[Deleted member 30639]

Sounds about right overall. But it seems like you're projecting onto me a bit rather than empathizing. I see these as two oppositional forces in response to other people. I am working myself on gauging the ratio of empathy/compassion to projecting myself onto them. I tend to do the later when what I see triggers painful emotions I'd rather not feel. It tends to make others angry when I try to connect over my projections. But I know I've done this, not really on purpose, and have gotten an anger/confused reaction from others. So I think I get it and don't need to feel anger too long. The "back off and stop projecting on me" feeling is natural defenses. Rather than just be angry, I think it's wise to think also, what is this person trying to say about herself and could I return that gesture with compassion rather than defensiveness?

I can relate to not owing people and w/drawing when needed. Yes. That is totally me. It's the staying and feeling my feelings part that I struggle with. I can hardly relate to others without being sedated. Outside Xanex and Clonidine, I close up like a turtle pulling into the house, literally and emotionally around others.

I'd like to be able to feel safe enough to express and connect without drugs. I don't know if that will ever happen. But it'd be a life goal; after 4 years of hard working on processing trauma, I don't see it happening soon, and I'm 38 so there is still some time, but not during my youth.

Don't know if any of this is a proper response to what you're saying, but I will re-read it when less tired and think about this over a long time. I tend to reflect whenever I have time.

 

[Chava]

Do you retain memory of your self and what you've been doing when you "switch"? I ask because I "switch" or have so jekyl and hyde moments but I'm not totally dissociated or amnesiac towards those changes (I don't have DID). So hopefully you can pursue a better assessment if you think you have DID.

A few years in treatment really isn't that much if your trauma was early and complex. It took me 2-3 years to more often even feel like my therapist was "real". Once that is established, then we can work on connecting better. It does work in a progression like that, but slowly. I do feel like I'm connecting to others better, but that in itself is scary and new. So I connect and tiny bit, then go back into my shell.

 

[Deleted member 30639]

I don't always retain memory. In fact, that is my worst thing, memory. My husband, who I've been with for 20 years since we were 18, knows more of my history than I do. I am used to this. My sister retains my childhood history, and he retains my adult history. I don't retain much at all. I often cannot remember the day before this one.

If I look at my possessions, I cannot remember buying them often. But I don't say that I don't remember these things in particular, because it's all hazy. I don't know how I function so well at work. I seem to be better there, and I have tools like Outlook to keep track of things.

 

[SnowJo]

Sounds about right overall. But it seems like you're projecting onto me a bit rather than empathizing....

Yes some would be projecting, some concern. Certainly not trying to piss you off but may end up doing so because this is a challenge to your situation, so I get that. 10 years ago was coerced into a "relationship" with a counselor which was extremely unhealthy, he had a pattern of doing this over a decade and one of the women killed themselves. Whilst this man honestly thought he was the saviour to all of these women, he would pronounce diagnosis of DID all over the show and almost delight in the power he had to demostrate my lack of control over done trauma triggers. I eventually grew strong enough to tell him to f. Off, and trying to save the life of my friend, his latest victim, went to the human rights commission on advice of my female doctor whom also knew if abuses between psychiatrists and counselors and their "patients" and was as incensed as I was. I don't know the age difference or the power imbalance in your situation, it's obviously been a long relationship. This counselor was making moves to "legitimise" and make public our relationship after 2 years, I think he was hunting for partners that fit his criteria through his practise. Anyway, I was extremely attracted to him, which is now I realise because he was a psychopath seeking complete control over my personality and inflicting "therapy" labels and triggering traumas in the guise if being my saviour which was a replica of my father. So here u had finally met someone mad enough.

Did some of it help, yes because I learned to spot assholes, but does this make this ok, no. If I had a normal healthy counselor relationship I believe I would have healed much quicker. He broke my trust and the longer it went on the more "split" I felt. It makes it extremely difficult to trust counselors and I continue to work on myself, and to decensitize my triggers in am attempt to normalise my experience if emotions.

The biggest a ha moment for me was realising the goal, the aim of therapy is to help me be happy, mormal as possible life and to help me feel more connected to myself and nature, and to try and stabilize the effects of trauma by reducing the amount of triggers and learning to define myself fir myself instead of others defining me. I will not allow counselor to over diagnose or talk labels with me now, zero interest in their definition of broken,100% interest in wellness, joy and learning to normalise my experience of emotions over time.

Having been brought up by a psychopath my being was controlled by the agenda if a very unstable sick person who supposedly "loved" me.

Today I know it was that when I "go back" into major trauma memories of which I have a large amount to choose from, it is simply not possible to define myself from that place, and it's not possible to piece it together as it's his broken puzzle, not mine. Then there's all the other broken puzzles that were going on for my family. So I have after over 20 years if therapy with different counselors, my current one being the best, realise I have to build me, for me, and learn to define myself for me and stay away from anything that reflects back a " broken self image".

I choose now to normalise myself, my experiences of the past make complete sense to ne now. They were a reflection of a crazy broken puzzle if psychopaths who didn't have a clue how to raise a child or nurture a child or reflect to me who I was, so that's my job now. And I choose yo be a good mother to myself, I choose to be my own best friend, and if that means being "opinionated" or having to be louder in defining my boundaries snd who I am, then I am ok with that. I don't seek to hurt others, but where my experience may help save someones life. I will speak out because I am brave.
At 12 years old I stood up against st my father and told him to leave in front if my family in spite of having him threaten to kill me, beat me and strangle me daily for almost a year. At 30 years old I took the counselor who was having "relationships" with his clients to human rights commission and won. That poor girl died after 6th attempt at suicide btw, he played a big role in that. So when I see something I sense is wrong I speak out and yes it gets me I trouble but I can live with that. I wish you the very best. I think moving to somewhere you love is a gray move, you might find inner strength you never knew you had.

 

[Deleted member 30639]

I'm so sad to read what happened to you with that therapist and your horrible father. Totally horrible and I relate.

I, too, had a similar father, and both father and mother used torture to control and get away with the abuse. I got away from them, but my sibs are under their payroll and control to this day.

I also had a 1st time (for me) T. like that when I was 21 (am 38 now) who had his license taken away.Naturally, my mother selected him for me. One pschopath finds another. My parents also tried to arrange my marriage (and that is NOT NORMAL within our WASP culture of the 90s USA) to one of their church staff they helped hire, and also tried to select college majors for me, Surprised?! (Ha, ha! I have to laugh about it today or I'll feel too angry.) Control is the name of the game with their types.

My mother told me that she needed to "break me like a horse." Which is why she failed; I'm not a horse, and I'm stronger than she is. But PTSD did ensue, as well as a pervasive and deep need to never see the Pieces of work again. I don't know if I have DID/MPD because I do have some of the issues, so a dissociative disorder of some kind for sure.

Like, I can't stand to read something I've written because it wasn't "me" who did that, literally don't know if I wrote it. I don't know how I have been able to do what I've done. Most days I am too tired to do anything.

I can see that you have been through hell,and then some more! And with a T, that is super retraumatizing, as a trusted authority figure. I truly loathe these guys for being predatory and abusing their power. Same goes for anyone in leadership roles.

I still say Projecting is what you're doing though. I do it all the time, so I don't see it as a problem if you can feel what it feels like when you're doing it. Been there recently. I and know how it works with me and the reactions I predictably get from those I project with. Typically, it always is where I see a potential threat where there is no need to YET! Yet, is the critical missing piece (hypervigilant is my middle name).

My h is not a T. Totally different situaiton; maybe my phrasing triggered you based on your trauma with a T. I don't know your situation, but could be, like me, You're seeing it everywhere. That's pretty normal with trauma.

I happen to not see this as a problem. Rather, it only matters how it affects you and your happiness day to day. I assure you that I'm safe, or at least as safe, supported, and stable as I've ever been. Which seems to be why I am "strong enough" to now have all this dissociated trauma come tumbling down on me now, that and having a difficult daughter who looks and acts like me, at the time of the trauma. So there's that.

I am not angry at you at all. Just feel sad that someone else had to live this nightmare.

 

[SnowJo]

I'm so sad to read what happened to you with that therapist and your horrible father. Totally horrible...

Yes triggers triggers everywhere lol. Wow I am sorry for you experiences at the hands of psychopaths and how deep it cuts when it's your parents :(..... wow your mother's comments hurt even to hear, no your not a horse and neither do horses need to be "broken" either. They can be seduced into wanting to have a positive relationship with humans through trust and respect. I visit these 3 horses every day on my way to the field to find myself :).

I can relate to the extreme things that happen as a result of processing trauma, but I now see myself on a journey of having everything I need, just rewiring and learning new skills to help achieve being who I truly am. The "broken" labels really kept me sicker for a while there, and now I'm fighting for myself to health and happiness I'm becoming a truer version of me. Given my experiences growing up in the reflections of psychopaths, the personality doesn't get to form as a whole but what my aha moment in therapy was when I realized hang on that makes complete sense. . I was only seeing myself in the broken puzzle reflection but when I don't focus on trauma and go into a field and become me.. I have had to take frequent breaks from "trauma" processing over the years to get some kind of balance between living today and healing.

I hear what your saying about projecting. Some is. Some is sharing my experience in the hope someone may benefit and gave their own aha moment. I gain great insight when people share their journey from their heart no hokes barred, it helps me I accepting myself and my own journey.

I know that to have survived what you have you must be a truly amazing person already and wow kudos for walking away! Love it!

Not sure how I will be able to have my boundary up enough to still connect emotionaly and not get triggered into defence of projection... but everything is a work in progress :)

 

[SnowJo]

Btw I can relate to all if the things you say about writing and also being tired all the time. Processing trauma emotions is very tiring. Pace yourself and take special care of you. For me Tea, scented creams and candles, soft blankets, minted natural lip balm, hot barh or shower, cuddling animals, looking at pictures of nature, sitting in a field.. etc

 

[Deleted member 30639]

Processing trauma emotions is very tiring.

Absolutely true. Maybe moreso when the stuff is harder to access, like traumatic emotional fragments. Very tiring. People have no idea.

You're right. Self care is probably so critical, as is just realizing this is part of this healing process and not wrong.

Thank you for sharing your story and experiences with me. Yes, it is healing. Very valuable to hear.