Rejection...... Is She Ever Coming Back?

[Aching65]

Good day,

I have been in a very rocky relationship with S for 4 years now. We started chatting for 2 years, before leaving our respective partners and started to date. Since then, we have been on and off numerous times, mainly because of my immaturity. I have been spoiled all my life without being really in love, I had to struggle with guilt and then she found me chatting on internet which I have eventually dealt with.

She is 38 YO, I am 48. I have finally found someone I really care about and we still live separately as I am still not officially divorced.

After sorting myself out, we have been dating very happily for 9 months, when all of a sudden she left telling me I was stressing her and she did not love me.

I have always been supportive, after a little break, we talked, and I discovered several issues, one of them being that I triggered her flashbacks. She has been abused sexually 4 times between age 4 and 14. I knew that and have always been very cautious, but I kept kissing her breasts, which she claims she did not like. I always thought it was some sensitivity issue, but it seems it was not.... I did not relate this to her previous assault, as her refusal was on and off.


Anyway, I suspected she had developed PTSD. For a long time, she refused treatment, saying our relation had just run its term and that we were done. She tried to date me again, I could see she was struggling, and I eventually managed to get her to accept councelling after I promised to pay for it myself. She is working extremely hard on it, reading as much as she can, doing all her "homework"

Until recently, we were still dating. I gave her all the space she wanted, supported her all I could, but a couple of weeks ago, she again states that she is not in love with me, she likes the man I am, but does not feel in love.

I believe her councillor has told her she is in the numbness phase and she can't feel any emotion, bad or good. It probably explains why she keeps rejecting me and trying to avoid all contact with me.

2 weeks ago, she is all cuddly and loving, she tells me spontaneously that she loves me, then all of a sudden she is gone. I believe her therapy has taken her right in the middle of the trauma, and it is overwhelming to her.

I have been feeling more and more in love with her as we were struggling, and I really feel we should be extremely happy together when she gets over this. We have so much in common. I fell I can take any insult, any assault, verbal or physical from her. For the first time in my life it does not phase me as I love her. But I am starting to wonder if that type of rejection is common, and if she will ever come back.

Any insights from the numerous people here who have experienced this? I know she still cares about me as I can see she always checks what I have been up to, checks who I have been seeing. A couple of days ago, she even told me like " when I am old, I will most likely develop Alzheimer's as it runs in my family, and I want you to place me in a home and restart your own life.....)

I wonder..... How can help her the best, and what can I expect?


Addendum....apparently I am the only one who has ever created this issue, and she has never told any of her family member or friends about her assault. It is also the first time that she is dealing with her past...



Thanks

 

[nursenurse]

Here's my deal breaker: YOU ARE STILL A MARRIED MAN. Fix your own baggage. She doesn't need yours on top of hers. Here's the other kicker. Anyone, either you or her, who has left one partner for another, stands a good chance of doing it again. She found you chatting up others, you would have lost most women's trust right there. This whole thing is too messy to even comment properly on. If he says she isn't in love with you, do not blame PTSD. Just because she may have it does not mean it is PTSD that is causing her to say this, she may be be saying this because A) she can't trust you, B) you aren't divorced, and C) she just doesn't love you. PTSD does not make what you want to happen fit the mould. "I know she loves me, it's just the PTSD." Wrong, on so many counts.

 

[Alfred.Greene]

Your both in a place of upsideness, and you don't know anything. i think you simply need to take time to figure out your life, and not really hers. You understand? Don't worry about whether she is coming back, focus.

 

[Aching65]

Now, nursenurse, are those fair comments? We both left our respective partners for each other, and divorce proceedings were started 2 years ago on my side. She just lived in a common law relationship, so it was faster for her. Proceedings are finally over and will be finalized next week.

With regards to chatting, that was 2 years ago when I was a stupid spoiled bastard, as I did not know better, and it is something I had done most of my life, never really meeting anyone. That was dealt with immediately and I have not chatted for the last 2 years. I know it eroded her trust, but she also knows that I have dealt with it. And as it is now, despite all the problems, I am not chatting.....[DOUBLEPOST=1401416230,1401416108][/DOUBLEPOST]Thank you Alfred, I think you are right, I have to focus on myself. S has so much to deal with, and chose to do it alone..

 

[Alfred.Greene]

Hey man, look, i know it is hard, being only a young man of 20 maybe I don't know what I am talking about. For me, these are the moments that make me or break me, knowing what I have to do is always hard. Move on, someone out there is ready.

 

[nursenurse]

I stand by everything I say. I have been down you road, and it is sticky. I would not trust either of you, truth be know. At any rate, maybe you have dealt with with your chatting issues, maybe she really hasn't. Who knows. It is not a nice situation to be in. But is hse says she doesn't love you, do not blame it on the PTSD. Leave her be and let her figure it out. It might be what you wat it to be ie PTSD affecting what she says, or she just may know herself. You are married and neither of you have any business getting involved in each other's business until the divorce/separation in her case are over and done with. there is too much baggage with that. She needs to work on herself without anyone pushing her, and until you sort yourself out, you are no good for anyone, including her.

Forget her, work on being unspolied, work at being divorced, I don't why you have left the missus, but I bet for every bad story you could tell, the ex could top it, but in most cases, and I am not saying this is your case, if the prospective cheater had out in half the time to the marriage, sought professional intercession, the relationship may have stood a decent chance of survival. Enter younger woman, older man, and POW. discarded. Woman has baggage herself, it doesn't look like a definitive diagnosis. She says she doesn't love you, bottom line. Move on and make a decent life with yourself minus the dramas of horizontal mambos and woman who hare already taken. Realize that the only person you can fix is yourself. Live a decent life. If she works on her own, she may come back, she may not. You may be chasing a fantasy. The only way to know is to give space and not think with gonads.

I stand by my original post, bytw. It is tough for a reason. You need to think and still have growing up to do. Support here comes in many forms, and tough love is one of them. She needs to be on her own, most PTSDers in the midst of therapy cannot deal with a committed relationship, they need to focus on them, with no pressuue.

In a non PTSD relationship, you would be out on your ear.

Make your life, go out with guys, no dating even casual if you are hoping for her to contact you. Tell her once that you will be there to support her is she wants. then leave her alone as the adult she is. And live somemore yourself.

 

[Alfred.Greene]

Isn't that idk rude to make assumptions like that?

Granted. I agree with most of what your saying. Your just kinda being mean it seems.

 

[Aching65]

Well nursenurse, thanks for your input, and it is taken and accepted. I also said I will be divorced in 1 week time. And I spoke to counsellor and a psychiatrist who concur she has PTSD. So now I just have to leave her deal with her problems on her own then.

 

[nursenurse]

They are not rude, I go by what is posted. I don't believe in hand holding at all. PTSD is a bummer, I have supported both sufferers and supporters here, and I have told some from both camps to turn away, and others to work on it. I have friends here who suffer badly from PTSD.

As it is a public board, you get what comes your way, good or bad, and you are free to take what advice or to listen to what words you would like, and forget the rest. It also comes from a wealth of experience in life and over a year's worth of being on here. I will never sugar coat, so if it seems mean, so be it. Take what you can, reflect on yourself, and become the person you are meant to be. In this world, it really doesn't matter what I or anyone else says, it is all about how you help yourselves and see the big picture . If encouraging you along and being blunt gets the brain out of neutral, then good.

I still stand by my words, no apologies.

 

[Aching65]

I did not find you rude nursenurse. I know more than anyone how immature I was, how selfish I was. And I know this has been death with. I indeed said I was a spoiled brat in the initial post...

 

[bell]

Erm, she hasn't been diagnosed herself, right? Well, you, your counsellor and your psychiatrist can't diagnose her without her being there. Stop telling yourself she has something until she has been diagnosed.

 

[Aching65]

Bell, it is her therapist who told her she has PTSD