Relationship Basic Rules

[BloomInWinter]

Found this article so helpful & true for me...

1. No violence.
2. Recover from addiction.
3. Don’t cheat.
4. Keep trying to get help.
5. If therapy is not successful try again.
6. Do not make matters worse with drama.
7. Do not blame drama on anyone else.
8. Disengage when provoked.
9. Your actions are your responsibility.
10. It is your responsibility to protect yourself.
11. It is your responsibility to heal yourself.
12. You are not responsible for your partner.

​

Wish I had this list when I was dating, but am feeling good that my hubby and I work on these things well. :>

 

[Heather]

I like this too but i struggle with # 11because it really pisses me off that it's my responsibility to heal myself when I'm NOT the one who did this to me but I'm the one that has to clean up the mess of my shattered, broken, dysfunctional, non-working, mess of life while the person(s) who did this stuff to me get to walk around like nothing, having to endure no consequences for their behavior....so yes, I have a huge big fat f#$king problem with # 11. Other than that I really like the list. I think I'm having issues these days.

 

[Deleted member 5760]

I like this too but i struggle with # 11because it really pisses me off that it's my responsibility to heal myself when I'm NOT the one who did this to me but I'm the one that has to clean up the mess of my shattered, broken, dysfunctional, non-working, mess of life while the person(s) who did this stuff to me get to walk around like nothing, having to endure no consequences for their behavior....so yes, I have a huge big fat f#$king problem with # 11.

I totally get that heather - I harboured a lot of anger for a long time too. Still do if you catch me on an off day. But I think the point is that - well basically, if I don't take responsibility to heal myself I'm the one who will continue to suffer. So really, if I let my anger and bitterness destroy my current relationship then I'm actually giving power to whatever/whoever caused my PTSD.

I guess number 11 is about self enpowerment. That's how it reads to me anyway.

 

[Heather]

This is why I'm so glad I found this site because there are so many people out here with different p.o.v. and insight and each bring a different perspective.....thank you all of you for unending support, wisdom and encouragement.

 

[Pickle]

Thank you for posting this BloomInWinter. Its what I needed to read tonight; especially #10, 11, and 12. Like Heather, I am very grateful for this site.

 

[lovinbiker]

if I don't take responsibility to heal myself I'm the one who will continue to suffer. So really, if I let my anger and bitterness destroy my current relationship then I'm actually giving power to whatever/whoever caused my PTSD.

I guess number 11 is about self enpowerment. That's how it reads to me anyway.

Well said Jen, I did wanna try and say something like that to my sufferer but didnt know how to put it without sounding like I was just trying to tell her to get on with it.
I think you put it into words what I wanted to say thanks.
LB

 

[BloomInWinter]

This list is now the norm in most of my life. It's taken a long time but it's been worth it!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Thank you Bloom for the reality check. It was comforting to read the list. My husband and I practice the list. It was validation for me tonight for some things I am struggling with. Thank you for sharing this list. I especially liked eight and nine. Wise words.

 

[MissMacD]

This is a hard list for me because I have a boyfriend who has a really hard time being empathetic. When I have meltdowns because I can't take anymore or when I really need him for something he has a hard time understanding why and what I need him to do. Most of the time it's simple things like just holding me while I let out my garbage (not at him though).

Arguments are really upsetting and triggering for me but we are getting better at communicating. I need to learn to walk away more when I get provoked and I need to help him understand why I need to walk away. Approaching issues in my relationship with PTSD hot on the table has been straining but hasn't broken either of us. A sign that my man is seriously worth keeping around.

I am pretty much at my worst - therapy starts next week - and he is still by my side. He doesn't smoke or drink or do drugs. He may be tough on me sometimes but it is always out of love. Being an accepted part of a family for the first time since I was a little girl is a very mixed mash of things. He hasn't kicked me to the curb or given up on me when I have been living my nightmare and I know it has been hard on him.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, I am learning to walk away when I am provoked. It is really hard. But there is a saying lest said soonest mended. I am also trying to learn how not to take things so personally. I want to grow to the point that I can actually laugh off the nonsense directed towards me. I just do not want to take it seriously anymore. I hope this is not too off topic. I just wanted to say I understand where you are coming from. Other peoples out of control anger is a real trigger for me.

 

[MissMacD]

But there is a saying lest said soonest mended. I am also trying to learn how not to take things so personally. I want to grow to the point that I can actually laugh off the nonsense directed towards me.

I am so sensitive and get hurt so easily because I have been the @$$ of jokes so many times in my life. When he is sarcastic I often feel targeted and it isn't intentional but it's because I haven't dealt with my trauma yet.

So glad therapy starts next week, I am so ready for this.

 

[Nicolette]

Most of the time it's simple things like just holding me while I let out my garbage (not at him though).

Tell him...please!... as a supporter we try so hard and if you are honest with us it helps us help you as we really do care and don't go out of our way to intentionally make things harder.