Relationship Basic Rules

[MissMacD]

Thanks Nicolette. After years of being silenced finding healthy ways of telling him these things because I am so afraid of him accidentally probing my past. My depression triggers are so unpredictable that simple things can get really complicated. I am also careful because I don't want to hurt him, and aside that I am used to suffering alone as sad as it sounds. While I was growing up there wasn't anyone to turn to, so I found hiding places to cry silently. Crying was a crime in my house so learning to do it in front of someone is really scary.

 

[Nicolette]

MissMacD I appreciate what you are saying but baby steps are good... like get him to hold you when you are starting to get upset and then you can go if you need to cry and don't want to do it infront of him. What you wrote makes perfect sense. That way you can both learn and come together slowly.

Have you thought about just writing a note saying something like 'it helps me if you hold me when I feel bad but when I cry I get embarrassed and just need to be on my own'. Men do really well with knowing where they stand and if he asks you questions I sure he will respect you saying something like 'if you don't mind once I work it out then I can tell you - that is why I am going to therapy'.

I know its really hard but he is none of your past. :hug:

 

[MissMacD]

Anything emotional these days is too much for me because I am so overdue to see a doctor. Have been on a waiting list for CBT for 1.5 years because I had some scary adverse reactions to medication. My CBT therapy finally starts on Monday.

When my PTSD is bad everything is 100 times harder to do.

 

[BloomInWinter]

My marriage has gotten so much better since couple's therapy. My CBT T. learns about my hubby, and translates his behaviors to me, and gives me suggestions for how to encourage the good ones, prioritize ones which are hard on my, and how to ask for what specfic behavior I need.

Not 'thought' or 'feeling' he should feel - that's unreasonable to demand of any human being - but a specfic, observable behavior. 'I need you to not stand over me when you are angry.'

I spent far too many years believing that we couldn't be closer until he understood me. But that's impossible for anyone, even me.

Instead, I only need acceptance, validation, and comfort.

I also agree with Gizmo. I no longer pile on heaps of detail when I need something. :)

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Just curious, how long have you been married??

 

[BloomInWinter]

14 years. :)

 

[tll]

I'd say number 12 is the hardest. When I'm in a relationship what I want most is to make the other person happy, even when I can't make myself happy. But, I'm always depressed so it rubs off on my boyfriend and it makes me feel so responsible. If he didn't have to deal with me and my hundred triggers and nightmares than he probably would be happy. If I didn't have PTSD our relationship would be so much easier. I wish I could un-tell him everything and suffer alone rather than have him always worrying about me and whether or not I'm taking care of myself. I'm glad he cares and I don't know what I'd do if I he didn't love me but he gets the losing end of everything. I do feel responsible for him, I'm the one making him suffer.

 

[Tanishq]

I like #8, I needed that. When I am provoked by something I make a mistake of engaging in it more.

 

[Tanishq]

But there is a saying lest said soonest mended.

gizmo, Could you please explain this to me? I am not understanding this part of your past.

I can laugh now if something is targeted towards and if that is coming from someone who doesn't know me at all. But if someone knows me and tries to make serious fun with me, that can make me angry and frustrated.

Other peoples out of control anger is a real trigger for me.

This does remind me of my dad's extreme rage anger.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Congrats on 14 years, Bloom!

I coulda used these rules in all my marriages. I know I 'pick' the wrong men, so I quit. Been single for 18 years now. The only way to prevent another divorce is to NOT get married!

I've committed to taking care of my parents until the day they get to 'escape' this world, because they have always 'been there' for me since we worked it all out when I had my kids. Especially, when I had my Dina and divorced within the year. It is rare for marriages to work out when a child is so ill or handicapped.

My longest marriage was 4 1/2 years, only because I couldn't get rid of him earlier...LOL.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Jaret, lest said, means not many words, and soonst mended mean staying calm produces better result. It calms the situation down. Hope that explains it to you.

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

I agree. When we are angry things 'fall' out of our mouths that we would never say if we weren't angry. So, walking away, with an agreement to discuss the problem when the adrenalin settles down is the logical way to 'argue'.

Words can't be taken back, so healing is easier if they are never said in the first place.