Relationship Confusion

[Matilda]

Lately, I've been really struggling with not being able to speak to any friends about what I've been through. I suppose it doesn't help that I haven't seen my therapist for more than a month (I know, I'm going to try returning once I switch to my new, less time consuming job, in two weeks) but I really want to speak to someone besides my T. Is that okay, should I really try trusting someone again by disclosing my experiences. The last time I did that, they:
a. Went nuts and forced me to tell them details I didn't want to disclose. They then tried "counselling" me and only gave me pity and/or sympathy (can't stand either). Pretty much the very definition of what you shouldn't do when someone tells you about trauma. [This list includes my mom, teacher, dean, and my mom's pastor]
b. Brushed it aside and never really listened to me. No pity or sympathy, but also no empathy. They completely dropped all contact with me after a month of disclosing. [my best friends]
So obviously, I'm hesitant and I don't want to feel vulnerable. I'm so strong willed and like to have everything in control. I need to have others believe that I'm a brick wall. I have my scars, but I won't fall.
I don't want the word to get through gossip and I'd rather my mom not find out that anyone knows (I think she's scared of the stigma associated with childhood sexual abuse). For her, MY ABUSE, was really her abuse more than mine (I don't know if that really makes any sense).
I'm also exhausted of the reactions I get. I'm tired of the shock and I'm tired of the pity. I just want to talk and I just want to be more open.

My other problem is, I really can't connect with my boyfriend at all. Valentines day ended up being very triggering and I spent the next two days in an angry clouded state. Nothing happened, it's just I can't stand being in a relationship. I can't reciprocate romance. For me, love is a very convulated matter. I don't know how to love and I don't really have anyone that I feel such intense feelings for. I want to end the relationship, but I don't want to break his heart. He's so frail and he's barely been through anything. He even told me that his greatest accomplishment in life was asking me out since everything has always been handed to him on a silver platter. He really, really, really likes me. I can't stand that pressure on me

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well, for starters, end the relationship with your boyfriend. Never going to end it? So if he asks you for your hand in marriage, you will say yes? When will it end? It will hurt *less* if you end it now rather than drag it on out. Take away years of his life when he could be out there finding someone who truly loves him, and you'll see just how fast love can turn to scorn.

How much are you disclosing? Is it anything more than "I was sexually abused"? People really can't handle much more than that. And many can't even handle just that! Its important to be choosy when deciding whom to tell.

 

[Matilda]

With my teacher, who is a trusted adult in my life, I hinted at sexual abuse because I was having a complete meltdown in my life.
With my friend, she found out that my father was threatening me in June (she accidentally overheard a phone call where he was screaming in the phone) and her parents invited me to hide out at their home until I left for another state to work with her. There I felt like I could trust my friend and another close friend so after they coaxed me (after I had a panic attack) I, very briefly, told them that I had been assaulted when I was younger. I never, ever went into much detail with anyone (except for my mother and a counselor she hired who forced me to share details. And my therapist).
I know people can't handle it which is what frustrates me so much because I wish people could know. And it frustrates me even more that people who coax me to speak, still can't handle it. My abuse is a fundamental part of who I am, whether I like it or not, and I feel like I have no voice. I feel overwhelmed when no one can understand why I can't reciprocate romance. I feel frustrated when people don't understand why I don't want to be touched without permission first or at least a warning. I just want them to understand that there is a reason behind all of this and I'm not just a prude

And I know I need to end it. But I'm so used to faking emotions like love in order to please others for my own well being. It's a hard habit to break out of and I am not proud of it.

 

[Deleted member 17790]

I hear you and send hugs - you are acceptable just as you are - you are entitled to put boundaries in place with people - however I have discovered it's best not to discuss my abuse history with anyone other than a professional who I have a long term trusting relationship with or a very special friend that gets it (very few of those!!)

Agree with suggestion re ending the relationship - doesn't sound healthy - and also agree that it's difficult- better to end it by text/email and have no contact - I am not responsible for anyone else's feelings especially those that manipulate by saying they are the frail one when in fact it's the other way round if anything!! I need to put myself first and if I can't handle a confrontation I don't